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Penn-thropology: You might be a freshman if...

As a transfer student, I have the lovely experience of not being a freshman while often getting treated as if I were (for the record, I didn't ask to live in Hill, and those upperclassmen choosing to live here again are crazy). But rather than dwell, I've used my social pariah status to study the ways of the first-semester freshman.  You may think think that the giant scarlet "F" you felt like your were wearing on your forehead during NSO has disappeared as you settle into October, but there's still a lot to learn.  Here are five of the most egregious errors.

Tip 1: Penn Swag I love Penn as much as the next student. And when I heard about Bursar for the first time, I loved Penn even more (Penn 1, Indiana University 0). After all, the best part of shopping is using the credit card you swiped out of Dad's wallet. It's great that you want to rock that school spirit. But we can tell you’re a freshman when you wear a different Penn shirt every day, carry your Penn coffee mug everywhere, and never take your Penn baseball cap off. Common Freshman Misconception: That $1,000 dollar Bursar credit? You haven't paid for that yet. It's like a credit card limit. So good luck explaining your shopping spree at the bookstore to Mom and Dad.

Tip 2: I'm Such a BAMF! Now that you’re in college, it’s natural that you’re going to let off some steam and get hammered every once in a while. But if you want to blend in, let me offer you some advice: stop trying so damn hard. It’s great that your night was crazy, but nobody cares how many shots per hour you downed last night. And if you really want to ruin your chances at making upperclassmen friends, you should avoid uttering the phrase “I was soooo drunk last night!” Common Freshman Misconception: Drinking until you puke is not cool. And having to take care of you will make the rare upperclassman who lives in your dorm hate you. Trips to the hospital are equally frowned upon.

Tip 3: Traveling in Packs Upperclassmen know that any group of more than five overdressed girls wearing far too much makeup is a group of freshman girls. If you’re tired of being hit on by sleazy junior boys who think you're easy, you’d do better to leave a few of your friends at home. Peer Pressure Warning: Despite what I may say, please use your judgment when traveling in West Philadelphia at night.

Tip 4: More Proof of My BlackBerry Hatred Look, I love making friends as much as the next person. But it drives upperclassmen crazy when you’re standing in a circle trading numbers with the people you just met five minutes ago. The excessive number exchange is a sure sign of being a freshman. Common Freshman Misconception: Exchanging numbers with someone does not cement your friendship anymore than friending them on Facebook.

Tip 5: You're That Guy... It’s great that you’re so enthusiastic about learning—after all, you’re certainly paying enough. But when you constantly ask the most obvious questions in your lectures and recitations? Not only are you not going to make friends with other freshmen, but upperclassmen will be mocking you all semester long. Common Freshman Misconception: Asking your professor inane what-if questions will not procure you a glowing recommendation. Rather, it will likely make said professor hate you for reminding them that they don't get paid nearly enough for this job.

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