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University Admits "Hybrid Experience" a Typo, Should Have Been "Online"

(07/24/20 1:45pm)

Looking around on Penn in Touch, where many professors are posting a course prospectus explaining the course format this fall, I couldn't help but notice that the in-person classes that were going to make up the "hybrid" experience are surprisingly missing! But surely a hybrid experience must be a mix of online and in-person, as the name would suggest. 





After Trending #Disneyisoverparty Hashtag, Twitter Successfully Cancels Disney

(07/11/20 1:23pm)

Everyone on Twitter knows about the frequent #(something)isoverparty hashtags. People tweet for a few hours or so, then the hashtag runs out of steam and fizzles out, then the next #(something)isoverparty starts trending. However, for the first time in history, one of these hashtags actually worked and thousands of ordinary people have finally got the change they deserve. 


After News of Princeton's Fall Plan, Students Glad They Were Rejected From Princeton

(07/08/20 5:45pm)

Princeton recently announced that they will allow two classes on campus each semester. Freshmen and juniors will be allowed back on campus this fall, while sophomores and seniors will be allowed back in the spring. Although many fall plan announcements have led to students' concern, disappointment, and frustration, Princeton's new plan has sparked joy for many Penn students.


Happy Inde-BEN-dance Day! Here's what Ben Would Have Written in the Declaration

(07/05/20 5:36pm)

It's common knowledge that Ben Franklin wasn't allowed to write the Declaration of Independence because the founding fathers feared he would put a joke in it. Perhaps to an even greater extent than Alexander Hamilton, Ben certainly had undeniable "skill with the quill". As Penn students, we have some informed hypotheses for what that unrealized joke may have been.



Gutmann Hides 10 Golden Tickets in Penn Sweatshirts to Determine Lucky Few Getting Housing

(06/28/20 1:47pm)

Penn's recently announced that no one will have a roommate come fall, a plan that has left many students concerned about their housing for next year. Fortunately, Gutmann has created a special contest to guarantee housing to 10 special students. "I've hidden golden tickets in the front pocket of 10 Penn sweatshirts in the school bookstore. The students who find the golden tickets will have secure student housing, so go nuts and buy from the Penn bookstore!" wrote Gutmann in an email to the student body.



BREAKING: Dean Furda Has ALREADY Removed Penn From Linkedin

(06/21/20 4:00am)

As I was scrolling through Linkedin, I stumbled upon a handsome Eric J. Furda only to find that at first glance, his profile shows no connection to Penn. Confused to find that the rigid jawline and picture-perfect smile I've come to know so well could betray the Red and Blue so easily, I kept scrolling down to the "About" section. I thought that surely Furda, a man who went to our school and has worked there for years would at the least give Amy Gutmann a shoutout, but no. Not only that, but who did he shout out? COLUMBIA.


Gays Move to Now-Accepting Texas After Supreme Court Ruling

(06/17/20 3:29pm)

After the latest SCOTUS announcement, which stated that firing people based on their sexual orientation is illegal, the gays have announced that they are moving to The Lone Star State! Eager to explore The South, an area that has been historically homophobic, the gays have packed up their Subarus and are u-hauling it to the formerly forbidden region. 


BREAKING: Local Botanical Gardens Wants You to Know They're Against Racism

(06/14/20 3:10pm)

"At its core, Ur Local Conservatory and Botanical Gardens’ mission is to improve quality of life and connect with the community — elderly women, garden geeks, and the occasional school field trip. As part of that mission, we are supporting the resolution declaring racism a public health crisis," read a recent notice on the website of Ur Local Conservatory and Botanical Gardens, a place few people have willingly visited — especially on Mother's Day — in recent years. 






Mr. Clean to Step up as University Co-President

(05/24/20 4:00am)

In a private interview with Penn’s favorite publication (Under the Button), Amy Gutmann announced some exciting news: none other than Mr. Clean will be stepping up as Gutmann’s Co-President this upcoming semester. “Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this pandemic very seriously, but we also want to open because we are, um, ah, committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall,” informed Gutmann blushing. “If he ever needs help, or gets lost on campus, or needs a back massage, or anything really, I’ll be sure to help.”  


Virtual Commencement Concludes With Redirect to Alumni Giving Page

(05/18/20 5:30am)

“Although we are apart, we celebrate virtually with you as you transition from Penn students to Penn alumni,” University President Amy Gutmann concluded the class of 2020 virtual commencement ceremony. As parents and grandparents huddled around computer screens wiped tears from their faces and proudly looked over at their new Penn graduates, the screens flashed suddenly. Penn’s latest alumni checked their devices to find the commencement ceremony had redirected to The Penn Fund website. 


Student Found Hiding out in Gregory College House!

(05/12/20 5:00pm)

When Penn Security, suited up in full-body hazmat suits, went to retrieve Amanda Jennings' (C' 23) essential items from her room, they were alarmed to hear music coming from a room down the hall. The 4th floor of Gregory College House, which is basically deserted even when school is in session, was supposed to have been evacuated months ago due to the COVID-19 pandemic.





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