Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
Although this event of biblical importance happened over two months ago now, its impact on human life will forever and always be marked as a measurement of excellence and achievement. Henceforth, the Gregorian calendar will be changed to reflect such a thing:
We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 — the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for? Was that your slink you just pretended you didn't know?
In Mid-October, it can get rather chilly. Not cold, per say, but a frigid in between temperature, one that causes goose pimples to sprout and light sweaters to appear. The leaves are beginning to turn, and I begin to yearn for a time before the one we are currently experiencing as of now.
I tend to assume the worst in women and I tend to be right. She’s “depressed?” Yeah, that’s code word for disinterested. She has other friends. Yeah, more like men. She’s 'gay'? Yeah, more happy without you.
UPenAlert: Apple Pencil DROPPED in Van Pelt Library. Use caution, police on scene, avoid area. See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.
It’s that time of year! Companies are starting to welcome new hires for the coming summer, and young adults across the nation are foaming at the mouth at the chance to sell their fleeting youth to Big Internship. Internship hunting can be overwhelming, and it is often difficult to find the opportunities meant for you. Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. Here are eight companies that are hiring interns, and accepting sexual favors, for summer 2024!
It’s safe to say that sororities and fraternities aren’t beacons of acceptance. It goes beyond not taking everyone who applies and extends to discrimination. I cried a river when I found out. But it’s a problem that the social justice warriors of the University of Pennsylvania Intercultural Greek Council take seriously. Thank god.
It is the night before my first midterm. The sun has set, the dining halls have closed, and chatter fills the air as many across campus gear up for a night of frivolity. It is finally time for me to rise from my 12 hour-long nap and cram the [first and] last few hours of studying.
Girls will freak out and say, “Oh no! I forgot to take my Wellbutrin.” Similarly, “Fuckkkkk, my Prozac.” Others may say, “Did somebody sell my Ozempic?” But what you never hear these medicated girls say is, “It’s time to eat a little Something Something!”
There’s a deal that I made to get into this club. I will not be saying anything that I cannot say, but the truth just has to come out someday. Today is that day.
To my devoted LinkedIn connections, fans, and elementary school teachers,
The other day, I walked behind our beloved president Liz Magill. Her blonde hair shone as always, and she was quite poised. I had but one thought: “Wow! Her perfume’s so nice I can smell it standing 8 feet away from her." Maybe with enough money and alumni donations, I too will command the wind to carry my signature scent (Prada Paradoxe) all over locust.
As midterm season rolls around, hundreds of students are combing through Canvas in an attempt to track down their syllabus and the all too important grading breakdown. For most, it’s a simple scroll through the menu items, Class Readings (boooring), People (is that cute guy from Psych 1001 taking the course?), Course Materials @ Penn libraries (no idea what that is), aaaaand finally the Syllabus page.
Are we the root of the problem? Do we, as students, not appreciate the effort it takes for these professors to read the material they assign to us and read to us what we already know? The answer is yes, but with a twist. You’re the problem. Not me! I’m fine, and so are my sweet and beau co-writers at this publication. You’re the issue though, and you should really stop blaming others for it, it's not so chic…
In their next maneuver, The sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta (“Theta”) plan to divert sales at the Delta Delta Delta 2023 Fall Foliage Fundraising Bake Sale by detonating 50 tons of nuclear explosives under the patio outside ARCH. “This was a make-or-break week for Thetans the world over, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing Delta Delta Delta’s agenda even harder,” said an anatomically gay (not queer), politically-savvy-in-a-corporate-functionary-way ‘27 Fiji rush, describing Theta’s plan to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of nuclear explosives under the ARCH Patio as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to panhellenic relations.
DET. KREUGER: Tell me what happened. You’ve gotta.
The truth behind rushing is that it’s not a personal experience meant to introduce the current members to your sorry soul. It’s actually a lot like consulting recruiting! Everyone wants to see you regurgitate some menial information regarding them to ensure your commitment to the upcoming dues that will surprise-bleed your pockets. However, dear loser (note to editor: change this to reader), we have provided a jargon et. al list that is sure to ease your rushing experience. After all, there’s nothing better than easy admissions – ask the test-optional kids!
Disaster. Destruction. Half-off at Philly AIDS Thrift. A campus drenched in dereliction. The culprit? Self-actualized twenty-year-olds pursuing their dreams.
For one reason or another, you find yourself at the bottom of Penn’s social hierarchy. That’s ok. Maybe you’re ugly or from a weird state. Nothing you can really change.
It’s just the type of thing that gives me pause. I thought they were supposed to encourage us, inspire us, and embolden us. But like… that wasn’t the case.