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Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program

(02/27/23 5:40pm)

Students asked, and Penn answered! “Natty Light” is now available at 1920 Commons, Hill, and the Houston Market Meal Exchange starting this coming Monday. Penn Dining has been consistently improving their plentiful options for the new semester. First came the additional smoothies at 1920 Commons and Hill breakfast to help more people start their day on the right note; however, many students felt that this left other parts of the typical school day neglected. Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn’s finest dining establishments. This new addition primarily helps students persevere later into their days and nights when pure coffee doesn’t suffice. Whether they’re doing tedious Writing Seminar work, sitting through hours of CIS office hour lines, or going to a GBM they’re definitely excited for, students have been making quick work of the added refreshments. We polled real Quakers on how they feel about this new component to their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. “Finally, I can sit through my 8:30 [AM] BEPP 1000 recitation!” stated one Wharton student approvingly. “I would prefer Pike’s mystery vodka, but this also gets the job done,” lamented one freshman. With students’ approval, hopefully Penn Dining continues catering towards the needs of its customer base. As they embark on this path, there’s no doubt that a more fulfilled student body is to come; data indicates that pisses taken on the Benjamin statue have already increased by 30%!

Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again

(02/17/23 5:55pm)

Everyday I wrestle with my boyfriend’s conviction to wake up at 6 a.m. and workout. I wake up at 7:30 a.m. and sit in solemn silence, staring out my window from the 22nd floor of Harnwell. I pick up my phone to a beautiful assortment of texts from him. A multitude of thoughts, including “drafts” of “satire headlines”. I shudder, yet feel the kindness.

Shalom! UTB Now Hosting Conversion to Islam At The Daily Pennsylvanian Office

(02/14/23 3:40am)

Come one come all, the most anticipated event of this academic school year is here at last. Now, any individuals –regardless of Semitic origin – are offered a FREE chance to convert to the holiest of religions: Islam. Yup, heard that right, for absolutely zero cost and with the swipe of your Penn card, you can now simply enter the Daily Pennsylvanian’s office and be met with firm believers of Avraham Avinu (אברהם אבינו) and his wife (I don’t remember her name whatever let's move on).

Limited Time Offer: Penn Closet To Sell Halal Meat Flavored Perfume

(02/14/23 3:41am)

My favorite part of thrifting other than buying kids shirts, dressing poor, and reselling everything I find to turn a profit is the smell. Have you ever heard the saying, “It smells like teen spirit?” You probably haven’t, it’s part of the aesthetic. Well anyway, when I walk into the thrift, it smells like cold, hard spirit. I pull out my pocket amethyst and I let it absorb the energy. My amethyst usually senses rotting white people and soiled underwear. Weird? Or cool!

Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?

(02/16/23 6:15am)

Penn Carey Law School Professor Amy Wax’s xenophobia, racism, bigotry, scientific racism, eugenic beliefs, anti-immigrant rhetoric, and probably, hatred of every minority or source of diversity have taken the world by storm. Penn, not so liberal after all huh? Penn has never had a single community member like this, ever, right? Wax is a racist and I don’t want her as my law professor, even though I am not a law student. Impeach! Fire! Lay off! Terminate! Dare I say…deport…

Stupid Bitch! Rushing as a Sophomore Is Actually Super Fun and Will Not Make You Feel Lonely and Left Out!

(02/16/23 6:22am)

It's February, which means sorority rush season has come to a close. With that comes a year of angst and uncertainty for freshman girls who are following their mom's advice and "feeling school out before making a commitment." There are a myriad of questions that come with the wait until the next recruitment cycle, namely, what will it be like rushing as a sophomore? UTB talks with various members of greek life to get their take.

Faking Interest, Der Dritte

(02/09/23 7:53pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!