Gutmann College House to be Converted into Human Zoo
In the 2026-27 academic year, Penn is moving ahead with plans to convert Gutmann College House—a four-year dormitory named after former university President Amy Gutmann—into a human zoo. Newly released plans note that the conversion will be cost and construction-free, given the building's already wholly transparent composition.
"The infrastructure is there," the project executive said when asked for comment. "As far as we're concerned, this is just a title change."
The change comes after years of unsolicited SABSing via the dorm's extensive glass layout. Current Gutmann residents will not be relocated as part of the conversion.
"It's my favorite part of campus," one student shares. "Always a treat to see them lined up behind the glass when I'm juggling my bagless ACME purchase of a 4-pack of protein shakes, 10-pack frosted sugar cookies, and 12-pack melatonin."
The student added that, despite opting for off-campus housing, he had nothing against the "people" living in Gutmann. Others were not as amicable.
"They think they're better than us because they get a little sunlight and the fire alarm doesn't go off every week. Get a real kitchen like the rest of us," scoffed a sophomore living in the high-rises.
Following the conversion, Quaker Kitchen will serve meals that taste like animal food while bearing a deceiving visual resemblance to human fare. As such, the menu will remain unchanged.
