Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
Sheesh – you’re really in a pickle now! This homeless man just came up to you and said he’ll also take Venmo. What are you gonna do now? Usually, you’d say “Sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.” Can’t pull that shit now!
This just in: College junior majoring in criminology --- colloquially known as Sniffling Lil Bitch boy --- thinks that tissues make him unmanly, and therefore refuses to use them.
During my American Political Thought class, a politically thoughtful American thought came to mind when the two football players adjacent to me had the following conversation:
Penn marketing students were boggled this week when their fellow classmate showed up to class after Thanksgiving break still wearing an animal onesie. Students in the course, Marketing in the World of Markets, said they were not surprised when the college sophomore arrived in class one day during mid October wearing a fleece giraffe footie pajamas complete with a horned hood.
Owing to the fact that there are many entrepreneurial minds bouncing off the walls on this, our dear campus, we lucky children of God are frequently blessed with a barrage of nights out to select from.
Events, events, I want to go to events. Take me to your events.
Another day, another 10:15 class. I feel complicated and depressed. I live on the 24th floor of Rodin College House and I’m waiting for the elevator to come. There’s some kid next to me eating what looks like a Pret baguette sandwich. Crumbs are flying everywhere. After around 45 seconds of turning my head back and forth to monitor the tiny red numbers of the elevator floors, I see 22…23…24….beeep. Let’s get on.
Although this event of biblical importance happened over two months ago now, its impact on human life will forever and always be marked as a measurement of excellence and achievement. Henceforth, the Gregorian calendar will be changed to reflect such a thing:
We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 — the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for? Was that your slink you just pretended you didn't know?
In Mid-October, it can get rather chilly. Not cold, per say, but a frigid in between temperature, one that causes goose pimples to sprout and light sweaters to appear. The leaves are beginning to turn, and I begin to yearn for a time before the one we are currently experiencing as of now.
I tend to assume the worst in women and I tend to be right. She’s “depressed?” Yeah, that’s code word for disinterested. She has other friends. Yeah, more like men. She’s 'gay'? Yeah, more happy without you.
UPenAlert: Apple Pencil DROPPED in Van Pelt Library. Use caution, police on scene, avoid area. See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.
It’s that time of year! Companies are starting to welcome new hires for the coming summer, and young adults across the nation are foaming at the mouth at the chance to sell their fleeting youth to Big Internship. Internship hunting can be overwhelming, and it is often difficult to find the opportunities meant for you. Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. Here are eight companies that are hiring interns, and accepting sexual favors, for summer 2024!
It’s safe to say that sororities and fraternities aren’t beacons of acceptance. It goes beyond not taking everyone who applies and extends to discrimination. I cried a river when I found out. But it’s a problem that the social justice warriors of the University of Pennsylvania Intercultural Greek Council take seriously. Thank god.
It is the night before my first midterm. The sun has set, the dining halls have closed, and chatter fills the air as many across campus gear up for a night of frivolity. It is finally time for me to rise from my 12 hour-long nap and cram the [first and] last few hours of studying.
Girls will freak out and say, “Oh no! I forgot to take my Wellbutrin.” Similarly, “Fuckkkkk, my Prozac.” Others may say, “Did somebody sell my Ozempic?” But what you never hear these medicated girls say is, “It’s time to eat a little Something Something!”
There’s a deal that I made to get into this club. I will not be saying anything that I cannot say, but the truth just has to come out someday. Today is that day.
To my devoted LinkedIn connections, fans, and elementary school teachers,
The other day, I walked behind our beloved president Liz Magill. Her blonde hair shone as always, and she was quite poised. I had but one thought: “Wow! Her perfume’s so nice I can smell it standing 8 feet away from her." Maybe with enough money and alumni donations, I too will command the wind to carry my signature scent (Prada Paradoxe) all over locust.
As midterm season rolls around, hundreds of students are combing through Canvas in an attempt to track down their syllabus and the all too important grading breakdown. For most, it’s a simple scroll through the menu items, Class Readings (boooring), People (is that cute guy from Psych 1001 taking the course?), Course Materials @ Penn libraries (no idea what that is), aaaaand finally the Syllabus page.