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Crippling Social Anxiety? Here Are UTB's Top 5 Tips on How to Walk Down Locust

(10/26/23 5:22pm)

We’ve all been there. It’s 10:07 —  the height of your mad dash to your 10:15 class — and everyone, and I mean everyone seems to be out on Locust. You see your professor, friends, enemies, and wait — is that the one girl your great aunt told you to keep an eye out for? Was that your slink you just pretended you didn't know?

Career Services Guide: Companies Hiring and Accepting Sexual Favors for Summer 2024

(10/09/23 6:31pm)

It’s that time of year! Companies are starting to welcome new hires for the coming summer, and young adults across the nation are foaming at the mouth at the chance to sell their fleeting youth to Big Internship. Internship hunting can be overwhelming, and it is often difficult to find the opportunities meant for you. Hopefully, this guide can ease some of the internship uncertainty – possibly with the help of a few risqué LinkedIn messages. Here are eight companies that are hiring interns, and accepting sexual favors, for summer 2024! 

Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts

(10/10/23 5:07pm)

It’s safe to say that sororities and fraternities aren’t beacons of acceptance. It goes beyond not taking everyone who applies and extends to discrimination. I cried a river when I found out. But it’s a problem that the social justice warriors of the University of Pennsylvania Intercultural Greek Council take seriously. Thank god. 

Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

(10/04/23 11:27pm)

The other day, I walked behind our beloved president Liz Magill. Her blonde hair shone as always, and she was quite poised. I had but one thought: “Wow! Her perfume’s so nice I can smell it standing 8 feet away from her." Maybe with enough money and alumni donations, I too will command the wind to carry my signature scent (Prada Paradoxe) all over locust. 

Weaponized Incompetence: Professor Doesn’t Put Syllabus in Syllabus Section of Canvas

(10/05/23 4:14pm)

As midterm season rolls around, hundreds of students are combing through Canvas in an attempt to track down their syllabus and the all too important grading breakdown. For most, it’s a simple scroll through the menu items, Class Readings (boooring), People (is that cute guy from Psych 1001 taking the course?), Course Materials @ Penn libraries (no idea what that is), aaaaand finally the Syllabus page.

OP-ED: It’s Not Your Professor’s Fault That Your Academic Drive is Decaying like The Carrion of a Murdered Prey

(10/05/23 3:14pm)

Are we the root of the problem? Do we, as students, not appreciate the effort it takes for these professors to read the material they assign to us and read to us what we already know? The answer is yes, but with a twist. You’re the problem. Not me! I’m fine, and so are my sweet and beau co-writers at this publication. You’re the issue though, and you should really stop blaming others for it, it's not so chic…

BREAKING: Armed With Nuclear Warheads, Rival Sororities Compete for Fall Bake Sale ARCH Patio Space

(10/02/23 5:21pm)

In their next maneuver, The sisters of Kappa Alpha Theta (“Theta”) plan to divert sales at the Delta Delta Delta 2023 Fall Foliage Fundraising Bake Sale by detonating 50 tons of nuclear explosives under  the patio outside ARCH. “This was a make-or-break week for Thetans the world over, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing Delta Delta Delta’s agenda even harder,” said an anatomically gay (not queer), politically-savvy-in-a-corporate-functionary-way ‘27 Fiji rush, describing Theta’s plan to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of nuclear explosives under the ARCH Patio as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to panhellenic relations.

“Sometimes, A Drink Feels Like Family” & Other Non-Concerning Statements to Help You During Rush

(09/29/23 10:53pm)

The truth behind rushing is that it’s not a personal experience meant to introduce the current members to your sorry soul. It’s actually a lot like consulting recruiting! Everyone wants to see you regurgitate some menial information regarding them to ensure your commitment to the upcoming dues that will surprise-bleed your pockets. However, dear loser (note to editor: change this to reader), we have provided a jargon et. al list that is sure to ease your rushing experience. After all, there’s nothing better than easy admissions – ask the test-optional kids!