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Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

(10/12/22 2:25pm)

Do you remember Steve? Steve the guy with glasses and a Patagonia shirt and khaki pants and a smug grin on his face like he just snorted the HARDEST line before coming to TA CIS 160 class every Friday? Yeah, that Steve. Yeah I know he was soooooo smart. A little too smart. Like we get it. Like we get that you went to Andover and grew up in the Bay Area.

Authoritarian Tease? Penn Places Liens on Dorms of Students Involved in Convocation “Protest”

(10/10/22 1:26pm)

Ah, convocation. We all remember it, don’t we? The nostalgia of getting the e-vite that begins our careers at this wonderful university is a feeling that has loomed over every aging sell-out. What an absolute shame that the class of 2026 will not be experiencing said nostalgia, as the precious event they were totally underdressed for (I saw those pics y’all looked terrible) was rudely interrupted by individuals demanding the right to live.

Penn to Rent Your Parent’s Unfinished Basement for Student Housing During Upcoming Quad Renovations

(10/10/22 1:23pm)

As the Quad nears its renovation, Penn has faced a problem with finding student housing. With no nearby off campus apartment building available to rent, one choice became evident. As a result of these renovations, Penn has struck an unprecedented three-year deal with your parents to rent out their unfinished basement to house these displaced students. 

Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

(10/20/22 4:38pm)

This past Friday was like any other at the University of Pennsylvania, with frat parties raging all hours of the night across campus. As most Penn socialites downed mixed drinks, snorted coke off of their half-naked friends, and danced the night away, those attending a certain on-campus fraternity’s “Sip the Rainbow” party did nothing of the sort. 

Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

(10/02/22 7:01pm)

Picture this: you’re at a party. Any party. Perhaps you managed to stitch your eyelids open to brave the mission of staying awake for 57 straight hours, just to show face at that one on-campus fraternity’s late-night, or maybe you’re really close with the people on your floor, and your RA throws a social in her bite-sized dorm, and every hallmate shows up because that is the way of life at Hill College House. Either way, a couple mixed drinks and a humbling shot of Svedka later, you begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 

Penn Leasing the Radian Next Year? We Are All Just Dust on a Rock Floating in Space

(09/29/22 3:21pm)

The University of Pennsylvania has begun a renovation of the Quadrangle that will take at least three years and as long as thirty, and it might not even happen. As a result, they will begin leasing the Radian next year as sophomore on campus housing, and you and I are on this cosmic journey together. A moment ago, we were freshmen, running naked around the quad, goo-goo and ga-gaing. Now we are upperclassmen, filled with envy and anger that decays the soul. All because we heard that the Radian is very nice, very fancy. 

Wharton Announces New Minor in White-Collar Crime for Class of 2027

(09/30/22 10:00am)

In the University of Pennsylvania’s largest academic overhaul since its Department of Philosophy began offering the Navel Gazing and Intoxicated Debating concentrations in 2008, the Wharton School approved the creation of the WCC (White-Collar Crime) minor for interested undergraduates starting in the Fall 2023 semester.