Pledge Bonds with Orangutan Plush After Being Dropped by APES

Former APES pledge and recent GEED Mark "Punch" Goldberg—so named for his proclivity for spiking the punch bowl—was dropped by APES on Monday after saying a slur in public and not behind closed doors like he is supposed to. Reports say he has found sole consolation in an orangutan plush from IKEA. Punch was last seen clutching the plush on Locust, presumably seeing it as a surrogate PM.

Despite attempts to assimilate to Penn following his disownment, Punch has reportedly decided to transfer schools. "I just don't see what's left for me here," he said in a dejected interview with UTB. The ex-bledge cites a particular incident informing his decision: after agreeing to meet one Samantha Stein via Instagram DMs, Punch was lured to APES chouse and aggressively tickled. "I should've recognized that address," he sobbed. "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

A few institutions are under Punch's consideration. San Diego State University is a top choice owing to the world-renowned San Diego Zoo, where Punch believes he may find solace in the orangutan exhibit. The University of Iowa is another strong contender. "I just wanna go somewhere I wouldn't be expected to hide my true self," the former pledge commented in reference to his love for condiments, bondage, and racial prejudice.

When asked about the circumstances of his discharge from APES, Punch expressed feelings of disillusionment. "I was hoping I could just get dropped from my clubs, remove my profile pic for a few weeks, and eventually make a subtle but epic comeback," he complained. "I guess not everyone can get away with saying slurs."