Breaking: Multiple Sightings of The Fabled Quad Blue Whale Swimming Through The Tunnels Persist

Under The Button is officially investigating claims of an enormous 400,000 pound blue whale swimming in the quad tunnels at night. Here is what we know so far:

Five days ago at 3:22 am, a freshman NARC living in Ware went out to report hearing neighbors below her having super loud sex with really deep moans. However, when she left her dorm to report it, something crazy happened: she remembered she lived on the FIRST FLOOR. 

“I was like sooooo confused. First, these people were making SUCH weird noises while they were hooking up, but then I was like wtf…no one lives below me?? I thought it was a ghost or something. That’s until…I saw it. The Whale. On HBO max. Won an academy award. That distracted me for a while. But then, after watching the movie, I was like OMG, what were those noises I heard?”

Things didn’t stop there. After many additional complaints of an odd, deep sound throughout all the quad, Under The Button took it into our own hands. 

As we ventured into the tunnels, we immediately heard it. 

At first we thought it was just the plumbing, but after a while we understood what it was saying:

“GOoOoOoOooooOOOOooOOooooOOO QUaaaaaaakkkkkkkkeeeeehhhhrrrrrrSSSSSssssssss”

What the hell? Could this be the fabled quad blue whale??

Many years ago, Benjamin Franklin wrote about a large sea creature desperate for an Ivy League education but turned away because of the lack of a marine studies major. Since that time, as legend has it, this animal, a blue whale, has supposedly lived underground at the quad, using sound waves to eavesdrop on studying freshmen in the hopes of testing out of year one.

It’s been a while since we heard about the blue whale, but when a story stays around for hundreds of years, there must be some truth to it. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. UTB will continue to follow this situation closely. It may be time for an honorary degree to allow the poor creature to move on…TO BE CONTINUED