Date Mistakes My Asian Flush for Me Actually Liking Him

For what it’s worth, I hadn’t intended to pregame our rendezvous at Haraz. I expected to sit down for a sober cup of vaguely ethnic-tasting coffee at 3 p.m. EST, but the combination of daylight savings and my being accustomed to Iran Standard Time (I’m an empath) led me to lose track and start slamming back Cutwaters at noon. By the time I noticed the “Coffee Chat (non-evaluative)” neatly slotted into my Google Calendar, it was too late. A rather awkward incident ensued: My date mistook my Asian flush for me actually liking him. 

It’s a fair misunderstanding. If I were the one monologuing about where my parents work and my date was blushing furiously, I might assume she was super into me, too. But I’ve compiled a list of other conclusions my date could’ve drawn before assuming the worst (for me).

I could’ve been: 

1. Sun-kissed,

2. Really, really mad,

3. Trying out a new look,

4. Having an allergic reaction to the APES foam, or

5. Suffering from consumption.

Unfortunately, my date bypassed all these and the correct culprit for my Clifford complexion. I know this because as I stumbled to the door and visualized improving my Instagram follower-following ratio by a count of one, he asked whether I was free the next week. I turned to face him in horror — but swiftly lost balance and collapsed onto the floor, from where I still managed to unfollow my date on Instagram and request to connect with him on LinkedIn. 

I haven’t seen that man since and have no intentions of doing so, mostly because I have no recollection of what he looks like.