Eager Freshman Confuses Penn Traditions: Throws Toast on Ben Franklin and Pisses on Franklin Field

Campus authorities were called early Saturday evening, after a freshman launched a piece of toast at the Benjamin Franklin statue on Locust walk, before sprinting to Franklin Field and urinating at midfield during the third quarter of the Penn-Cornell game. 

The student, who has requested to stay anonymous, claimed he was "trying to channel the Penn spirit."

"I hear people talking about throwing toast, and all over SideChat were mentions of peeing on Franklin. I wanted to get both done on the same night; I thought I nailed it." 

According to eyewitnesses, the student approached the statue in late afternoon, shouted "RED AND BLUE," dabbed, and then frisbee’ed a lightly toasted slice of multigrain bread directly at Franklin’s head. Immediately, he started to run to Franklin Field. Midway through the third quarter, as the band was ramping up a spirited "Drink A Highball," he leapt the fence, dropped his jeans at the 50-yard line and relieved himself. 

The game was forced to stop, and a PennAlert was issued, reminding students that while school spirit and enthusiasm are encouraged, "peeing on historic turf is not permitted." Facilities services have already begun emergency turf detoxification. 

The student is reportedly not facing any sort of punishment, as it was all a genuine misunderstanding. He shared that he’s excited to take part in the next Penn tradition: screaming during his first Econ midterm.