Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self
Local student Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang (E ‘28) was reportedly kept from committing suicide this Monday after the University announced that it would be suspending its operations due to inclement weather. Reports indicate that after a UPennAlert was sent out declaring that “Normal University operations [were to be] suspended for Monday, January 26, 2026,” Zhang discarded a length of rope in a Harnwell trash chute along with a hastily-written will and testament stating to whom the $12.66 in his Chase checking account would be bequeathed.
“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release. “Nevertheless, I’m very excited to see what events the future has in store for me, such as building snowmen with my peers and sledding down Locust Walk, and I hope that this development puts a heartwarming spin on an otherwise chilly day!”
Zhang could not be reached for further comment on account of his killing himself after realizing that a day of regularly scheduled classes would still be held on Tuesday.
