Op-Ed: The Louvre Robbery Wouldn’t Have Happened if Van Pelt Bag Checkers Were There

The Louvre is one of the most important museums in the world, and yet it was robbed just last week. How is it then that Van Pelt, a library for a small school in West Philadelphia (NOT Drexel…a small Ivy League school in West Philadelphia) has never been robbed? 

All signs point to the bag checkers.

You know them, you love them, and you probably get anxious that you somehow accidentally placed a library book in your bag when you interact with them. But do you ever wonder, how are they so damn good at their job? 

A representative from the NSA gave Under The Button an inside scoop on the fascinating facts on security at Van Pelt library:

“It’s astonishing. The level of detail, care, and thoroughness the Van Pelt bag checkers use is of the highest security in the world. They are trained to look like they’re doing absolutely nothing when looking in your bag, when in reality, they’re doing a more thorough search than TSA.”

This level of care has gone unnoticed for decades, but after the Louvre robbery, these silent heroes have gained some recognition. Even University President J. L. LL. J. Larry Jameson has thoughts on the matter:

“It’s really amazing the work the Van Pelt bag checkers do. Keeping Van Pelt safe is their top priority, and they’ll do anything to ensure nothing gets stolen. They’re instructed to kill on the spot if anyone steals anything.” 

So, my advice to the Louvre? To mimic the security here at Van Pelt library, here are the steps you should take:

1. Only have 1 person checking if anyone stole something at all times.
2. Make sure there’s no actual blockade for someone to run out with whatever they stole, as they’ll know to stop and have their bag checked if they stole something.
3. Probably start paying your security much less, to match that at Van Pelt.