OP-ED: Use Some Fucking Chapstick Before We Make Out, Bro

C’mon, Chad, it’s winter. The air is dry as hell. You need to use some Chapstick first if you expect anything to happen.

Look, I get it. You don’t want the other brothers to see you using Chapstick because you’re worried that they’ll make fun of you. But they all have the crustiest lips I’ve ever seen, and yours aren’t much better. It’s okay to free yourself from the toxic prison of hypermasculinity once in a while. Buy some normal fucking yogurt instead of brogurt. Coconut-smelling shampoo doesn’t have to just be for women. And yes, you’re allowed to shave that really, really hairy chest of yours. Sorry–I mean, please shave that really, really hairy chest of yours.

I carry Chapstick around wherever I go. You’re allowed to use it. Just please, anything to stop your lips from feeling like the end piece of a loaf of stale bread. You don’t even have to use Chapstick regularly. I don’t care. Just before we make out, you gotta use some. This frat basement is dark and nobody’s paying attention, so will you just hurry up?

And don’t even get me started about your elbows and knees. How do you walk around in shorts in the wintertime when your knees are that ashy? It’s honestly painful to look at. If you’re still curious why I don’t like being seen in public with you from the months of November through February, there’s your reason. I can’t even hold your hand because you refuse to moisturize! I use a little extra lotion before I hold your hand in hopes that it’ll make yours softer.

Oh, and your random nosebleeds? Those are because the air’s so dry, too. So you can stop looking at WebMD and thinking that you have 18 different obscure diseases at once.

I’m sorry, is this coming off a bit aggressive? This has been something I’ve been thinking about ever since we started dating in middle school. And honestly? It’s a deal-breaker. So either you use some Chapstick before we kiss, or we’re over.