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Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students

(01/26/23 8:33pm)

Last week, the United States House Oversight and Accountability Committee sent a letter to University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill requesting information on any and all students living in campus dorms of Chinese descent or with “foreign-sounding last names in general.” The letter, signed by committee Chairman Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), alleges that the University received “millions of dollars from anonymous Chinese sources” after the foundation of the Penn Biden Center and continues to provide “material support” to the Communist Party of China by “allowing Asians” on campus. The letter, merely the latest development in a string of ongoing crises regarding disputed ties between the People’s Republic of China and the Biden Center, comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.

SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages

(01/27/23 10:48pm)

Amid the highly virulent flu season, Penn administration has established a new approach to combat illness on campus. What started as a heated debate between the benefits of acupuncture, reiki healing and Ayurvedic herbs has reached its final conclusion. The SHS main location at 3535 Market Street will be populated with a different kind of specialist. The ultimate kind. 

Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac

(01/27/23 12:03am)

PHILADELPHIA, PA — ¡Ay, caramba! As students ease into their semesters after flocking back to campus from their winter break endeavors like shaking buttfuck ass in the Swiss mountains, a new sustainability initiative awaits them. Amid questions and concerns raised about the city’s standards of health policy due to temporary shutdowns of ACME and United By Blue in the University City section of Philadelphia, a new investigation cracks down on its latest criminal: the University of Pennsylvania’s underground storefront, La Plancha. Conducted during the students’ absence during winter break, numerous tests have yielded results that La Plancha’s “crowd favorite” guacamole tested a shocking 96% compatibility rate with alkali-saponificated sodium stearate. To the common man, that is soap.

Upgrade: Sophomore Moves From Harrison Double to Van Down By River

(01/26/23 8:10pm)

Double life can be rough. Long nights, early mornings, bedtime sexual tensions — it gets pretty overwhelming. College sophomore Chase Norelk couldn’t take it much longer. The other night, his roommate fell asleep on the floor after chugging so many whippets that his heart temporarily stopped. The night before that, his roommate was up until 3 AM with the light on doing his finance homework. That circle block just wouldn’t fit into the square hole. He started thinking it was time for a new place.

I’m Ready and Willing to Admit I Have Flaws — I Just Can’t Think of Any!

(01/26/23 8:07pm)

The other day I was talking to my therapist about self-confidence. We’ve been working on this for a long time, and together we’ve done a great job. She’s entered my psyche, unraveled my problems, and knit them into a beautiful scarf of self-love and personal pride. That’s not to say that I haven’t also been working very hard on developing myself. 

Local Chinese Couple Discover They Are From Neighboring Provinces of Rhode Island and Connecticut

(01/22/23 4:04pm)

Mild fascination abounded in a campus dorm room this evening as local Chinese couple Liu Jiayi (C ‘25) and Tommy Wang (W ‘25) discovered that their familial lines descended from the neighboring provinces of Luōdé Dǎo (Rhode Island) and Kāngnièdígé (Connecticut). “Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied to her relative amazement. “That’s so cool!” she responded.

OP-ED: If I'm Not Going To Watch Fox News Shirtless In My Floor Lounge, Who Will?

(01/19/23 7:27pm)

I sat, shirtless, enthralled by the TV, with a paste consisting of ice cream residue, Cheez-it crumbs, and donut glaze forming in that little dip at the bottom of my sternum. Maybe it’s called my chest cavity? Not sure, but if I were to stick my finger in the paste it would have probably covered about one-half of my fingernail. Hope that conveys what I mean. 

Phew! Syllabus Made in ChatGPT Includes Clause Restricting Use of ChatGPT

(01/22/23 4:07pm)

“Ah, these sure are different times,” I sigh to myself, “I can’t compliment women anymore, but at least I have ChatGPT. This handy little gizmo just printed my syllabus faster than any little TA or flirty secretary could have.” Queue five page syllabus ejected from Canon Pixma MG3620. “Encanto! My students will never know their homely, old professor still has it in him. I, too, can take a selfie.” 

OP-ED: How Can I Pursue A Career In Academia In A Cool, Ironic, Cool Kind of Way?

(01/19/23 9:12pm)

When I got into Penn I was like, “sick.” Now I can major in Economics and work in tech or consulting and make more money than my parents and be a chad. But when I got here, after taking CIS110 and ECON001 and looking around me, I knew something was wrong: there were way too many dorks. Nobody was “doing satire” or “being ironic” or “wearing cool clothes.” This one guy did kind of have a Mark Zuckerberg in the Social Network thing going on, with the sandals and baggy shorts in the winter on his way to absolutely destroy the midterm curve, but even then he didn’t totally click with me.

Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite

(01/22/23 4:10pm)

A local writing seminar was left in shock last Tuesday after hearing an intranational student introduce himself during an icebreaker. Arthur Hayward (C ‘26), who originally hails from the distant city of Newark, New Jersey, stunned his classmates as he expounded upon his name, major, and one (1) fun fact in impeccable Standard American English. 

Faking Interest, La Deuxième

(01/20/23 9:08pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!

BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break

(12/06/22 5:21pm)

Hey everyone, and welcome to the final stretch! You've made it this far, and there's not much more to go. I know you can do it, and deep down, you know it too. Here at Under the Button, we are all in your corner. And we agree! It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time.