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Has This Generation Gone Too Soft? Not Me, Thanks to Himsᵀᴹ

(02/27/24 5:00pm)

If you’ve ever worked with kids in your life, you’ll know that they’re quick to dub every social interaction they don’t like “bullying” — anything from a glancing side-eye to hushed whispers in the back of a classroom to a well-timed swirly against an unsuspecting nerd. But this wasn’t always the case. In fact, what we now jump to call “bullying” and “ostracisation” used to be considered valid and even necessary forms of social correction. Indeed, schoolyard bullies perform a socially valuable form of public service as we aim to raise a diverse, well-socialized population that takes out its repressed childhood traumas against its peers in the boardroom.

Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?

(02/27/24 5:00pm)

Charlotte, a stingray in an aquarium in North Carolina, has fast become a celebrity. One might say she is the Virgin Mary of aquariums. She is the only stingray in the aquarium, accompanied by two sharks. One of these sharks is actually named Gabriel… seemingly pointing to the anticipated arrival of the marine environment's lord and savior. 

Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine

(02/26/24 5:00pm)

LOCUST WALK, PENN CAMPUS – Fed up with Israel’s genocide and feeling helpless within the establishment resistance movement, the brothers of Phi Gamma Delta this week decided to direct their frustration towards a noble cause of their own. This Friday around noon, they plan to post up out front their crib and race. Race for a solution. Race for peace. Race for, of course, a ceasefire. 

Israel Agrees to Ceasefire So Long as Palestine Renames Itself to Palestein

(02/25/24 6:16pm)

As many of you have heard from your primary news source (Sidechat), there is currently war abroad in the Middle East. While you have heard compelling arguments supporting Israel and Palestine from experts at the top of their fields (socialist girls and frat guys who have taken one poly sci class), breaking news shows that there is new information regarding the conflict. Although these experts love to use buzz words and information they learned from reliable news organizations (TikTok), the information has been proven incorrect. 

CS Student Swears He Didn’t Buy Apple Vision Pro To Watch VR Porn

(02/26/24 5:00pm)

A Computer Science Student was reported to be the first Penn student to purchase the Apple Vision Pro after staying up all night before launch day, wet with anticipation. After posting “Purchased this bad boi ✌️” on his Instagram story, the student was overwhelmed with a flurry of messages from friends asking him why he bought it. The inbound soon turned from curious to accusatory as the student faced a barrage of texts wondering if he had bought the Apple Vision Pro primarily for sexual intentions.

Mr Beast’s $1 Million Challenge “How Many Items Can You Steal From Pret In 30 Seconds”

(03/01/24 5:00pm)

Students were flabbergasted today at the sight of a huge golden cube filled with cash and diamonds on Locust Walk. Loud screams, shattered glass, and ripped napkins were witnessed from outside of Pret. Bright lights, expensive film cameras, and trailers lined the entrance of Huntsman Hall. This sounds like the set of a dystopian horror movie, but students were surprised to hear that it was all for a controversial new video soon to be released by viral Youtuber Mr Beast.

OFSL to Offer Philanthropy Credit for Penn Global Seminars in “Third-World Countries”

(02/25/24 8:07pm)

OFSL has done it again! Staying true to their legacy of empowering students to catalyze change at home and beyond, OFSL has found yet another way to promote community service on campus. Starting Fall 2024, all sisters and brothers who visit a “third-world country” will earn philanthropy credit for their respective Greek organization. 

Antisemitism Does Not End Your Career, Bad Music Does: A Vultures Case Study

(02/22/24 5:00pm)

Described as their ‘most coherent’ album by Rolling Stone, Vultures I is Ye’s and Ty Dolla $ign’s newest collaboration. Indeed, it is the most coherent, in the sense that you hear a toddler playing with a broken synthesizer in every single song. Critics have talked about the polarizing lyrics and persona that Ye demonstrates. But they’re missing the point: they're mad only because he’s a nazi, we're mad because that shit was ass.

Jon Huntsman to Reinstate Donation After “Feeling Represented” by Penn President For First Time Since 1993 All-Female Run

(02/19/24 1:43am)

Following the initiation of blue-eyed dirty blond J. Larry Jameson as interim president, Jon Huntsman Jr. has declared a reinstatement of his donation following his October 2023 pull out. While he publicly stated this was due to Penn’s “silence in the face of reprehensible and historic Hamas evil against the people of Israel,” leaked documents have revealed that he had grown resentful of the Penn presidency's lack of diversity. Finally, Huntsman can see himself in(side) the Penn President again. 

OP-ED: I Was Lulled to Sleep by My Upstair Neighbor’s Stroke Game Last Night. Do better, lil Bro.

(02/17/24 11:57pm)

After a long day of SABSing, trying to read 5 pages, and going to office hours to feel like I did something, I finally tucked myself into bed. My diffuser was on. My blinds were let down one-quarter to block the morning sun. I did my skincare routine for the first time this semester. I even took a #phat dose of Benadryl. Everything was in place for me to fall asleep deeply and immediately.