Fuck Yes! Teresa Caputo Appointed Chair of Penn Religious Studies
(11/15/23 7:00pm)
"You only like me because you like the beginnings of things."
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"You only like me because you like the beginnings of things."
Events, events, I want to go to events. Take me to your events.
In their next maneuver, The sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta (“Theta”) plan to divert sales at the Delta Delta Delta 2023 Fall Foliage Fundraising Bake Sale by detonating 50 tons of nuclear explosives under the patio outside ARCH. “This was a make-or-break week for Thetans the world over, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing Delta Delta Delta’s agenda even harder,” said an anatomically gay (not queer), politically-savvy-in-a-corporate-functionary-way ‘27 Fiji rush, describing Theta’s plan to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of nuclear explosives under the ARCH Patio as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to panhellenic relations.
Disaster. Destruction. Half-off at Philly AIDS Thrift. A campus drenched in dereliction. The culprit? Self-actualized twenty-year-olds pursuing their dreams.
A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027. Indeed, Penn has demonstrated a commitment to providing access to academic excellence for underrepresented minorities, but the decision to accept a student from such a historically underserved region has only deepened the University’s commitment and marked it as an admissions pioneer among top institutions.
Do you struggle to connect with your peers? Do you struggle to hold space and say the right things on a solid, interpersonal dimension? Have you known a deep love and watched it die? Have you laughed and cried in the face of love? Do you just want to sport a cunty camouflage outfit? Consider taking a semester abroad and fighting on the frontlines of the idgaf war. Located in the trenches between idgafghansitan and ijbolivia, the US has ingrained its geopolitical tentacles into yet another niche conflict. Grenades are now avoidant attachment styles. Collecting intel on the enemy is “no worries if not.” You’re armed with a vast rotation of Lois Griffin reaction posts.
Wearing all black is not a symbol of mourning -- it’s about being a monk in the bohemian order. Not nihilistic, no, never that. Save me the lecture, just give me the banter! When you’re wearing black, you’re wearing everything.
The waters don't really go by me
He was throwing back a few drinks with his closest mates at the local Asian fusion restaurant: a jovial Thursday evening, only of note because of how unspectacular the joy was. Laughter permeated. As it happens in these settings, the question arose:
Isis Gaston, the artist more widely known as Ice Spice, will receive an honorary doctorate of Marketing Sciences from The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania during a commencement ceremony at Franklin Field where she will address graduates of 2023 as well as all the munches in the crowd.
Everything is different these days. The bricks on Locust Walk have a new texture. It’s a mild fifty degrees in the dead of winter. The Stranger Things boy is gay now. The university is facing an identity crisis.
The place might have been commissioned by Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani. Laminated floor to ceiling, every surface a design boardroom’s fervent debate, a commemoration of wealth so immediately productive of crowds and jammed traffic that going to class evokes the splendor of attending a 2016 makeup product launch at a Los Angeles mall, the one-hundred-forty-million-dollar Huntsman Hall manages to strike a nerve in anyone who steps foot inside. Can you belieeeeve Pret has four Philadelphia locations, and TWO of them are in Huntsman Hall: one on the ground floor, and one on the second floor, for the MBAs of course.
The first fire was the fire of falsehood, “when we do not fulfill what we promised.” Next came the fire of avarice, “when we place our love of worldly riches before the riches of Heaven,” then the fire of discord, “when we do not fear to offend the souls of our neighbors even in superficial matters,” and the fourth the fire of irreverence, “when we think it nothing to despoil and defraud those weaker than ourselves.” The four rolodexed through my mind as I made my daily trek to the dining hall. Interactions all doomed from the start. Damned by their own inertia, they collapse in on themselves and follow this tragic pattern.
Following in the footsteps of legendary female business pioneers (don’t ask me to name one), Danielle Bregoli is slated to step foot on Penn’s campus as the leader of Venture Lab, Penn’s newest emetophilic attempt at selling wayward college students on a dream.
Only at this very special place will you be considered exotic if you’ve gone to public school.
But I'm never gonna give up
The mouthwatering chicken over rice (with both sauces, you fucking freak) with extra cucumbers, and a drink for an extra dollar…
No, it’s not the Biolux™ Dentures – I’m smiling due to my joy!
Here’s the deal: You, me, and like seven other people all crammed around a table discussing Foucault in one of those stuffy College Hall rooms that reek of “historic” carpet. You can keep it, Philo.
In a rare feat of investigative journalism, UTB managed to unearth exclusive information about President Elizabeth Magill’s musings on worldly topics. One thing led to another, and she eventually divulged her identity as not only Penn’s first Gen X president, but also the first synesthete to hold the esteemed position.