Breaking My Silence: All You Bitches Suck

I’ve been sitting on this for a while. Not because I’m scared, but because I kept getting distracted by people saying “We should do something” and then immediately doing nothing.

“It’s been a while … ”
“Let’s catch up … ”
Let’s: “Lunch … ” “Happy hour … ” “Grab a drink … ”

Let’s not.

Because it’s never “just one drink.” It’s four drinks. Three weird silences that get blamed on “the vibes.” A 2:15 a.m. Uber. The short white guy from your PennQuest group who went to Lower Merion High School somehow being there. And a text that says, “Wait, are we good?”

No. We’re not good. We haven’t been good since someone pissed in a bottle on the way back from FIJI Tropics 2023.

And the craziest part is, we all agree to this every single time. Suddenly, you’re three drinks in making eye contact with someone you only know through a mutual Google Calendar invite and a vague understanding they’re “pre-med or consulting”.

Also, why is there always one person who acts like plans are a surprise? You were in the group chat. You reacted to the message. You sent, “So down.” And now you’re showing up like this is a pop quiz.

“I’m free whenever”... no you’re not. You’re free Tuesday from 3:40–4:15 p.m. if Mercury is in retrograde and your lab gets out early. Be honest. We can work with honesty.

“I’m sooo bad at planning lol.” Okay but you just coordinated a retarded ass themed birthday, a pregame, and sent out your stupid fucking Partiful invite with a $5 Venmo suggestion. Suddenly, you’re useless when it’s just coffee?

“I’ll send a When2Meet” don’t do that. One person fills out every slot, fucking psycho. Another blocks off the entire week like they’re the damn president. And somehow the only overlap is 9:10–9:25 p.m. on a Thursday and someone says “wait can we do later?”

So yes, I’m finally saying it: all you bitches suck. Respectfully. After years of observation. In a way that changes nothing.

Anyway, we should do something soon :)