Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"

Things are moving forward: having conquered his first University, Rowan found he enjoys the taste of blood and now prepares for the next kill. He also found the big two pronged helmet that Galactus, the Eater of Worlds left lying around and thought it suited him nicely. When he showed up to the weekly caviar and endangered polar bear lunch with other shadowy gurus guiding the future of education, everybody agreed the hat looked nice and the name had a ring to it.

But not everything is ready yet. Rowan (Galactus) was dismayed that some of his language did not make it into the final cut of the Compact For Academic Excellence In Higher Education, or as he had previously titled it: Munching Up All the Schools and Putting Them in My Belly. Clearly some copy editors in the Trump administration lacked some editorial style and vision; they also took out some policy that made use of Rowan’s favorite tools like whips, cattle prods and paddles.

There was another road block: a White House intern used Galactus’ deadname and had to be vanquished. Likely the young woman was an antifa member, and perhaps the same one who has been belittling conservative ideas on the campuses in question. Rowan took aim with the Ultimate Nullifier and erased the intern from time and space, yet did not however erase her ideals— that remains an ongoing problem.

To work out some steam, while the Awesome Solution is being agreed to by all nine vassals, Rowan is building out a little shop next to Paris Baguette on Chestnut. For the teensy price of your worthless anti-zionist soul, you get a small sum of money and an Apollo Global Management crew neck. And for October’s limited time only Special Spooky Deal, if you agree at his shop to the newly legal act of shooting a Chinese international student in the head, you get a candy bar.

Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord. You should stop by this week because you may not get another chance to meet Rowan before he gets too big from eating all the schools. But if you don’t get a chance you can also find him in the following locations: under your bed, welcoming your soul to the underworld if you’ve done any gay stuff, at a fork in the road of a dark forest, or on your left shoulder. 

Editor's note: Under the Button apologizes for deadnaming Rowan in previous editions of this article.