I Ate the Hill Oysters. Now I Have AIDS

Last week I ate exactly seven (7) raw oysters from the Hill raw oyster bar. Today, I was diagnosed with AIDS.

I assume I got it from the oysters, but it also could have been from the curse a homeless woman put on me last year. It could also be from the unprotected sex I’ve been regularly having with a Sig Nu brother. Ultimately, the conclusion is the same: I have three months to live.

In contemplating the final months of my life and how I will spend them at Penn, I have compiled a bucket list of must-do activities before I die. See below:

1. Pee on Ben Franklin (just kidding, I already did that!)
2. Order Doordash to my dorm and not tip the driver
3. Smoke a cigarette like how the international students do
4. Get into a public altercation
5. Get with my NSO hookup and tell him I love him
6. Suicide bomb Zete
7. Do ketamine

Upon completing these items, I think I can consider Penn sufficiently experienced.