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OP-ED: I Want to Receive Shiny Smiley Face Stickers on My Transcript Instead of Grades

(04/06/20 5:45pm)

I have read through a dozen Change.org petitions. I have debated whether or not to take all of my classes pass-fail so that I can focus on the arduous labor of fusing my body to my bedsheets. I have convinced myself the world will end this year, so I don’t have to worry about grad schools analyzing the grades I received during a global pandemic. 

OP-ED: When I Die, Grind My Flesh Into Magic Carpet’s Meatless Meatballs

(03/02/20 5:37am)

They’re vaguely circular (on a good day). They live in warm styrofoam cups, steamy aluminum containers. They’re steeped in cheese and tomato sauce, and they rest upon vegetables that have become unrecognizable. Yes, I’m talking about Magic Carpet’s meatless meatballs — the bella donna, if you will. This is where I ultimately want to be laid to rest.

BREAKING: To Enter the Kelly Writers House You Must Have Clit Piercing

(12/02/19 2:03pm)

Entering the Kelly Writers House induces a minefield of anxiety unless you have two visible piercings, are wearing a black turtleneck, have self-published your childhood poetry, or a combination of the three. However, as more students begin taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to self publish and start wearing turtleneck sweaters to combat the cold, it has been difficult for the writer’s house to distinguish who belongs and who doesn’t in the winter months. 

OP-ED: I’m Sick of Getting Cock Blocked by Fall Every Damn Day

(09/28/19 4:49pm)

I use the term “cock block” liberally because I feel it is the only way I can describe the simultaneous hope and frustration I feel when each morning is cool, but the late afternoon makes me prefer to light myself on fire than to endure the 85° sauna that is Philadelphia. I want to wear sweaters, school-girl knee socks, and button-downs — how else am I supposed to gain meaning from my English degree? But every day I have to go back to wearing shorts and a t-shirt like a loser who is being fucked in the ass by climate change.

OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore

(09/10/19 12:23pm)

It’s that time of year again: back to school time! I like to delay the purchase of my school supplies until the third week of classes, both because I enjoy the surge of adrenaline I get when I desperately search through my backpack for paper to take notes on, inevitably coming up empty handed then writing on a tissue for an hour and a half, and also because there is nothing in my life that provides meaning other than the purchase of stationery. 

OP-ED:Now That Fling Is Over, There Is Nothing Left to Distract Me from the Pain of My Existence and the Fact That I’m an Irrelevant Cluster of Cells Hurtling Towards Oblivion. Also, I Have a Midterm on Tuesday.

(04/21/19 12:52pm)

I knew this before, but after drinking until my internal organs were screaming loudly, seeing frat boys wear shorts with hems disturbingly close to their genitalia, and watching my friends pee on the side of Walnut street, I knew that without Fling to look forward to and enjoy, my life would be quite meaningless.