Salutations! I’m Banning Wasians From Penn

I have to do it. I’m sorry, Wasian Quakers. I’m on my knees crying under the weight of it all. But it’s been decreed to me by the higher authorities. I can’t help it, I need to listen to what they say. Who are they? The chairman would like to stay anonymous. 

I heard from one of them that we have a lot of work to do about the situation. It’s a bad, bad situation. Have you ever heard about redistribution of wealth? It’s almost like that, but there is no wealth to be redistributed. Just Wasians. 

I want you to know that I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. I just, you know, always feel like I need to follow orders. Don’t hate me. I’ll ask if they’ll make an exception for you, you beautiful Wasian. I don’t know if they will but I’ll do everything in my power to ask just for you. 

Why are we doing this? You must be wondering with that Wasian mind of yours. The higher authorities who I can’t name told me a really good reason to, but I can’t tell you that reason because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. Just know that there is another place for you somewhere. Maybe you’ll be taken to this place by the higher authorities and they’ll treat you well and you’ll get an Ivy League diploma in this remote location. But I can’t share any more details, because unfortunately I’m watching the Wasian collection police sneak up behind you in a cartoonish manner right now to drag you away and there’s nothing I can do about it.