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Female Students' Email Chain Contains Record High Numbers of "Thank You"s and "Sorry"s

(10/25/17 8:18am)

It was discovered that a recent email chain between two female students contains the phrases "thank you" and "sorry" a startlingly large number of times.  Each perpetrator used "thank you," "thanks," or some other variation of the expression no less than 20 times throughout the entire email chain.  The same is true of the phrase "sorry."

Five Bad Movies To See Over Fall Break Instead of Finally Watching Moonlight

(10/05/17 5:03pm)

Have you been "meaning to watch" Moonlight for the twelve months since it premiered but somehow haven't gotten around to it? Same!  Here are five bad films you can fill your free time with this fall break, so you can continue to postpone watching Barry Jenkins' groundbreaking, critically-acclaimed story of self discovery.

Freshman Can Explain Relativity Theory, but Can't Think of Fun Fact During Class Introductions

(09/06/17 3:33pm)

College Freshman Ben Walker was unable to think of an interesting fact about himself during his first Physics 150 class introductions. This momentary inability to participate lays in sharp contrast to his behavior during the rest of the class. At almost any other moment during this inaugural Physics 150 class, Walker could be heard explaining relativity theory. 

Backpack Policy Confirms That Fisher Fine Arts Cares More About Its Appearance Than Its Books

(03/23/17 8:34pm)

Like the Penn students that study there, Fisher Fine Arts cares more about its appearance than what's inside. Its backpack-checking policy, which requires a security guard to check students' backpacks for snacks and other highly illicit items as they enter, reveals what this library really cares about: its beautiful interior.  They might as well place a sign by the entrance that says, "Stealing books is welcome here, but your granola bar isn't."

Now That Break Is Over, the Next Thing This Senior Has to Look Forward to Is Retirement

(03/16/17 6:43pm)

Senior Mark Goldberg (W'17) has been to PV for the fourth time, and experts estimate that he has another 45 years of monotony ahead of him until his next real "break."  Getting married, having kids, and climbing the corporate ladder will pale in comparison to the riveting time he spent with people he knows tangentially on a gentrified beach in Mexico. He does not remember much from his spring break, but if he did, he's certain that those memories would last a lifetime.