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Pledging is Over: Girl in Your Seminar Who Wears Animal Onesie Just Weird

(10/26/23 7:08pm)

Penn marketing students were boggled this week when their fellow classmate showed up to class after Thanksgiving break still wearing an animal onesie. Students in the course, Marketing in the World of Markets, said they were not surprised when the college sophomore arrived in class one day during mid October wearing a fleece giraffe footie pajamas complete with a horned hood. 

School Pride: Everyone Sighs Loudly When High Rise Elevator Stops on 4th Floor

(11/09/23 5:48pm)

Another day, another 10:15 class. I feel complicated and depressed. I live on the 24th floor of Rodin College House and I’m waiting for the elevator to come. There’s some kid next to me eating what looks like a Pret baguette sandwich. Crumbs are flying everywhere. After around 45 seconds of turning my head back and forth to monitor the tiny red numbers of the elevator floors, I see 22…23…24….beeep. Let’s get on.

Crippling Social Anxiety? Here Are UTB's Top 5 Tips on How to Walk Down Locust

(10/26/23 5:22pm)

We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 —  the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for? Was that your slink you just pretended you didn't know?

Career Services Guide: Companies Hiring and Accepting Sexual Favors for Summer 2024

(10/09/23 6:31pm)

It’s that time of year! Companies are starting to welcome new hires for the coming summer, and young adults across the nation are foaming at the mouth at the chance to sell their fleeting youth to Big Internship. Internship hunting can be overwhelming, and it is often difficult to find the opportunities meant for you. Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. Here are eight companies that are hiring interns, and accepting sexual favors, for summer 2024! 

Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts

(10/10/23 5:07pm)

It’s safe to say that sororities and fraternities aren’t beacons of acceptance. It goes beyond not taking everyone who applies and extends to discrimination. I cried a river when I found out. But it’s a problem that the social justice warriors of the University of Pennsylvania Intercultural Greek Council take seriously. Thank god. 

Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

(10/04/23 11:27pm)

The other day, I walked behind our beloved president Liz Magill. Her blonde hair shone as always, and she was quite poised. I had but one thought: “Wow! Her perfume’s so nice I can smell it standing 8 feet away from her." Maybe with enough money and alumni donations, I too will command the wind to carry my signature scent (Prada Paradoxe) all over locust. 

Weaponized Incompetence: Professor Doesn’t Put Syllabus in Syllabus Section of Canvas

(10/05/23 4:14pm)

As midterm season rolls around, hundreds of students are combing through Canvas in an attempt to track down their syllabus and the all too important grading breakdown. For most, it’s a simple scroll through the menu items, Class Readings (boooring), People (is that cute guy from Psych 1001 taking the course?), Course Materials @ Penn libraries (no idea what that is), aaaaand finally the Syllabus page.

OP-ED: It’s Not Your Professor’s Fault That Your Academic Drive is Decaying like The Carrion of a Murdered Prey

(10/05/23 3:14pm)

Are we the root of the problem? Do we, as students, not appreciate the effort it takes for these professors to read the material they assign to us and read to us what we already know? The answer is yes, but with a twist. You’re the problem. Not me! I’m fine, and so are my sweet and beau co-writers at this publication. You’re the issue though, and you should really stop blaming others for it, it's not so chic…