Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program

Postgrad Wharton student Reginald Woolsey (W ’27) was left embarrassed and humiliated on Monday after realizing a critical misunderstanding when applying for his MBA program. Woolsey approached Huntsman Hall donning a button-down shirt, tailored blazer, trousers, a basketball, and a fresh pair of the new Luka .77 ‘Hčerka’s. 

“I was kinda surprised to learn that Wharton had a program that feeds students into major league basketball teams, even if we’ve never played the sport before,” said a red-faced Woolsey, dribbling his ball anxiously. “I thought studying finance was just a strange necessity for the program, but I thought, ‘Hey, who doesn’t want a chance to play with Embiid or Bronny or Rodman?'” He seemed unaware that Dennis Rodman retired in 2000, and nobody should tell him to save him from further demoralization.

Woolsey’s initial beliefs were further supported when he entered his classroom and found a full roster of students also wearing professional attire, baller-ass Nikes, and playing with their individual basketballs. However, he remarked that he felt rather inadequate and underprepared upon entering: his classmates also wore headbands, mouth guards, compression leg sleeves, and tape around their limbs. Woolsey had not considered the minute details of a serious basketball player and thus felt out of his depth.

Eventually, their professor entered the classroom. Upon seeing the strange display of students, she simply mumbled, “What the hell is going on at this stupid school,” before introducing the concept of cryptocurrency.

After the lecture, Woolsey attempted to make the most of a bad situation and asked his classmates if they wanted to form a local basketball club. A five-foot-nine student approached him and announced, “You’re not good enough for the big leagues, kid.” The group left Woolsey high and dry, went to the Palestra, and missed free throws for three hours straight. 

After much reflection on this egregious, easily avoidable mistake, Woolsey asked himself one last question to reflect on this unfortunate night: “Does this mean I actually need to study finance?”