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Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck

(10/18/22 4:19pm)

Have you ever asked yourself: are the 2/10 ratings given by the doorkeepers to the girls in my friend group mere projections from the frat brothers? I know, I know… the idea that men with superiority complexes arbitrarily guarding the door to their bore of a party would project their insecurities onto beautiful women is unheard of, just let me theorize damnit.

BREAKING: Wharton First-Year Edges HOWWWW MANY PEOPLE???

(10/11/22 1:01pm)

The results of the Penn Student Government Elections for the Class Board of 2026 and Undergraduate Assembly—which were released late September—have caused quite the kerfuffle at the University of Pennsylvania. The electoral outcomes have left many astonished, jarred, and even ashamed to be a Quaker. The sacrilegious and intense extent that one candidate reached to secure their imaginary position has raised multiple questions and investigations regarding the ethical nature of the consensus.

Photo Essay: Why Don't You Care That We're In The Poconos?

(10/07/22 11:44pm)

As young, bright, svelte college students, we naturally made the trek to the Poconos for fall break. You might be thinking to yourself, why did I click on this “article”? Well, mayhaps you have the urge to live vicariously through two of Penn’s youngest, brightest, and sveltest minds. Please, follow us through our journey to what we like to call The Alps of Eastern Pennsylvania… or… The Poconos. 

Take Your Mind off of Academic Woes! Browse These Fall-Fun-Photos of Amy G’s Warm Toned Midcentury Princeton Home on Zillow

(10/18/22 4:14pm)

Nestled in the nice part of Princeton suburbs, Amy G’s 1.7 million dollar 5 bed 4 bath is the fall getaway you want to get lost in. Everything about this house says I was the longest serving president in Penn history. Doesn’t seeing the ice on her pool cover just make you want to head inside with a cup of hot apple cider and forget about your pending ECON midterm grade? 

Clueless Mom Fails to Comprehend That Glow Party Takes Precedent Over Home-Cooked Meal

(10/17/22 4:48pm)

BENSALEM, PA – Barbara White, mom of three and self-proclaimed “proud Penn parent”, was thoroughly disappointed last weekend when her eldest son Jake (C ‘26) no-showed their scheduled Saturday evening family dinner. The chicken was roasted, the pie was baked, the potatoes mashed, and the table set. The son, however, was hammered. 

Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes

(10/19/22 2:15pm)

A tragic scene will play out tonight at an off-campus frat house, as local brother Josh Williamson (Ψ ‘25) remains completely ignorant to the fact that his life satisfaction will peak at 2:23 am in a sweaty basement. Reports say that he’ll begin his night by getting excessively intoxicated, spending several hours jumping around to overplayed pop music. Several minutes before his peak, at 2:21, Williamson will meet his one and only soulmate, someone named Sophie or Samantha or Sandy or something like that (? ‘25). They’ll have the most amazing conversation that he’ll never forget before he proceeds to say something absolutely out-of-pocket in his drunken fugue, completely ruining his chances of ever getting with her.

OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek

(10/19/22 2:19pm)

I’ve been rather je ne sais pas as of late. Each morning, I find it hard to get out of my twin XL bed. I take the Rodin elevator at peak times just to feel something. One could say I’m in a rut. It’s rather hard to lead the life of a beautiful girl, let alone a Penn student. I go from class to class in a state of general disarray, feeling my sweet sweet life slip past me… 

What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?

(10/28/22 5:45pm)

We the California girls make you folks on the East Coast look like potatoes, or so this is what you say about us California girls. As a California girl, I feel so far superior to all of you Wawa-lovers that I can't even look at you to ascertain whether you do in fact resemble a potato. The term "Wawa-lovers" hints at the fact that our superiority comes from our superior diet. My superior diet consists mainly of açaí bowls, which are unfortunately, scant in these parts. I have exhausted Playa Bowls (which I frequent after running 9 miles before my 10:15 AM in McNeil) and SoBol which I joke is just "so-so." I often ponder whether my superior education in the state of Pennsylvania is worth the slight demotion of my diet from abundant, local (the block I live on) juice cleanses to the monotony of only two (2) açaí spots with only forty (40) options per menu. Beyond pondering, I am always hunting (not to be confused with big-game hunting, I am a vegan who eats eggs and fish) for a new açaí spot to diversify my pallet. That's why I was thrilled to find what Penn students refer to as "SAE."

I Seek Personal Validation by Making Eye Contact with Asian Parents Touring Campus

(10/10/22 1:21pm)

As I walk down Locust Walk, pretending I’m going to class, I see that there are multiple groups of what seems to be families touring campus. I make eye contact with a middle-aged asian couple, and their faithful son, presumably a high school junior. The parents' eyes and faces are expressionless, but I know what they are thinking: “if this bland Chinese boy can get into this school, then so can our son. He has no excuse.”