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Look, I’m not fucking my professor. I never have and never will have any interest in fucking my professor. But I think it should be allowed if I wanted to.
Wow, that’s gotta hurt. Zach Kaufmann (C '20) is celebrating Passover this week, but he isn’t passing any of his classes. Talk about irony!
ATTENTION! You will not get a better deal than this! I will be in New York City this summer pursuing my dream of becoming incredibly wealthy, so I’m subletting my apartment for the CHEAPEST PRICE EVER. You can live there for free as long as you water my plant. It’s a succulent, so like, you don’t even need to water it that often. There are a few specifications though:
Penn's president is in hot water today after a series of tapes surfaced suggesting a conflict between the president and dean of admissions.
Another year, another Ivy Decision Day, another glimmer of hope, and another inevitable letdown. Adrian Guster (C ‘18) is looking forward to his fifth Ivy Decision Day since he applied to his dream school, Princeton University. After settling for his second choice at Penn, Adrian was never able to fully let go. He still sleeps in his Princeton shirt every night of March in preparation for decision release day, but this year will likely be the last time.
After a decision that some letters should never be used twice in a row, the administration has created a new task force to crack down on Juuling around Penn’s campus.
Okay listen up, you circle-crazed buffoons. You ever been on 38th Street bridge? If you have, you’ve probably noticed that that shit ain't flat. It’s fucking slanted as all hell. The angle on that thing has gotta be like 70 degrees, minimum.
There’s always a lull after a major sports event like the Olympics: the athletes have all gone home, and the ability to procrastinate by “supporting your country” is over. So, many students are looking ahead to the next big sports event.
“See you in a week!” you called out to your roommates as you rolled your suitcase out the door on the Thursday before spring break. Those suckers had no idea that this was the last time they’d ever see you. Because you were never coming back from break.
It’s just straight dumb.
The brothers of Rho Iota Chi (RICH) were running out of themes. They could only throw so many parties with a jungle theme, and their Frat themed frat party was not a hit. Some of their more ambitious themes had not worked out either, due to the general lack of artistic talent and motivation among the brothers—their Valentine’s Day party featured poorly cut out hearts hung with floss from the ceiling, which made for a fairly depressing atmosphere.
It’s times like these when we remember that there is still good in the world. Amidst all the war, destruction, and failed relationships, it’s hard to find a glimpse of hope to get you through the week - or the day even! But when a person shows such incredible perseverance as Grant Friedman (EW ‘20), it reminds us that anything can happen if you try, try, try again.
We’ve all been there. You get turned down for a Valentine’s date, but the explanation is a little hard to decipher. Maybe Jessica really is allergic to nighttime, or maybe she just doesn’t see you as more than a friend. This quiz will help you figure out for sure if your crush really has a midterm at 8pm on Valentine’s Day, or if they’re just not into you.
In a stunning turn of events last week, the Penn Administration went against expert advice and released a confidential memo to the public. The contents of the memo included rare, never-before-seen information. Before the memo was released, no one outside of the Penn administration knew what it contained. Now, everyone is free to read the memo and all of the juicy details inside.
Oh, hi! Didn't see you there—oh, you’re Rachel’s RA? Cool, cool, cool...Yeah, man, I’m just decorating her room for Big/Little week.
Adding on to a deplorable line of powerful and wealthy men, Penn Board of Trustees member Stephen Wynn was accused of sexual misconduct by dozens of women last week. Though the sheer quantity of similar allegations has made each one less surprising for many Americans, some people with ties to the University of Pennsylvania found the Wynn allegations particularly reprehensible. In fact, earlier today, the Board announced that they would be revoking Wynn's honorary degree and renaming Wynn Commons.
A recent study conducted at Cornell University found that students who are prohibited from using their laptops during recitation sessions are 75% more likely to zone out rather than surfing the web. In contrast to the previous assumption, banning laptops in recitations does not encourage students to pay more attention, but does encourage what researchers are formally calling “mind wandering.” We spoke with one of the research assistants on the project about this new term.
Professor Jacob Johnson made a bold claim to a group of colleagues this that his lectures have the highest attendance ever. Despite significant evidence to the contrary, the Professor seemed quite convinced upon speaking with us.
In a stunning declaration to all of his 17 twitter followers, Ethan Kroove (E ‘19) announced today that his peak efficiency is between like 1:30 AM and, like, 1:35 AM. This sliver of time finds Kroove fully focused and getting shit done like no other time of day. And while some of his professors have warned him not to wait until the night before to complete an assignment, Kroove just has to wait until 1:30 AM and everything suddenly makes sense. “It’s like, I don’t even need Adderall because I’m so in the zone,” he told us.
December 3