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I (19 M) was hopping around a bit last weekend, function to function, you know how it is. The life of a super cool socially active Penn student isn’t easy, and sometimes being so in-demand by every fraternity gets exhausting. You may be wondering, “don’t all these parties get sort of repetitive?” And, let me tell you, they did, until last night.
i groweth melancholic, i beginneth to chant in rhyme
Do you remember Steve? Steve the guy with glasses and a Patagonia shirt and khaki pants and a smug grin on his face like he just snorted the HARDEST line before coming to TA CIS 160 class every Friday? Yeah, that Steve. Yeah I know he was soooooo smart. A little too smart. Like we get it. Like we get that you went to Andover and grew up in the Bay Area.
No, it’s not the Biolux™ Dentures – I’m smiling due to my joy!
This quiz will determine whether YOU get into heaven.
Ah, convocation. We all remember it, don’t we? The nostalgia of getting the e-vite that begins our careers at this wonderful university is a feeling that has loomed over every aging sell-out. What an absolute shame that the class of 2026 will not be experiencing said nostalgia, as the precious event they were totally underdressed for (I saw those pics y’all looked terrible) was rudely interrupted by individuals demanding the right to live.
As the Quad nears its renovation, Penn has faced a problem with finding student housing. With no nearby off campus apartment building available to rent, one choice became evident. As a result of these renovations, Penn has struck an unprecedented three-year deal with your parents to rent out their unfinished basement to house these displaced students.
You could totally pull it off.
This past Friday was like any other at the University of Pennsylvania, with frat parties raging all hours of the night across campus. As most Penn socialites downed mixed drinks, snorted coke off of their half-naked friends, and danced the night away, those attending a certain on-campus fraternity’s “Sip the Rainbow” party did nothing of the sort.
School is back in full swing, folks, and the return of fresh-faced students to our distinguished campus means the return of our heroic blackout response team, MERT. These sporty saviors in red have long been a staple at NSO, making themselves known at a variety of locations, such as the Upper Quad Gate, the Lower Quad Gate, and inside the Quad.
Picture this: you’re at a party. Any party. Perhaps you managed to stitch your eyelids open to brave the mission of staying awake for 57 straight hours, just to show face at that one on-campus fraternity’s late-night, or maybe you’re really close with the people on your floor, and your RA throws a social in her bite-sized dorm, and every hallmate shows up because that is the way of life at Hill College House. Either way, a couple mixed drinks and a humbling shot of Svedka later, you begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity.
Helppppuhh.
The University of Pennsylvania has begun a renovation of the Quadrangle that will take at least three years and as long as thirty, and it might not even happen. As a result, they will begin leasing the Radian next year as sophomore on campus housing, and you and I are on this cosmic journey together. A moment ago, we were freshmen, running naked around the quad, goo-goo and ga-gaing. Now we are upperclassmen, filled with envy and anger that decays the soul. All because we heard that the Radian is very nice, very fancy.
“He seemed like your run of the mill PPE major — but without the character flaws,” said CAS junior Maya Brown as she stared down at her Stommons cold brew.
So there’s this guy in my hall named Hans who is kind of like the picture of beauty. When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom’s.
Blasphemy! The illustrious coalition of LGBTQ+ individuals on campus, cared for by the Wharton School, has actually been a perpetrator of discrimination. But this is not an exposé. I write this because I acknowledge my privilege.
Nothing at the University of Pennsylvania is admired in quite the same fashion as the High Rises. They are spectacles of architectural wonder – filled to the brim with revolutionary concepts and groundbreaking technology.
In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.
The numbers are in, and they’re promising: Penn is doing more than the bare minimum for its minority communities.
Ugh, this is not sliving, Becky!