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Trump considering Amy Wax to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education

(03/27/18 4:15am)

Staffing shake-ups continue to rock Washington as President Trump is considering Penn Law professor and frequent purse-clutcher Amy Wax to replace Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, according to a source with ties to the presidential administration. DeVos has been on thin ice since her disastrous "60 Minutes" interview earlier this month, and Wax’s recent controversial remarks have placed her firmly on the radar of an administration that strives to pick the worst possible candidate for any given position.

Penn to Add Nate Silver to Ben on the Bench Following NCAA Optimism

(03/14/18 5:31am)

FiveThirtyEight founder and statistically-significant other of your dreams, Nate Silver, will be honored as a permanent fixture on campus following his site’s favorable analysis of Penn men’s basketball. The article, which claims that Penn is the best 16th seed in NCAA history, has electrified a community that very suddenly gives a shit about college basketball and has provoked the administration to take swift, congratulatory action.

OP-ED: I'm Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative, and a Bagel Purist

(11/08/17 5:13pm)

I’m tired of trying to hide who I am. The hyper-liberal pressure at Penn has created a political environment that’s incredibly toxic for people like me. To dissent is to risk social alienation and an entire college career of chalking my opinion on Locust. I’ve decided that my days of hiding my true political beliefs are through. 

Eight Gorgeous Orchards You Can Visit, Take a Picture, and Leave

(11/01/17 9:58pm)

Love cute profile pictures but despise nature? UTB sent its reporters across the Northeast to find the perfect orchards that you can visit and take a picture before immediately getting back into your roommates' Honda Accord and getting the hell out of there. Channel your faux-Thoreau and take a trip to these great locations!