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Senior Blows ‘Signing Bonus’ in Vegas, Has Not Yet Landed Any First Round Interviews

(10/10/18 7:31pm)

Senior Bryn Williamson had the fall break of her life. She’s only had three other fall breaks and they were all going home to the Main Line, but this one was definitely the best. Williamson and 150 of her closest friends in the top 1% followed in the footsteps of their elders and made the pilgrimage to Sin City.

Freshman Clutching Pedialyte Bottle at Hill Brunch Wants YOU To Know He Drank Alcohol Last Night!

(10/13/18 5:11pm)

Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself. One thing led to another, and he had a few too many “handle pull then baby barf a little bit” moments.

OP-ED: Sure, My PNC Bank Online Statement Is Ready for Me, But Am I Ready for It?

(10/04/18 4:48pm)

What a lovely morning I was having. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I only had two stress dreams the night before. I was sitting on my living room couch with a chamomile tea in hand and a rubbery Rx bar that I pretend to enjoy for my health in the other. I was ready to get productive. Maybe Gutmann’s wellness initiatives were working after all.

Shocked Wharton Senior Fulfilling Humanities Requirement Hears First Ever Criticism of Capitalism

(09/30/18 2:54pm)

Josh Greenberg (W ’18) concentrates in Finance and Statistics and has taken a pretty typical course load so far: Advanced Corporate Finance for his major, Intro to Marketing (received a B- despite claiming it was “common sense” the entire semester), and a Gender Studies class just to pick up chicks. 

‘I'm Really Trying to Eat Better This Year,' Says Junior Hours Before His Weekly Drunk McDonald's Visit

(09/28/18 8:56am)

Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins. 

OP-ED: I Went The Whole Fling Weekend Without Hearing 'Body.' Here's My Story.

(04/17/18 1:56pm)

My Fling was just like yours. I pretended to have more fun at parties than I actually did, got the sickest wristband cuff tan, and wouldn’t have been caught dead at the concert. My primary sources of nutrients were Wishbone tenders soaked in Buffalo Bleu sauce with a crisp Green Apple Four Loko to wash it all down, and Magic Gardens running out of liquor was more tragic than the California droughts.

Penn Admissions Distributes 'It’s Been Real' Stickers to Students Also Accepted to Harvard, Princeton, or Yale

(04/18/18 10:28am)

Quaker Days—the grandiose commoditization of the college admissions process by wining and dining high school seniors—allows the University to give prospective students a raw, authentic, no frills look into what their lives as Penn students would look like. We as current students are constantly treated with delicious free meals, decorative cookies and Amy Gutmann appearances, so this makes sense.

‘I Really Want an Apartment in NYC With Exposed Brick and Granite Countertops,' Says Broke Senior Plagued by HGTV

(03/21/18 6:02pm)

Mariana Rodriguez (C ’18) landed her dream job for after graduation. Well, it’s not actually her dream job, because no actually dreams of being a consultant, but congrats anyway, Mari! She’s looking forward to truly live out “Penn, but make it NYC” a la Tyra Banks and Amy Gutmann.

'Refreshed' Senior Didn't Do Shit Before Spring Break, Ready to Continue Doing Nothing

(03/13/18 4:22pm)

Ah, who doesn’t love a nice break to treat yourself from half a semester of late night studying, job hunting anxiety, and actively (or passively?) ghosting boys after sleeping with them? Better yet, who doesn’t love a nice break to treat yourself from spending five nights a week at Smokes, dropping every club on your resume, not doing jack shit for the past two months?