Op-Ed: THIS IS A SUPER SECRET AND YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE!

Why am I wearing a ten-piece tuxedo right now? Oh wouldn’t you like to know... Oops sorry, I didn’t realize I had so much blood all over my face and neck, haha… It's human, by the way. Hey, are you really asking me what naughty thing I was up to tonight? Cuz I am NOT allowed to tell you, ugly. 

Okay I really really can’t hold it in anymore I think I’m going to throw up black slime all over you if I don’t tell you immediately right now that the reason I’ve been acting so… mysterious… is because:

I. AM. almost. NEAR THE END. OF PLEDGING A SUPER (super) SECRET (super secret) SOCIETY. 

You know you can't tell anyone right, stupid? It’s super secret. I only told you because you’re like my third best friend here. I haven’t told anyone but you by the way so that shows how much I trust you and care about you and want the best for you. You know if you tell anyone that I’m in a Super Secret Society they're going to punish me right? Do you know how serious this is? They might feed me seed oils. Or like, hang me upside down from my feet and take turns spanking my little behind and call me a bad, BAD, pledge as they laugh and laugh and feed each other charcuterie and then leave me to die all alone in The Sheraton. 

I hope you understand the gravity of this situation. Is this funny to you? I don't want to die in The Sheraton, please.