Wharton Student Questions Summer Internship at Golden Man Sack: Elderly Sperm Bank

Wharton senior Nuthaniel Buster returned to campus ready to reunite with friends, LinkedIn connections, and people who they’ll probably work for in ten years. Having completed a rigorous summer internship at what he thought was prestigious investment bank Goldman Sachs, he is beginning to question the nature of his internship and slowly realize he was actually working at Golden Man Sack: Elderly Sperm Bank.

Buster first realized something may be wrong with his occupation when he saw the waiting room had exclusively elderly men. However, every customer approached him and claimed they needed to “make a deposit,” so Buster put his suspicions aside. 

Women of varying ages would come in looking for what Buster assumed was financial investment advice. These clients wanted to make lifelong investments, with significant growth in the first 18 years and then remain stable afterward. Buster thought this was a strange request, but discussed stock options for companies he was unfamiliar with, such as “Maxwell, Ernest; Smith, Hubert; Williams, Wilbur.” These women would often also talk about how they tried to invest with their husbands, but they couldn’t see growth. 

Buster came away with some unorthodox observations about the habits of his elderly male clients, specifically regarding their rituals and physical health. He would lead these gentlemen to a room where he thought the safe-deposit boxes were located. After giving them privacy, he would hear the same sensual saxophone music play before listening to the grunts and groans of the men struggling to open the boxes in their ancient, weakened states. He also noted that they would leave with the same container, hand it to him, and then give him a pat on the back, which would leave a wet stain on his blazer. Buster found it heartwarming watching seeing the aftermath of these old folks reliving the glory days.

Nuthaniel Buster did not receive a return offer from his internship, as he had a “general air of confusion” around him. He is already looking for jobs at other major investment and asset management companies. As of now, he is applying for CrackRock: Risky Life Management.