I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade
(11/03/22 6:31pm)
Only at this very special place will you be considered exotic if you’ve gone to public school.
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Only at this very special place will you be considered exotic if you’ve gone to public school.
The freshman experience at Penn is not about the Quad. It's not about homecoming, parties, or even making friends. It’s about watching countless hours of Robert Ghrist explaining Math 104. It’s about that naughty, mischievous smirk he gives when introducing a trick to make a problem easier. It’s about wondering how on Earth the graphics are so good in each video. Where is he getting this funding? Does he make these on iMovie? Is he eligible for an Emmy?
We have all been there. You see an athlete approaching, and you try and use every context clue to figure out what sport she plays. Tall or short? Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play, as she gets closer you squint at her shirt. It comes into focus. Penn Athletics… basketball!
I’m there. Wow. We made it in. Having such a great time at Berghain. There is dancing, there are drinks, people seem to be enjoying themselves. These characteristics make me feel safe and comfortable to enjoy myself, and I am feeling inspired to rizz. My friends go to the bar for round two, and I am momentarily stranded. That’s okay, I can pivot. I ask two girls where they are from, they say Montreal. Never heard of it, but it sounds interesting. Foreign, to say the least.
I recently traveled to the Big Apple (New York City) to meet my father for the first time. The whole experience was rather stressful. Between 4:30pm and 5:19pm, I had to sprint from my CIS 1100 Recitation in Towne 315 to my one-bedroom double in Harrision College House, pack all of my belongings, travel to 30th Street Station, and board the Amtrak Acela. I’m no math major (and if you’re reading this… you probably aren’t either), but that seems to me to be a very limited time.
Bread pudding …. Cute smile emoji.
Dear Reader,
College Sophomore Maddison Schmitt was studying 1600 in the Weigle Information Commons in VP when she heard something familiar.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Ah, the ancient act of performance art.
Just last week, the mice and rat community of all three high-rises held a community-wide forum to discuss the little pests scurrying about their buildings: students.
Danny McBride (C ‘22 → C ‘23) is an impassioned fifth year student of three very important things: Philosophy, Politics, and Economics. Danny loves the advantages that come with being a fifth year senior. He is super tight with his landlord, for instance, as they are going on their third year of quasi-friendship. As Danny advances towards adulthood, he just relates to Desmond the landlord more and more. “It’s like, these four-year college kids are just so crazy, man. No one else gets that,” Danny relayed to me in a phone conversation as he sprinted to catch the last couple minutes of his lecture. The pair make bulk alcohol purchases, experiment with different sweatpants/socks/sandals combos, and watch war documentaries together.
As we, the Penn community, overcome darty season and progress to an era marked by frackets, formals, and champagne and shackles events, I’d like to call our attention to an issue masked by these events: the disproportionately high prosecution and incarceration rates among Penn students. Champagne and shackles events celebrate handcuffs, a mechanism of oppression. Alcohol, a mechanism of roofying. People who attend champagne and shackles events flaunt their kinkless privilege on the marginalized furry community of Penn, as well as our brothers and sisters in bondage. This blinding privilege diverts our attention from individuals like me, still suffering under unjust laws.
Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — University of Pennsylvania President Liz Magill went on NBC10 this morning to discuss recent issues plaguging the Class of 1920 Commons, breaking her tenure-long silence on the subject. For weeks, undergraduates and staff have been demanding clarity around the enigma that is the daily specials at Expo.
Wowwwwww. Wow.
Editor’s note: At Under the Button, we pride ourselves on providing our readers with balanced coverage of hot-button issues. This week, we’re proud to share the op-eds of Omar Brown (C ‘24), a sociology major from Michigan who lived in public housing until his freshman year of high school, and Jack Rutherford III (W ‘26) of New York, who experienced displacement when his family moved from their penthouse in Brooklyn to a bigger penthouse in Manhattan.
Ah, homecoming. What a time to be alive. The weekend has come and gone, yet the school spirit still buzzes in the air, and the student body continues to shakily recover from Saturday’s debauchery. While most saw the return of hundreds of Penn alumni as a great chance to catch up with old friends or relive the glory days, other, more ambitious, cutthroat students saw it as a golden opportunity to network.
One afternoon, on probably a Wednesday or something, I was minding my own business in Houston Hall, accompanied only by my friend who is shorter and less breathtaking than me. I was then approached by a man (Caucasian, forgettable, potentially brown hair. He could have been blond. I don't care).
Stop fossil fuel. Stop gentrification. And now, stop douching.