Unemployed Senior Really Banking on Job Offer From Military Draft

When I first applied to Penn, I wanted to major in sociology so that I could help underserved communities. Then, I switched to pre-med so that I could still help people but make a ton of money while I do it. Then, I switched to investment banking so that I could still make a ton of money while avoiding having to help people. Now, I switched to unemployment because apparently BlackRock isn’t looking for an analyst with a 3.34 GPA whose only internship experience is a pyramid scheme based out of Liberia.

That is why I was so excited when I turned on the news and saw that the Middle East had descended into a bloody regional war. If the United States empties its missile stockpile and is forced to deploy reserve troops on the ground, and then all of those reserve troops are completely annihilated, triggering the need for a civilian military draft, it could really improve my job prospects. I’ll cross my fingers for that to happen.

Deploying to Iran would provide me with an opportunity to gain valuable skills. I could practice my attention to detail by vividly remembering every excruciating detail of my friend being disemboweled by a landmine on the outskirts of Tehran. Or I could learn how to be a team player by listening to Pete Hegseth when he says that it’s not a war crime if the person you’re doing it to doesn’t speak English. These are the types of transferable experiences that really help your resume stand out in a competitive job market, and you can’t find them in the classroom.

U.S. soldiers also receive fantastic benefits. Just look at medical care. When my uncle deployed to Vietnam in 1968, the army medic sewed him up really well after he was castrated with a sledgehammer in a Viet Cong prisoner-of-war camp. And when he came home to America, he received a market standard $0 per year pension and became a homeless heroin addict. I hope to receive a similarly excellent standard of care when I am inevitably castrated in an Iranian POW camp and sent home to become a homeless heroin addict.

President Trump, if you’re reading this, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.