Gay Student Endures Premature Twink Death After Drinking Starbucks Protein Matcha

On Tuesday, University Twink Michael Jackson (C ’27, no relation) walked into Stommons to order an okay matcha when he discovered an intriguing new item: the protein matcha. 

Curious, he ordered the drink and, after tasting it, reported it was “awful and not worth the fucking money. Girl, it tasted like chalk.” Right after his review, Jackson threw the drink into the trash and coughed up a cloud of green dust. 

One sip, however, was all it took for a horrific transformation to occur. After walking out of Stommons, Jackson tried to finger through his luscious locks and pulled clumps of hair out,  a result of muscles that were three times bigger than they were five minutes earlier. 

Jackson reported that, before drinking the protein matcha, he was 103 pounds, 5’ 2”. After drinking the concoction, he found himself at 290 pounds, 6’ 5”, significantly more bald, and two small wrinkles on his forehead. 

“Fuckkk I’m so bald fuckkkk and so muscular fuckkkkk and so bald and muscular fuckkkkkkkk,” he said s with a noticeably deeper tone of voice. “What happened to my youthful features?? I look like I’m, like, 27.”

This crisis has also caused issues in Jackson’s romantic life. Under the Button asked Jackson’s boyfriend Morgan Freeman (C ’27, no relation) his thoughts.

“I do not wrestle with bears. I do not swim with otters,” he said “And I sure as hell don’t run with bulls. He needs to get this fixed. Now.” 

So far, this is proving impossible. Jackson tried to walk through ACME’s grocery aisles but could only knock over products by accident due to his new bulk; what he did manage to grab, he was forced to put back on the shelf because of its high protein content: protein oatmeal, protein poptarts, protein water, and Whey protein-fueled protein, now with double the protein. 

All hope seemed lost to Jackson. After buying brand new clothes to accommodate his new size, in a last-ditch attempt to return to normal, he walked to Stommons to find comfort in a simple, regular, oat milk matcha. After taking one sip, he reverted to his twinkish form. 

When asked how he feels about going back to normal, he replied, “I mean it’s fine I guess, but I just spent $500 on these brand new clothes. Goddamn it!”