OP-ED: The Housing Announcement Isn't Late
Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian
July 17, 2020 at 11:21 am
What's that? You thought that you would have gotten the housing assignments announcement by now? The University said you would get the announcement by "mid-July" and you believed them?! HA! I can understand your frustration, but here's the unpopular truth: the housing announcement isn't late yet.
Before you start arguing with me about what "mid-July" really means, (trust me I've been there) let me explain. To those of you who thought you would have heard about housing by now, you simply didn't translate the University message properly.
Penn, like many organizations, often uses a language called "Baseless Sentences," or as it is known to experts in the field of linguistics, BS. This strange language is based on English but is coded in such a way that the words don't mean what they would in standard English. Below is a list of BS phrases and their standard English translations for your convenience.
"Student safety is our top priority" means "We will protect students(ish) because we don't want a lawsuit"
"Hybrid experience" means "Online experience, except you live on campus so we get your housing money"
"Making a committee" means "We aren't doing anything to fix the issue, but still need your financial support"
"Commitment to sustainability" means "I think we have a sustainability club"
"Make a gift" means "Give us a sizable "donation" right now"
"Together we will make it work" means "Please don't complain about us"
"Mid-July" means "We have no idea when anything will happen (perhaps the end of July? Early August?) but mid-July is vague enough people might not call us out"
As you can see on the list, while in standard English, "mid-July" means "in the middle of July, usually the 15th or 16th," in BS, "Mid-July" means "we have no idea when anything will happen (perhaps the end of July? Early August?) but mid-July is vague enough people might not call us out." Due to a simple translation error, Penn students have been stressing about housing when there's no need to do so. You won't get those housing assignments for a while, so you might as well sit back and relax.
Will Evans C' 22