Cool, This Dude Leaned So Far Back In His Chair That He’s Basically In My Lap
(11/04/18 8:16pm)
Um, excuse me. Can I help you? What are you doing? You know there’s other people in this class, right?
Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
Um, excuse me. Can I help you? What are you doing? You know there’s other people in this class, right?
Number 1
Wow, big flex much? This dude Mark J. Rowan donated the biggest single donation to Wharton in the history of the school, at a quantity of $50 million. To put that into context, the donation was more than Amy Gutmann makes in a whole month. So, yeah, it’s a big deal.
Now that it’s October, Halloween is probably the only thing anyone is thinking about. Besides the pressure to find a costume that is both funny and slutty, there’s the importance of having a good group costume. Haley Zhou’s (W ‘22) freshman hall has been brainstorming ideas for a group costume since day one, so she’s confident that it’s gonna look great. The only problem is, Haley isn’t really feeling the group anymore. Sure, they were great to hang with during NSO and go to the dining hall with in the first few weeks of school, but now she has real friends to do those things with.
“Wow, thank goodness for that task force,” is probably something most Penn students are used to saying all the time. From recommending event observers to insinuating that reducing alcohol consumption will stop sexual assault, Penn’s task force has really gotten the job done. And now, they've done it again.
Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.
Newsflash, my dudes! Men’s rights are finally being brought to the table at Penn. After years of the powerful and exclusive Woman’s Club dominating the scene, men are rising up from the ashes to put the (M)enn back in Penn. You heard us ladies: your estrogen party is officially OVER. Say goodbye to public spaces that are dominated by women’s paraphernalia and hello to graffiti dicks on every flat surface around campus. Because at long last, the Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major at Penn has been joined by its partner, Penn Men’s Studies (PMS).
Good fucking save bro. Anonymous sophomore Jack M* (name changed), a brother in Beta Omega Iota Zeta Fraternity (BOIZ) almost made a real blunder. After telling his brothers that he was going to the gym, Jack was seen by an informant at the Art Museum looking at Renaissance paintings. He had to think fast to come up with an appropriate explanation that wouldn’t make him look “weak” or “sensitive.” Quick on his feet, Jack came up with the perfect thing—he told his brothers that he just likes looking at the naked pics!
So you moved in about three weeks ago, and it has been a whirlwind. After meeting your roommate, hanging out a ton with them during NSO, and then completely ditching them when you made your real friends, you’re beginning to notice some weird things they do. After speaking with several Penn scientists and psychopaths we know personally, we’ve compiled a list of five foolproof ways to tell if your roommate is a psychopath.
Did Vineyard Vines run out of salmon colored shorts? No! This libertarian just wanted to swim against the current for a change. Michael Hansel (C ‘22) was a trout in a sea of salmon last Tuesday, a bold choice at such a critical time of year.
Have you ever found yourself wishing that college wasn’t so expensive? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I don’t even know what half of my organs are for?" Well, if you happen to have done both of those things, you're in luck! Organic Education is offering college students the deal of a lifetime—they will pay for your college education in exchange for just your organs.
As the summer comes to an end, I’m left thinking about all the classes I have left to take before I graduate. It’s an overwhelming number, really, and it bums me out that I spent the whole summer working as a lifeguard after only getting an offer from Apple, when I could have been using that time doing something more productive. If only it were possible to take classes at Penn during the summer…
It’s that time of year when Penn students are just getting settled in at their summer jobs. But settling in can lead to getting too comfortable, which could lead to your coworkers hating you. Take this quiz to stay ahead of the curve and find out if your coworkers think you’re a real dick.
It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.
At the start of every class, Professor Rosenberg adjusts the microphone on the podium at the front of the classroom. He taps on it twice to get the students’ attention, and then begins his lecture.
Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.
I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural. Friday and Saturday were sunny with temperatures reaching the 80’s, smack in the middle of disgusting weather the Thursday before and the Sunday after. And since Obama is no longer the president, we know that the government has stopped spending money trying to simulate “global warming” — so this weekend must have been au naturale. That is, unless Amy G pulled some strings and did some persuading (see: money).
College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. Luckily, Clark found a way to keep her research position and still get away from Penn’s toxic environment.
We at Under the Button recently decided to investigate Penn's campus tours: what are tour guides blatantly not telling prospective students? In order to discover the truth, we went undercover as high schoolers on a campus tour. And we found out that the information missing was, to be frank, astonishing. Here’s some things that our tour guide *conveniently* forgot to mention:
It was last February—I was just a little freshman, but I already had an entrepreneurial spirit to rival Steve Jobs. I was shopping in CVS with a friend when a brilliant idea came to me.