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Stevie Schwartz (C ’20) had a lot on her plate. Between studying for her Survey of the Universe exam and writing a three-page essay for her gender studies class, she was stressed like no Penn student has been before. That stress could not compare to the feeling that she got when, sitting in a public third floor study room, she got a taste of the bitter dregs of an empty Juul pod.
It’s a universally accepted truth that the best case scenario of getting an Ivy League degree is finding a partner who will make enough money to support both of you for the rest of your lives. With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future? Take this quiz to find out if your man has a future or if he’s going to die tomorrow.
As dawn breaks then slowly creeps to 2 p.m., high-functioning alcoholics and stoners across campus wake up with the same thought: “What the hell did I do last night?” Fortunately, many students are beginning to record their inebriated thoughts in their iPhone to preserve the memories. Unfortunately, none of these notes make any sense.
The illustrious fraternity of Beta Gamma Epsilon, whose walls boast two whole black guys and one brother who might be gay but is afraid to say anything, has taken a huge step forward for women’s rights today when they decided to no longer play "Ignition (Remix)" at their parties. That’s right, folks. No longer will you be forced to listen to the smooth tunes of R. Kelly while drinking a questionable beverage known only as “jungle juice.”
Lindsey Holmes (C’21) may seem just like any other student, but there is something very special about her. When Lindsey sits at her impossibly small desk during lectures, her desk is not covered by just her laptop in a precarious position. When Lindsey sits at her impossibly small desk, her laptop is surrounded by not one, not two, but three beverages. That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. How does she do it?
As I think deeply about myself and how my job may come to define who I am, I know one thing for sure: I want to give back to those less fortunate. I mean, I would be down to sell out and spend the rest of my life completely ignoring them, but jobs like that are all really hard to get. I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it, so I’ll settle for helping them if it means I can get hired somewhere.
A new study from Penn Undergraduate Research Center has confirmed that students’ stress and anxiety levels are increasing exponentially as final exams approach. Although there were no actual participants in this study, PURC confirms that they’re probably right. The real question is how students can cope with this anxiety. Favorite options include trichotillomania, late-night binges, and constant masturbation. However, one form of stress relief has not gotten nearly enough attention. Rather than pulling out hair or chubbing up (in more ways than one), all you need to do is pop your pimples.
Hey, guys. It’s your pal Claudia again. I know everyone at this school has been closely following me on my quest to find a job with little to no practical skills or credentials, and you might be surprised to know that, three whole weeks into my search, I still haven’t found that elusive dream job that I am completely under-qualified for. But don’t cry for me, Philadelphia, because I haven’t given up yet. Deep in my heart, I know that I’m going to get a good job with all the benefits I need, like being able to tell my mom I have a job.
I know that just the title of this article fills 95% of Penn students with crushing envy that will eventually lead to my demise at the hands of my peers, but look at it like this: Bain interviews are one of the most stressful hours you will ever spend, and this hot tip is going to help you ace the interview. See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that. No, their question cut straight to my core and challenged all of the values that I once held dear.
Long ago, in a simpler time known only as the Obama Years, I was granted admission to the University of Pennsylvania (regular decision, so suck on those nuts, E.D. kids). We keep hearing more and more facts and figures about how Penn is becoming more competitive to get into — as if in some desperate attempt to humble me. I’m here to say that I got into Penn once, and I could do it again. If I wanted to.
How many times a day do you shit? What color are they? How cohesive are they? If your answers after every meal isn't dark brown with a greenish hue and like a log, then you probably don’t shop at Trader Joe’s. I shop at Trader Joe’s, and I think everyone should know that my shits are probably better than yours are.
When we were in high school, senior spring was a magical time full of no work and no rules. It was a time to proudly wear our University of Pennsylvania Class of 2019 shirts and start skipping first and second period every Friday (as well as every gym class). Entering senior spring of college, many students expected the same level of relaxation. Unfortunately, a new study from Penn Undergraduate Research Center has suggested a very high correlation between students who want to slack off for all of senior spring and students who don’t yet have jobs.
The semester may feels like it’s been dragging on forever, but look on the bright side: by the time you’re able to drag your average back up to an A, it will be long over. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.
This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day. This year, their salvation has arrived, and it looks a lot like Dan from Gossip Girl.
Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.
For those who aren’t already aware, I’m more than three-quarters of the way through my college degree, and everyone knows that second semester senior year is just the formal way of saying “coasting.” Do I have a job yet? No shot. How many interviews do I have lined up for the next few weeks? Zilch. Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!
The beginning of January is one of the three times in the year (besides the first week of school and the last week before spring break) when the regular patrons of Pottruck are forced to wait for their turn to use the machines until after the New Year Resolution (NYR) crowd has finished up. Fortunately for regular gym goers, no one in the illustrious history of Pottruck has ever kept up a resolution for more than a month.
College sophomore Peter Brown was feeling beaten down, insecure, and bitter. He and his three best friends had selected a lovely little house together on 41st and Locust with hardwood floors and a kitchen to die for, but Brown never anticipated the reality of what it would be like to live with them.
Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat, and they can be yours for the low price of all study materials you’ve accumulated since August.
Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one. It has two stalls, but the stall on the left is almost always clogged. I bet it’s not even clogged and just looks like it’s out of commission because all these Earth Science and Geology majors don’t want to waste water by flushing. You guys feel me, right? This is fun and relatable for everyone to read?