OP-ED: The Herzog Housewarming Was Awful

I read a book by some author you don’t know — I read many, many books — and it told me how to throw a party. I throw many parties! And they are fun. I am fun. Let me tell you how you should have fun.

So, this book told me that the people you invite to parties is what makes them good. And wow, what an absolute dumpster fire the Herzog Housewarming was. The invite list was all wrong. I couldn’t stand to be around such undesirables. Remember, by the way, I have studied this topic.

There were people who were enjoying themselves, dancing, and taking photos. What kind of fucked up, twisted party guest would take photos? Have we all lost our minds? I do not take photos. And no one was talking to me either. That was everyone else’s fault for not wanting to interact with me. What an awfully curated party. 

The only acceptable behavior for a guest invited into someone’s home is to sit in the corner and frantically scribble a curmudgeonly review of their hospitality and party planning competencies. Why am I the only one who understands this? The Herzog House must do better. I was aghast at the amount of people who shared in a night of carefree enjoyment making memories together.  

I am not the problem. I am a delight! The problem is everyone else.