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Wearing all black is not a symbol of mourning -- it’s about being a monk in the bohemian order. Not nihilistic, no, never that. Save me the lecture, just give me the banter! When you’re wearing black, you’re wearing everything.
Last week, the freshman class at Penn were given three days to select their residences for the 2023-24 school year. However, the medium for these selections, My Home At Penn, frequently stalled out and experienced other shortages during the time slots. It was previously thought that these technical difficulties came as a result of the thousands of students hoping to get “an 03 room on the Rodin top floors,” yet this was soon proven false. What was discovered in its place was a new culprit: a local militia trying to claim The Radian as their own.
I need an escape from the grind, and spring break has arrived as my savior. It will be a week of drinking and partying, one would think. However, I’m different. I’m different from the normal Cancún and Miami excursions. I’m different from the American neoliberal agenda. I’m going to Cabo for spring break in a woke, leftist way, and I’m going to make Papa Marx proud.
When I rushed sororities as a sophomore, I was ultimately looking for an answer to a question that I’ve had ever since arriving to Penn’s historic and highly ranked campus. That question was: “Where should I go with my life?”
Well, here we are. Coffee chatting. We’re chatting, we’re drinking coffee. We’re coffee chatting. The activity where we chat while we drink coffee. Hey, what’s your major again? Finance, wow. That’s a very nice major for us to discuss during our coffee chat (in which we chat and drink coffee simultaneously).
Soupe du jour? Friendship.
The waters don't really go by me
Sometimes, around three times each day, I feel so hungry that I prepare/purchase a meal to my liking. I’ve spent many years on this planet, and many of these years were spent consuming sub-par food. Not anymore. This year, I’ve started eating a diet of only truly delicious foods and I’ve never felt better. I hope you enjoy this tour and eat something really truly delicious, like banana bread or green grapes Buckle up and let's discover some great foods together...
Formal sorority rush officially drew to a close last month with an epic Canada Goose-sponsored bid day celebration at Franklin Field. While some girls ended up in the sorority of their dreams, others ended up in the CAPS lobby.
Woah, slow down chief. Who does this guy think he is?! This student just posted something on Sidechat that isn’t completely miserable.
Greetings, fellow students. Or as I’ll soon be calling you, fellow COMRADES. “Comrades? Why is he calling us comrades? Isn’t that a Communist title reserved for citizens of the People's Republic of China from 1949-1978? He must be exaggerating.” No, I’m not exaggerating. Not in the slightest. Right before our very eyes, Xi JiMagill is giving Penn red an entirely new meaning.
Students asked, and Penn answered! “Natty Light” is now available at 1920 Commons, Hill, and the Houston Market Meal Exchange starting this coming Monday. Penn Dining has been consistently improving their plentiful options for the new semester. First came the additional smoothies at 1920 Commons and Hill breakfast to help more people start their day on the right note; however, many students felt that this left other parts of the typical school day neglected. Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn’s finest dining establishments. This new addition primarily helps students persevere later into their days and nights when pure coffee doesn’t suffice. Whether they’re doing tedious Writing Seminar work, sitting through hours of CIS office hour lines, or going to a GBM they’re definitely excited for, students have been making quick work of the added refreshments. We polled real Quakers on how they feel about this new component to their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. “Finally, I can sit through my 8:30 [AM] BEPP 1000 recitation!” stated one Wharton student approvingly. “I would prefer Pike’s mystery vodka, but this also gets the job done,” lamented one freshman. With students’ approval, hopefully Penn Dining continues catering towards the needs of its customer base. As they embark on this path, there’s no doubt that a more fulfilled student body is to come; data indicates that pisses taken on the Benjamin statue have already increased by 30%!
My hands are sweating. I’m Usain Bolt in the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
skdfksdfjsdj Penn Engineers are having more sex than everyone.
Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.
It’s been days since the weekend ended, but all of my friends are still talking about the “super bowl” from Sunday. I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. It was packed nicely if I do say so myself, but I don’t think that puts it into ‘super’ territory.
Everyday I wrestle with my boyfriend’s conviction to wake up at 6 a.m. and workout. I wake up at 7:30 a.m. and sit in solemn silence, staring out my window from the 22nd floor of Harnwell. I pick up my phone to a beautiful assortment of texts from him. A multitude of thoughts, including “drafts” of “satire headlines”. I shudder, yet feel the kindness.
Another day, another mountain to climb. Another lecture, another boulder to roll up the metaphorical hill of canvas. Another day, another lunch hour.
Come one come all, the most anticipated event of this academic school year is here at last. Now, any individuals –regardless of Semitic origin – are offered a FREE chance to convert to the holiest of religions: Islam. Yup, heard that right, for absolutely zero cost and with the swipe of your Penn card, you can now simply enter the Daily Pennsylvanian’s office and be met with firm believers of Avraham Avinu (אברהם אבינו) and his wife (I don’t remember her name whatever let's move on).
In the bottom of a well-frequented building lives one man’s little kingdom. He possesses great riches, but whence they come few know. There, he treats his children well.