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I’m Ready and Willing to Admit I Have Flaws — I Just Can’t Think of Any!

(01/26/23 8:07pm)

The other day I was talking to my therapist about self-confidence. We’ve been working on this for a long time, and together we’ve done a great job. She’s entered my psyche, unraveled my problems, and knit them into a beautiful scarf of self-love and personal pride. That’s not to say that I haven’t also been working very hard on developing myself. 







Local Chinese Couple Discover They Are From Neighboring Provinces of Rhode Island and Connecticut

(01/22/23 4:04pm)

Mild fascination abounded in a campus dorm room this evening as local Chinese couple Liu Jiayi (C ‘25) and Tommy Wang (W ‘25) discovered that their familial lines descended from the neighboring provinces of Luōdé Dǎo (Rhode Island) and Kāngnièdígé (Connecticut). “Wait, what dialect do you speak at home?” asked Liu. “Western New England English,” Wang replied to her relative amazement. “That’s so cool!” she responded.


OP-ED: If I'm Not Going To Watch Fox News Shirtless In My Floor Lounge, Who Will?

(01/19/23 7:27pm)

I sat, shirtless, enthralled by the TV, with a paste consisting of ice cream residue, Cheez-it crumbs, and donut glaze forming in that little dip at the bottom of my sternum. Maybe it’s called my chest cavity? Not sure, but if I were to stick my finger in the paste it would have probably covered about one-half of my fingernail. Hope that conveys what I mean. 


Phew! Syllabus Made in ChatGPT Includes Clause Restricting Use of ChatGPT

(01/22/23 4:07pm)

“Ah, these sure are different times,” I sigh to myself, “I can’t compliment women anymore, but at least I have ChatGPT. This handy little gizmo just printed my syllabus faster than any little TA or flirty secretary could have.” Queue five page syllabus ejected from Canon Pixma MG3620. “Encanto! My students will never know their homely, old professor still has it in him. I, too, can take a selfie.” 


OP-ED: How Can I Pursue A Career In Academia In A Cool, Ironic, Cool Kind of Way?

(01/19/23 9:12pm)

When I got into Penn I was like, “sick.” Now I can major in Economics and work in tech or consulting and make more money than my parents and be a chad. But when I got here, after taking CIS110 and ECON001 and looking around me, I knew something was wrong: there were way too many dorks. Nobody was “doing satire” or “being ironic” or “wearing cool clothes.” This one guy did kind of have a Mark Zuckerberg in the Social Network thing going on, with the sandals and baggy shorts in the winter on his way to absolutely destroy the midterm curve, but even then he didn’t totally click with me.


Penn Student's English Quite Good for a New Jerseyite

(01/22/23 4:10pm)

A local writing seminar was left in shock last Tuesday after hearing an intranational student introduce himself during an icebreaker. Arthur Hayward (C ‘26), who originally hails from the distant city of Newark, New Jersey, stunned his classmates as he expounded upon his name, major, and one (1) fun fact in impeccable Standard American English. 


Faking Interest, La Deuxième

(01/20/23 9:08pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!





BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break

(12/06/22 5:21pm)

Hey everyone, and welcome to the final stretch! You've made it this far, and there's not much more to go. I know you can do it, and deep down, you know it too. Here at Under the Button, we are all in your corner. And we agree! It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time. 


Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass

(12/06/22 5:18pm)

The Penn Germanic Studies community has been left reeling after the recent theft of an historic manuscript from Van Pelt Library. On Monday, the Kislak Center for Special Collections, Rare Books and Manuscripts announced that foul play was suspected in the disappearance of Altdeutsche Märchen, Sagen und Legenden, a 19th-century compilation of German fairy tales and mythology first published in Leipzig, Prussia. 



"I Don’t Wanna Yuck Someone’s Yum": Devil's Advocate Guy Picks Up New Signature Saying

(01/17/23 2:55pm)

Sources report that HIST 1240, Scars: Impacts of the Cold War, just got way more intolerable. The conversations in this ten person seminar are dominated by pushy, reactionist college sophomore Aaron Smith. Things are taking a turn. Smith, known for butting into conversations with "just to play devils advocate" followed by something wildly insensitive, just came up with a new slogan. "I don't wanna yuck someone's yum."


How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror

(12/05/22 3:18pm)

The place might have been commissioned by Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani. Laminated floor to ceiling, every surface a design boardroom’s fervent debate, a commemoration of wealth so immediately productive of crowds and jammed traffic that going to class evokes the splendor of attending a 2016 makeup product launch at a Los Angeles mall, the one-hundred-forty-million-dollar Huntsman Hall manages to strike a nerve in anyone who steps foot inside.  Can you belieeeeve Pret has four Philadelphia locations, and TWO of them are in Huntsman Hall: one on the ground floor, and one on the second floor, for the MBAs of course. 





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