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Big news for the 14 students at Penn who genuinely enjoy sports: after a win against the LA Rams on Sunday night, the Eagles clinched the NFC East! But it wasn't all sunshine for Eagles fans. Carson Wentz, the Eagles' very talented, ginger, and North Dakotan quarterback, left the game with a season-ending ACL tear. Yikes.
Hey folks,
When my parents paid a sick $37.75 for my Junior Class Sweater, I was thrilled. People would recognize that I'm an upperclassman— I'm just taking Econ 001 because I need to fulfill the Society sector, okay? Plus, I would have a cute fall sweater that I could wear homecoming weekend. But when I finally picked up that bad boy after waiting eighteen hours in line, I was disappointed. Because, my P-sweater? It's really more like a P-sweatshirt.
Dear Applicant,
Hello world, it’s me. I know a lot of crazy things are going on in this beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy we puny, ephemeral beings call life. Some good, a lot kinda suckish. So, I get it. You’re probably pretty busy right now. But I need to tell you about something. Something that people are not talking about. Something I find really, really important.
You had a pretty sweet date night two Thursdays ago. First, you went to a sick BYO— ate some vaguely Asian food, drank a quart of Sunset Blush, the usual. Then, you hopped in an Uber and drove 8 blocks to the venue. Even better? The bouncer your date's frat hired totally fell for your IDGod Connecticut and gave you a wristband. Haha, like, you're not gonna be 21 for another 4 months. Sweet! Good thing you paid $12 for a jack and coke and sipped it in a designated section of the club while everyone else danced. Can you say awesome?
College freshman Julia Gibson is super single. Like, she dumped her high school boyfriend of 2 years over the summer so she could wouldn't be tied down in college, and she's not sad about it at all. She also thinks she might be almost on the way to talking to this one guy, but she's not sure yet. So when she was tagged in a Penn Crushes post last night, she was thrilled.
According to her roommate, Taylor Otto (C '20), Rachel Greenfield (E '20) is seriously the worst. Taylor had totally thought they were going to be best friends after spending 80 minutes together during NSO, but boy was she wrong. Rachel doesn't really take out the trash that often. Taylor is pretty sure that Rachel hasn't filled up the Brita filter once this semester. Some weekends Rachel does this thing where she comes home drunk and pukes in the sink, even though the toilet is right there! Worst of all? Rachel never does her dishes.
According to his Facebook profile, Harrison Kelly will be graduating from The Wharton School in 2018, and is studying —sorry, concentrating in— both Accounting and Finance. Looking through his photos, Kelly appears to love wearing pastels and walking East of 36th Street. He seems happy, but he's hiding a dark secret. It's, like, October 14th, and Kelly doesn't have a full-time banking job lined up already.
Tom Anderson (C '19, N '19, E '19) used to have it all. He was happily pursuing his fabulously uncoordinated triple-degree program, and was looking forward to a moderately unrelated career in consulting. But today, that all changed.
It's official. The day is finally here. On this day, October 9th, 2017, sophomores Erin McCarthy and Melissa Ryan have been Facebook Friends for exactly one calendar year. And thank God they shared the news with the world, or else millions of people may never have realized the gravity of the day.
You may have heard that once again, Rodin had a fire alarm go off in the middle of the night. For Rodin residents, this certainly was an annoying an unfortunate event. But the story the mainstream media hasn’t told you? The fire alarms themselves — they’re overworked, underpaid and in need of a higher quality of life.
Students in Professor Timothy Romanov’s “Philosophy of Why You Text ‘lol’ When You Aren’t Actually Laughing out Loud” agree that the class is “mostly, pretty ok.” On PennCourseReview, the Course and Professor Received fairly solid (but not amazing) 2.98’s, while the class was rated only a 2.12 for difficulty.
It's Thursday night when you realize: it was your turn to buy toilet paper this week, and.... you forgot. What now? CVS is closed, and even if it wasn't, you can't really afford to spend $16.99 on two-ply right now. So you consider the worst—running over to Chipotle and grabbing some napkins—but you realize that you still have some dignity left. Instead, you resolve to steal some TP from one of the many bathrooms on campus. We've compiled a list of the best commodes from which you can purloin toilet paper:
Karen Cooper (C '19) was a truly excellent student in high school, even if she only got into the College. She was the kid that made a set of flashcards on Quizlet before every quiz and test, and shared them with the whole class. What a baller. It was no surprise that Cooper graduated at the top of her class– suck it, Tommy Finnegan (just kidding, how's Cornell going?).
On the surface, restaurant week appears to be a great deal– twice a year, college students can afford a three course meal at some of Philly's best restaurants. But Lauren Carmichael's (E '20) night out to ended up being nothing but a stomach full of utter disappointment.
Andrew Price (C '20) is having an existential crisis. In the past 7 days, he has changed his class schedule a total of 11 times.
Every undergraduate class at Penn has something that sets it apart from the rest. The Class of 2020 had the highest yield rate of any incoming class, the Class of 2019 definitely contains all of the smartest and most attractive students at Penn, and the Class of 2018 is pretty good too! Now, the Class of 2021 finally has some bragging rights on campus. Penn's freshman class had the highest number of virginities preserved during NSO– ever.
It's August, people. NSO is weeks away. Midterms are next month. After a quick glance through Penn's meme group, you'd think that everyone would be dreading returning to school. But instead, you see your friend's grand-cousin-twice-removed comment "can't wait to get MERTed again soon!!" on instagram. It seems that for some reason, people might be looking forward to the fall semester.
Even though Penn's Financial Aid budget increased by $9 million this year, Student Financial Services will no longer offer fifth-year students aid. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Another little-known provision in the school's financial aid policy will now be enforced, restricting undergraduate financial aid grants to only 47 days per student.