“Existential Despair” Course Replaced With 8-Hour Loop of Eagles’ Playoff Incompetence

Professor McDaniel’s “Existential Despair” has long been one of Penn’s most notorious challenges. The course occurs once a week and is 8 hours long. There are no screens, no lectures, and no conversations. The only thing students are permitted to do is sit silently with their own thoughts. That was until the Eagles’ terrible playoff loss to the 49ers last week provided Prof. McDaniel with a new, innovative way to torture students.

After all, what is the contemplation of one’s own death in comparison to Kevin Patullo’s playcalling on 4th and 11 with the game on the line? What is the imagination of random noises in the face of AJ Brown complaining about not getting targets all year only to drop key passes on the final drive? Trying to figure out what time it is without a clock may seem bad, but nothing compares to Nick Siriani shit-talking fans in Buffalo only to not win a game the rest of the season.

Several students have already dropped out of this revamped version of “Existential Despair”, citing personal damages, the development of schizophrenia, and a desire to physically harm Eagles kicker Jake Elliot. Parents have begun protesting the class, and a Supreme Court ruling is now expected on whether the curriculum violates the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition on “cruel and unusual punishment.” One visibly-shaken student said “I really thought the locker-room positivity bunny would save the Eagles’ season, but now there is nothing to smile about in my life.”

Although Prof. McDaniel notes that the Eagles’ recent firing of Kevin Patullo may limit the availability of new material for next year’s curriculum, he remains steadfast in his new approach to teaching his students the true meaning of existential despair. Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts is also expected to enroll in the course next year to come up with some more deep quotes for his postgame press conferences.