Breaking: Hummus Grill Owner Self-Immolates in Front of Wonder in Final Act of Defiance
Truly a sad day in the Penn community today, as the owner of Hummus Grill was spotted outside Wonder this morning caught in a liminal space between falafel, and flame. In a diary discovered by Under the Button, the owner explained his actions, saying “I just can't compete anymore. The last candle on my Menorah has gone out,” which is an odd statement, given his transformation into a human shamash a few hours later.
This instance promises to be the first of many times a local restaurant owner will set themselves on fire in front of Wonder, as the giant corporation’s use of free online discounts to lure in students has given them the edge on local vendors, whose own strategy of luring in students has previously been limited to shouting “Hey Habibi!” at children on the street. The situation is getting more and more dire as the days pass. “How am I supposed to outdo a restaurant with Marcus Samuelson and Bobby Flay in the kitchen?” asks one Greek Lady health inspection denier chef.
Wonder is on track to be the first ever successful restaurant with inedible food. However, not all the local establishments are going down quietly. Under the Button has received word of a resistance forming on campus, with multiple restaurants banding together in order to take down the jolly green giant. In fact, Ochatto has recently challenged Wonder’s Asian restaurant to a sudden death cook-off, with both restaurants vying to see who can make the judges die of food poisoning first. But Ochatto is not the only one. Eateries across campus are joining the rebellion in solidarity. When asked about their courageous stand against student overcharging, DK Sushi heroically responded: “What?” This is the type of bravery we will need to see if we want local businesses like McDonalds and Chipotle to survive.
