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BREAKING: Armed With Nuclear Warheads, Rival Sororities Compete for Fall Bake Sale ARCH Patio Space

(10/02/23 5:21pm)

In their next maneuver, The sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta (“Theta”) plan to divert sales at the Delta Delta Delta 2023 Fall Foliage Fundraising Bake Sale by detonating 50 tons of nuclear explosives under  the patio outside ARCH. “This was a make-or-break week for Thetans the world over, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing Delta Delta Delta’s agenda even harder,” said an anatomically gay (not queer), politically-savvy-in-a-corporate-functionary-way ‘27 Fiji rush, describing Theta’s plan to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of nuclear explosives under the ARCH Patio as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to panhellenic relations.

BREAKING: Penn to Accept Its First Ever Lower Merionite

(09/14/23 4:25pm)

A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027. Indeed, Penn has demonstrated a commitment to providing access to academic excellence for underrepresented minorities, but the decision to accept a student from such a historically underserved region has only deepened the University’s commitment and marked it as an admissions pioneer among top institutions. 

Report: Record Number of Penn Students to Enlist in the IDGAF War

(10/01/23 7:24pm)

Do you struggle to connect with your peers? Do you struggle to hold space and say the right things on a solid, interpersonal dimension? Have you known a deep love and watched it die? Have you laughed and cried in the face of love? Do you just want to sport a cunty camouflage outfit? Consider taking a semester abroad and fighting on the frontlines of the idgaf war. Located in the trenches between idgafghansitan and ijbolivia, the US has ingrained its geopolitical tentacles into yet another niche conflict. Grenades are now avoidant attachment styles. Collecting intel on the enemy is “no worries if not.” You’re armed with a vast rotation of Lois Griffin reaction posts. 

How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror

(12/05/22 3:18pm)

The place might have been commissioned by Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani. Laminated floor to ceiling, every surface a design boardroom’s fervent debate, a commemoration of wealth so immediately productive of crowds and jammed traffic that going to class evokes the splendor of attending a 2016 makeup product launch at a Los Angeles mall, the one-hundred-forty-million-dollar Huntsman Hall manages to strike a nerve in anyone who steps foot inside.  Can you belieeeeve Pret has four Philadelphia locations, and TWO of them are in Huntsman Hall: one on the ground floor, and one on the second floor, for the MBAs of course. 

OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters

(11/21/22 6:07pm)

The first fire was the fire of falsehood, “when we do not fulfill what we promised.” Next came the fire of avarice, “when we place our love of worldly riches before the riches of Heaven,” then the fire of discord, “when we do not fear to offend the souls of our neighbors even in superficial matters,” and the fourth the fire of irreverence, “when we think it nothing to despoil and defraud those weaker than ourselves.” The four rolodexed through my mind as I made my daily trek to the dining hall. Interactions all doomed from the start. Damned by their own inertia, they collapse in on themselves and follow this tragic pattern.