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Student Who Has Never Heard of an Onside Kick 'Devastated' About Carson Wentz

(12/12/17 4:17am)

Big news for the 14 students at Penn who genuinely enjoy sports: after a win against the LA Rams on Sunday night, the Eagles clinched the NFC East! But it wasn't all sunshine for Eagles fans. Carson Wentz, the Eagles' very talented, ginger, and North Dakotan quarterback, left the game with a season-ending ACL tear. Yikes.

Petition: Junior Class 'Sweaters' Are Actually Sweatshirts, Impeach Class Board

(11/20/17 9:32pm)

When my parents paid a sick $37.75 for my Junior Class Sweater, I was thrilled. People would recognize that I'm an upperclassman— I'm just taking Econ 001 because I need to fulfill the Society sector, okay? Plus, I would have a cute fall sweater that I could wear homecoming weekend. But when I finally picked up that bad boy after waiting eighteen hours in line, I was disappointed. Because, my P-sweater? It's really more like a P-sweatshirt.

OP-ED: Is It Just Me, or Are Grapes Really Expensive?

(11/11/17 7:02am)

Hello world, it’s me. I know a lot of crazy things are going on in this beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy we puny, ephemeral beings call life. Some good, a lot kinda suckish. So, I get it. You’re probably pretty busy right now. But I need to tell you about something. Something that people are not talking about. Something I find really, really important.

Nice! Your Date Night Pics Are Here and Your Eyes Look Pretty Glazed Over

(11/02/17 4:04am)

You had a pretty sweet date night two Thursdays ago. First, you went to a sick BYO— ate some vaguely Asian food, drank a quart of Sunset Blush, the usual. Then, you hopped in an Uber and drove 8 blocks to the venue. Even better? The bouncer your date's frat hired totally fell for your IDGod Connecticut and gave you a wristband. Haha, like, you're not gonna be 21 for another 4 months. Sweet! Good thing you paid $12 for a jack and coke and sipped it in a designated section of the club while everyone else danced. Can you say awesome?

50-Year-Old Man Uses Penn Crushes to Catfish Freshman

(10/28/17 3:32am)

College freshman Julia Gibson is super single. Like, she dumped her high school boyfriend of 2 years over the summer so she could wouldn't be tied down in college, and she's not sad about it at all. She also thinks she might be almost on the way to talking to this one guy, but she's not sure yet. So when she was tagged in a Penn Crushes post last night, she was thrilled.

Roommate Too Busy to Wash Dishes but Still Has Time to Fuck That Guy 2.5 Times a Day

(10/17/17 9:10am)

According to her roommate, Taylor Otto (C '20), Rachel Greenfield (E '20) is seriously the worst. Taylor had totally thought they were going to be best friends after spending 80 minutes together during NSO, but boy was she wrong. Rachel doesn't really take out the trash that often. Taylor is pretty sure that Rachel hasn't filled up the Brita filter once this semester. Some weekends Rachel does this thing where she comes home drunk and pukes in the sink, even though the toilet is right there! Worst of all? Rachel never does her dishes.

Valuable Experience: Wharton Senior Venmo Charges 30 People $1.37 After BYO

(10/14/17 5:32pm)

According to his Facebook profile, Harrison Kelly will be graduating from The Wharton School in 2018, and is studying —sorry, concentrating in— both Accounting and Finance. Looking through his photos, Kelly appears to love wearing pastels and walking East of 36th Street. He seems happy, but he's hiding a dark secret. It's, like, October 14th, and Kelly doesn't have a full-time banking job lined up already.

Holy Shit! Erin and Melissa Became Facebook Friends Exactly One Year Ago

(10/09/17 7:35am)

It's official. The day is finally here. On this day, October 9th, 2017, sophomores Erin McCarthy and Melissa Ryan have been Facebook Friends for exactly one calendar year. And thank God they shared the news with the world, or else millions of people may never have realized the gravity of the day.

​Overworked Rodin Fire Alarm in Desperate Need of a Raise

(10/02/17 7:19pm)

You may have heard that once again, Rodin had a fire alarm go off in the middle of the night. For Rodin residents, this certainly was an annoying an unfortunate event. But the story the mainstream media hasn’t told you? The fire alarms themselves — they’re overworked, underpaid and in need of a higher quality of life.

​Professor With Tenure Still Doesn’t Know to Let Students Leave Ten Minutes Early

(09/30/17 8:59pm)

Students in Professor Timothy Romanov’s “Philosophy of Why You Text ‘lol’ When You Aren’t Actually Laughing out Loud” agree that the class is “mostly, pretty ok.” On PennCourseReview, the Course and Professor Received fairly solid (but not amazing) 2.98’s, while the class was rated only a 2.12 for difficulty.

7 On-Campus Restrooms You Can Totally Steal Toilet Paper From

(10/10/17 9:39am)

It's Thursday night when you realize: it was your turn to buy toilet paper this week, and.... you forgot. What now? CVS is closed, and even if it wasn't, you can't really afford to spend $16.99 on two-ply right now. So you consider the worst—running over to Chipotle and grabbing some napkins—but you realize that you still have some dignity left. Instead, you resolve to steal some TP from one of the many bathrooms on campus. We've compiled a list of the best commodes from which you can purloin toilet paper:

Former High School Valedictorian Confused That She Sucks at Studying Now

(09/20/17 3:48pm)

Karen Cooper (C '19) was a truly excellent student in high school, even if she only got into the College. She was the kid that made a set of flashcards on Quizlet before every quiz and test, and shared them with the whole class. What a baller. It was no surprise that Cooper graduated at the top of her class– suck it, Tommy Finnegan (just kidding, how's Cornell going?).

Class of 2021 Shatters Record for Most Virginities Preserved During NSO

(09/02/17 4:09pm)

Every undergraduate class at Penn has something that sets it apart from the rest. The Class of 2020 had the highest yield rate of any incoming class, the Class of 2019 definitely contains all of the smartest and most attractive students at Penn, and the Class of 2018 is pretty good too! Now, the Class of 2021 finally has some bragging rights on campus. Penn's freshman class had the highest number of virginities preserved during NSO– ever.

Forgetting How Terrible School Is, Students Appear Excited for Semester to Start

(08/01/17 9:50pm)

It's August, people. NSO is weeks away. Midterms are next month. After a quick glance through Penn's meme group, you'd think that everyone would be dreading returning to school. But instead, you see your friend's grand-cousin-twice-removed comment "can't wait to get MERTed again soon!!" on instagram. It seems that for some reason, people might be looking forward to the fall semester.

SFS Will Now Offer Undergrads Financial Aid for Only 47 Days

(07/28/17 8:32pm)

Even though Penn's Financial Aid budget increased by $9 million this year, Student Financial Services will no longer offer fifth-year students aid. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. Another little-known provision in the school's financial aid policy will now be enforced, restricting undergraduate financial aid grants to only 47 days per student.