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(11/21/19 3:09pm)
You might find yourself depressed on a crisp Wednesday night, overcome with the tragedies of your love life. This ‘losing your virginity before graduating’ plan is starting to feel less hopeful. Last week, you barely brushed hands with a potential lover before curling up and suffering a stroke. It’s in times like these where we turn to our politicians for help, and only Elizabeth Warren has stepped up to the challenge.
(11/19/19 3:28am)
What is all this about free healthcare? Let’s be real. As our good friends at Dartmouth have already made clear to us, Big Pharma is good, actually. Us intellectual Democrats know this, and, often, it can feel like we’re left behind by the current rhetoric overtaking the 2020 Presidential run. Just recently, Bernie Sanders was quoted saying to CNN News: “You idiots. You morons. Did you think I was going to hide my power forever? I have read Das Kapital over a dozen times. I visit the grave of the great Vladimir Lenin on my birthday every year. The hammer and sickle emblem is emblazoned over my ass. Social democrat? Me? I will burn this entire capitalist-imperialist state to the goddamn ground. Stalin will look like a fucking anarchist compared to me. Medicare! For! All!”
(11/18/19 2:30pm)
In a continually politically polarized world, we’re all looking to know what someone’s opinions are on Brexit, Operation Condor in South America, and the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Multiple studies have shown that it’s becoming customary to ask “Thoughts on Israel?” before instigating the process of flirting. One Wharton senior, who asked to be referred to only as the “handsome Wharton white boy”, expressed his thoughts: “It’s a little annoying, especially when you’re trying to network, but I’m not interested in attracting girls that think Finland deserves to exist, and I’m really not looking to bring any Lorde-supporters into my start-up business.”
(11/11/19 4:42pm)
Following the posting of a now-viral TikTok video depicting worldwide sweetheart Pamela De La Cruz dancing to obnoxiously loud reggaeton music before a sign that read “Be A Ho No Mo,” the ‘Penn Protesters’ have released a statement of disapproval. “It’s unfair,” said the one who wears the shirt with only 2 slurs on it. “We’re the ones who stand out in the cold all day. We make these signs and practice our preaching, and we’re not even getting a portion of the ad revenue you guys are making?”
(11/11/19 4:48pm)
Retired, arthritis-ridden, and almost certainly a billionaire, Mister Riley Johnson takes pride in being an auditor. He takes pride in how your eyes always trail away from the powerpoint slides to gaze upon the wrinkled, yet gentle skin at his neck. He would offer to share his Anthropology notes with you, but he’d waiting on you to make the first move. He knows you can do it.
(11/03/19 4:39pm)
Not everyone can have taste, but I do, and you should recognize that. So what if I “didn’t understand the assignment” or “failed atrociously” in my rhetoric? I can see the wet spots by your collar; I can see the vague lines down your cheeks of dried tears, but sure, give me that F. I know for a fact you weren’t crying out of disappointment. I moved you. Admit it.
(11/04/19 3:31pm)
“I thought these damn rich kids would realize it by now,” Amy Solano, Engineering junior, said to reporters Thursday morning. “But no – here we go again because the snake wasn’t enough. I guess whoever is keeping these things didn’t get the body count they wanted the first time.”
(10/29/19 2:00pm)
So, you’ve probably read like 8 articles about how dumb Wharton is right? Haha, Wharton snakes, haha Wharton bad. Well, as much I agree, it can get a little grating to read over and over. I mean, I love guillotines as much as the next cute farm boy, but writing satirical articles about it is not good praxis. So, while I’m out trying to organize a mass proletariat movement, I think we should take this chance to shift our comedy a bit too. Except, as I spent hours staring into the architectural disgrace that is Huntsman Hall’s exterior, I found that there just wasn’t a group that’s as funny as business majors.
(10/28/19 2:00pm)
Following the results of last week’s poll, the writers of Under the Button Dot Com have taken it upon themselves to spotlight the supposed "sexiest" member of the writing family. Standing at a whopping 7 feet tall, Pamela De La Cruz replied to requests for interview ecstatically. Over a piping hot chai tea (some would say maybe as hot as Pamela herself) at the local Stommons, a series of 5 questions were asked. Pamela asked for no more, as her schedule was quite full already, and she couldn't waste more than 10.869 minutes there. The following is a transcript of the steamy interaction.
(10/21/19 3:34pm)
“I mean,” said Angela Han (Wharton '23) according to a an anonymous report, “stop asking for handouts from the government.”
(10/21/19 2:32pm)
There’s nothing like studying for your Intro-to-International-Relations midterm in the Starbucks under Class of 1920 Commons as the crippling sexual tension of two people beside you thickens. While a lot of people are willing to put up with the number of romantic dates happening at ‘Stommons’, and some might even be invested in watching these relationships develop, I think we, as a united student body, need to rise up against it.
(10/07/19 7:49am)
You probably look up to Elon Musk, yeah? You spend your days coming home after frat parties, wobbling, struggling to reach your desk as the remembrance of having an exam tomorrow hits you hard enough to puke.
(10/02/19 3:11pm)
“An absolute mess,” started Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi this past Thursday. “A mess! It’s about time we went out and said what everyone already knows. We did some final calculations ourselves, but now that there is no margin of error to the data, we can formally announce that the United States was, and is, a mistake.” She was met with a room of applause as couples kissed and families embraced, but she left with a stumble without answering any media questions. Witnesses claim she may have been sobbing.