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Guy Who Sits in Corner of Class Knows Way Too Much About Nazi Party in WWII

(12/10/18 6:02am)

Members of the Seminar on 20th century European History of Warfare are usually fairly subdued – after all, this is one of the few classes on course review with a negative difficulty rating. Thus, it came as a bit of a surprise to the other members of the class when one of them seemed a bit too invested in a key component of the source material – the Nazi Party in WWII.







Passive Aggressive? Student Throws Away Roommate's Belongings as Part of Weekly Trash Run

(11/16/18 10:46pm)

Gentle pranks, kind-hearted jabs, and the occasional backstabbing is all considered par-for-the-course when it comes to living with a complete stranger in smaller quarters than a Tupperware container. But for this freshman, the usual callous disregard from his roommate escalated far beyond the normal hazing. 




Stain on Quad Floor Is Not the Usual Blood of the Innocent, Is Actually Vomit

(11/20/18 6:02pm)

On an average Tuesday night in Goldberg Lounge in Fisher Hassenfeld, the hall floor is usually covered in a fine layer of salt, with the occasional splashes of crimson from whoever is chosen to be the surface for the weekly ritual. Residents can be found throughout the night using the common area for their Satanic projects, and joining together with others in the house for a night of unholy fun with the damned souls of the dead. 


OP-ED: I am Short and Pret Scares Me

(11/07/18 11:47pm)

Ah—to be tall. To be able to reach things on shelves without throwing out your shoulder and collapsing your mold covered Quad closet. To be able to get from the DRL to Huntsman in ten minutes without coming into class needing an oxygen tank. The privileges of height are many, and nowhere do we see these benefits than in the hellish rush for food that is Pret-a-Manger at class breaks. 


Gutmann Denies Existence of Mold, Quad, Entire Freshman Class in Explosive Press Statement

(10/24/18 10:19pm)

As the mold in the Quad grows by the day and students are forced to relocate to the Inn at Penn, the student body has been looking for some guidance. Today, that guidance came from the President, Amy Gutmann, who called a press conference on the topic of the mold. In the crowd of around 30, filled with local reporters and people who walked over to see if there would be free food, everyone was looking for a plan of action from the head of the University.


Review: 5 Best Places to Cry in the Quad When the Looming Existential Dread and Cocaine Hit at the Same Time

(10/27/18 5:43pm)

The weekend is in full swing. You’ve been partying since Thursday (because who needs a liver or a passing grade in Econ?) and you’re heading back to the Quad, the fortress that is always freezing cold and burning hot at the same time. Unfortunately, you left your PennCard at the party, somewhere between the drunk guy on the floor and the ten lines of cocaine you finished the night with. So now, you’ve got to find somewhere else to have your weekend cry at! 


Freshman Who Has Kept Busy Workload 'Totally Under Control' Unaware that Laundry has Overflowed, Caught on Fire

(11/10/18 7:28pm)

Freshman Tanner Johnson (W '22) knew that when he came to Penn, the workload would be difficult. He planned for it, creating color-coded charts for classes, studying, partying, drinking, more drinking, being MERTed, church, one carefully penciled-in cocaine binge per week, and a one-hour block on Wednesday afternoons for his weekly mental breakdown, followed by Parcheesi.






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