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Hillary Clinton, speaking just now at her rally at Penn Park, shouted out "The Pennsylvanian" for their recent endorsement saying that "I needed to get there as soon as possible to say thank you." Either HRC doesn't know the proper name for The Daily Pennsylvanian or she has picked up some next-level shade (RIP Friday print) from Donald Trump. Either way, we appreciate the attempt at recognition.
UTB has one sworn enemy, aside from freshmen running for Class Board, and that enemy is mono. For the uninformed, mono (short for mononucleosis) is the most serious illness of our time and should have multiple GoFundMe campaigns trying to stop it.
If you attempted to burn down Mayer Hall, we think you'd be a perfect fit for Under the Button. We are still trying to finish Lorenzo's work, so if you are interested, apply here!
Under the Button is looking for writers, designers, social media folk, and video people. Under the Button breaks the biggest stories. We write the funniest, weirdest content. We create hilarious quizzes, lists, and videos. We aren't afraid to start controversy. We are Penn online. If you want to write weird, edgy, FUNNY, no–holds–barred journalism, Under the Button is the place for you.
Come by 4015 Walnut from 6:00 to 8:00 PM to learn more about Under the Button. We need talented writers, designers, and social media people–and we want to hire you. UTB is Penn’s most-read blog. We break the biggest stories, have the most fun, and know (or pretend to know) everything happening on campus. Under the Button IS Penn online. We are like a Canada Goose jacket turned into a website. We're here to tell you what's up, what's breaking, and make that Intro to Psych class a little better. See you tonight.
If finals weren't bad enough, filthy water is raining down on Harnwell residents. Six inches of water has flooded the 7th floor and has made its way down to the lobby. Apparently, Harnwell residents are being sent to hotels to avoid the disgusting water. You should pack an umbrella and bean boots if you plan to go there later. Happy finals!
There are 38 days till Spring Break! Are you going to PV, Paris, or your parent's basement? Either way, with no work right now, Sbreak feels right on the horizon. Except you have 18 midterms between now and then...So, to help pass those 5ish weeks, here is a perfectly regimented schedule to spend your time:
Kenny Jones, the Associate Director for Community Development for the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life, may have misrepresented his academic credentials and background after falsely stating he had a PhD, among other inconsistencies.
Happy club election week (or was that last week?)! Not only are you tired, cold, and angry, but you also have to run for Outreach Director for some club you will quit next spring. Get ready! Since everyone at Penn takes club elections more seriously than brain surgery, here are some tips to get elected to that dumb club position which will definitely impress that Bain recruiter.
This week is the worst. The food hangover from Thanksgiving has worn off and now only two weeks of finals lay ahead. It's cold, it's dark, and the lights on Locust Walk are low-key really gross. To try to survive this week, we suggest these events. However, we also recommend sleep, addy, and VP.
You survived Halloweekend (unless you ended up on this list). You finally managed to finish that paper due Wednesday. Now it's time to day-drink liters of Natty while pretending you understand football. Your expectations for your Homecoming Weekend might be high, but here is how you will likely be spending the weekend:
Penn has an endowment worth over $10 billion dollars and Amy Gutmann makes over $3.4 million dollars. That is so much cash!! You probably can't even conceptualize what that amount of $$ could buy. Luckily, we found Amy's shopping list. When Queen Amy isn't dropping stacks to maintain her title as Queen of the pant-suit game (sorry Hillary), she could/probably is buying these things:
Unless you are some freaky exhibitionist, having sex in a double is difficult. Your partner has to wait while your roommate awkwardly shuffles out and you confer with them when to come back, all the while drastically overestimating how long you will last in bed. However, for those enjoying the warm and solitary comfort of their hand, here are some great ideas on how to spend the time:
Still cuffed to your high school boo? Practice a more European style of hygiene? Afraid of people who aren’t your mother? If so, living in the small, brick prison cell of a Hill dorm with some rando from Bucks County is less than ideal. To subtly take over that extra 10 square feet of space, try out these moves:
Did you accomplish anything over fall break? Did you check out any beautiful Philly sites? If you didn't, and instead spent the past four days sleeping and watching Netflix, here are some events to pretend you have a busy schedule are not just waiting for the inevitable seven Halloween downtowns.
Things that are in: midterms, jaded freshman, sorority apple picking pictures, football gamez (upset of the century!!), counting down till Fall Break. Things that are out: The Pope, add period, Super Blood Moons, naive freshman, coasting through class. When you're not stressing this week, here are some cool events to check out:
After Starbucks changed their hours (where are we going to do work from 12:00-2:00 a.m.?), there has been an opening for a new coffee shop to take over. With Saxbys' new renovations, we might have found our next study spot.
honeygrow To Open By End Of August – Sweetgreen's newest competitor, honeygrow, will open at 3731 Walnut by the end of August. Skip Wawa and fulfill your NSO drunchies with overpriced, bougie DIY stir-fry!
Enjoy Restaurant Week but hate paying for cabs? Want to spend $35 (lol) at Tap House? Curious what 48 Street Grille is? Well then UC Dining Days might be for you.