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Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

(09/19/18 8:45am)

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.



Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

(09/12/18 11:23am)

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruiting." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).






Intern From Ivy League University Holds Most Expensive Qualifications to Print and File Papers

(07/10/18 4:31pm)

Albert Liu (E '20) was excited to spend his summer finally putting his academic work to proper use. Liu, who studies Systems Engineering, Cognitive Science, and Theoretical Physics, spent a great deal of time and money on his classes, and was hopeful to see these efforts manifest in a meaningful internship.







Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs

(06/14/18 4:20am)

Penn alum Donald J. Trump (W '68) has clearly had enough with the infestation of Canadians at his alma matter. Earlier this week, the President took harsh measures to prevent more Canadians from entering the university, imposing strict tariffs on the trade of metals, natural resources, and of course, annoying Canadian students. 





Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy

(04/22/18 3:15pm)

The former Undergraduate Chair of the Anthropology Department, James Waters, inspired his students and encouraged them to follow their passions, according to three sources close to students enrolled in Waters' classes. Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited.







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