Weather Report: Witches Shall Melt and Flowers Prosper

The weather this week entails much rain, so much rain. This comes to the great dismay of Penn students who just got back from their spring break trips to the ever-sunny cities of London and Dublin. Nonetheless, a silver lining: This weather is instrumental in gearing us up for the spring, weeding out the bad, and bolstering the good. This raining week, witches shall melt and flowers prosper. 

The damnables’ insistence on wearing wool peacoats shall be punished as the increased humidity in the air causes the strap of their Longchamp bags to liquefy onto their clothes — a punishment for their vanglorious status signaling. The witches’ outer layer dissolving from the pelting water is only the beginning and most benign thing to happen. As the witches walk through the rain, the water will seep into the soles of their suede ballet flats — only after ruining the softness of the material forever. The water, on contact with the evil people’s skin, will cause athlete’s foot, and the process of their demise shall start then and there. Also, the rain will envelop all crevices of their jewelry that serve the only purpose of signaling wealth rather than taste, and thus the unmatchable power of fluvial erosion shall fasten the riddance of those evil, evil witches. And, one may think, the witches could simply avoid their ruin by using an umbrella. But the wind and the rain work hand in hand, and the wind shall howl, blowing the umbrella inside out — possibly even resulting in the umbrella flying out the witches’ grip and making them run after it — the ultimate form of humiliation. 

The flowers, gliding through with their Dr. Martens, shall playfully splash in the puddles, blissfully ignorant to anything wrong that could happen. In fact, nothing wrong could happen to them. The rain drops — like pearls of blessings from the heavens — shall fall gracefully on their Arc'teryx jackets. Yes, yes, I can see how they bead off. The flowers’ skin will reap from the added humidity in the air that only brings joy and dewyness and a rosy flush to their cheeks. 

Following this rainy week, it is expected that humaneness and butterflies will be back on campus.