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Parting is such sweet sorrow! Having fulfilled his solemn duty, Alex from Penn Dems voluntarily re-entered his personalized, hermetically-sealed cryo-chamber, where he will lie in wait for the next US election. Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.
Fearing capture by the likes of Thad, you hop into a nearby bush.
Thinking quickly, you step behind a tree to avoid capture.
You decide to take a short-cut through the school courtyard rather than attempt to squeeze under Thad's bulging quads. The healing melodies of "How to Save a Life" playing over-and-over in your head, you promptly turn around and sprint outside.
You spill everything about your life to Ralph. Yes, everything. You let him know about all of the bullying, the piles of school work, and the insurmountable stress that have come to dominate your existence at Glendale High.
Congratulations: Ralph buys your lie!
You attempt to give an excuse as to why your face is the same color as an overripe tomato, but to no avail!
You decide to make your way toward the practice rooms, but before you can even take a step, a trendy-looking man in his late 20s slides in front of you.
Ah, the band room! A paradise for total losers, utter rejects, and extremely talented musicians. It's an arcane place where people like Thad have no power. In fact, if you can do more than 10 push-ups in a row, they won't even let you inside.
Oh yeah, meatloaf time, baby! You hastilty reach into your bag and grab a handful of the meatloaf you saved from lunch. Carefully shaping it into a ball so as to maximize its aerodynamic properties, you hurl the malodorous conglomerate at Thad's feet. Will he take the bait?
You frantically dig around in your satchel and recover a Bakugan from the collection you bring around with you everywhere you go.
You drop to the floor, and deftly navigate through Thad's chiseled legs. You hop back onto your feet, and begin running down the hallway. You are so close to hearing Isaac Slade's angelic crooning in your head set, and not a moment too late!
The year is 2016, and it’s been another crummy day at Glendale High School.
Do you miss campus? Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.
Bayless alert! Last Tuesday morning, celebrity restaurateur Rick Bayless was spotted slinking around campus, ducking behind road signs and hiding in trash cans to avoid detection by the public.
Suspicions confirmed! In a new report, Penn researchers have concluded that Zoom breakout rooms are indeed quieter than the boundless, empty vacuum of space.
What a show of humility! Just before switching his laptop camera on for ethics class, Gerald Larue (W ‘22) ran from his bedroom to the only corner of the house not lined with Greek and Roman portraiture.
Gaming win! In a show of unity, Donald Trump and Joe Biden have both come out and endorsed Bulbasaur as Pokémon supreme. This stunning revelation occurred after Chris Wallace finally posed the question on everyone’s minds:
Ah, what a wonderful autumn morning! You’ve woken up, eaten a hearty breakfast, and walked out the door ready to conquer the day. There’s nothing that could possibly ruin this amazing… oh, wait a minute. Fiddlesticks.
Fries, anyone? Last weekend, the thin line between reality and simulation was blurred once again by “Virtual Snacks with the Dean.” Typically held in-person, the special online version of the event invites students to a demonic, digital hellscape (created by Dean Sniegowski) where they can enjoy pixelated snacks and chat with the one and only (Dean Sniegowski).