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Undefeated Penn Football Team Will Now Face Alabama at Homecoming Game


Associated Press - Andrew Harnik (with edits)

Some are calling it the team of destiny. Others, the finest squad in the nation. It’s not the Georgia Bulldogs, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, or the Clemson Tigers. You must've guessed by now. It’s the University of Pennsylvania Quakers. 

The football team has been steamrolling its opponents, and in doing so has increased Penn school spirit to a record-high “golf clap” level. Students have even reported creeping thoughts of ... tailgates. (Just thoughts. Nothing more.) Just last week, the team handed Columbia a 34-14 loss — a smackdown only comparable to what U.S. News & World Report did to the institution a month prior. At 5-0, however, the Quakers are not satisfied. The Ivy League no longer provides the necessary competition. In a bold move, the school has changed their homecoming opponent from Yale to Alabama. 

Lots have happened since the announcement. ESPN’s College Gameday is scheduled to arrive at Franklin Field early Saturday morning. Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line. A total of twelve (12) Penn students have bought advance tickets to the game. Most importantly, the school has announced plans to join the SEC by 2025. The best part? With nationally televised games, the school will finally have the funding to give each student an electric scooter. The future is bright for Penn athletics, and our boys in red and blue are leading the charge.

Note: Experts predict the Quakers will lose by 94.