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Senior Bryn Williamson had the fall break of her life. She’s only had three other fall breaks and they were all going home to the Main Line, but this one was definitely the best. Williamson and 150 of her closest friends in the top 1% followed in the footsteps of their elders and made the pilgrimage to Sin City.
Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!
Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself. One thing led to another, and he had a few too many “handle pull then baby barf a little bit” moments.
What a lovely morning I was having. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I only had two stress dreams the night before. I was sitting on my living room couch with a chamomile tea in hand and a rubbery Rx bar that I pretend to enjoy for my health in the other. I was ready to get productive. Maybe Gutmann’s wellness initiatives were working after all.
Josh Greenberg (W ’18) concentrates in Finance and Statistics and has taken a pretty typical course load so far: Advanced Corporate Finance for his major, Intro to Marketing (received a B- despite claiming it was “common sense” the entire semester), and a Gender Studies class just to pick up chicks.
Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins.
I’m Bradley, a sophomore in Wharton from Greenwich, CT studying finance. I joined my Non-Hazing Fraternity last winter, and my buddy Jake is doing a sick job as Vice President of Frocket Tees, Coozies, and Croakies. Actually, check out the shirt I have on right now. It’s like an expensive brand but my frat, haha.
Mid-August
Hey, you sultry Kings Court residents. Have things been getting too steamy in your bedroom? No, literally, have you resorted to sleeping on the filthy couches and floor of your first floor lounge to escape attempting to fall asleep in a puddle of your own sweat? Knew it.
Christie Satterfield (C ’19) doesn’t love her new apartment at The Brian. Sure, it has super cute granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms, the most lovely waterfall shower and multi-jet bathtub, and such a quaint planetarium off the living room. But it just doesn’t feel like home sweet home.
As summer winds down and we get our last minute trips to the Hamptons and Ibiza out of the way, we prepare for the disgusting mess that is NSO. Juul pods? Check. Charged phone to send inevitable “You up?” texts at 6 pm? Check. Douchey outfit? Probably gotta rethink that one!
CJ Hoffman (W ’18) and fourteen of his closest Upsilon Gamma brothers wanted to treat themselves after their recent graduation. You know, since the treat of an Ivy League degree fully paid by their hardworking parents while remaining wholly financially dependent just wasn’t enough.
Michael Coyle (C ’19) is just like any other junior. He spent the fall sweet talking recruiters in Saxbys, the winter feeding his blossoming alcoholism in order to cope with the stress of school, and the spring enjoying the sunshine on College Green.
My Fling was just like yours. I pretended to have more fun at parties than I actually did, got the sickest wristband cuff tan, and wouldn’t have been caught dead at the concert. My primary sources of nutrients were Wishbone tenders soaked in Buffalo Bleu sauce with a crisp Green Apple Four Loko to wash it all down, and Magic Gardens running out of liquor was more tragic than the California droughts.
Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one procrastinating on the piles of work you have by scrolling through social media or pretending not to see me on Locust! Boy, do I have news for you.
Quaker Days—the grandiose commoditization of the college admissions process by wining and dining high school seniors—allows the University to give prospective students a raw, authentic, no frills look into what their lives as Penn students would look like. We as current students are constantly treated with delicious free meals, decorative cookies and Amy Gutmann appearances, so this makes sense.
Claire Johnson (E ’20) seemed to be simply minding her own business on her walk from “Gregory” to the “Engineering Quad” last Tuesday. Wait, does anyone actually know where those two places are? Or that they even definitively exist? Okay, cool, neither do we.
Mariana Rodriguez (C ’18) landed her dream job for after graduation. Well, it’s not actually her dream job, because no actually dreams of being a consultant, but congrats anyway, Mari! She’s looking forward to truly live out “Penn, but make it NYC” a la Tyra Banks and Amy Gutmann.
Ah, who doesn’t love a nice break to treat yourself from half a semester of late night studying, job hunting anxiety, and actively (or passively?) ghosting boys after sleeping with them? Better yet, who doesn’t love a nice break to treat yourself from spending five nights a week at Smokes, dropping every club on your resume, not doing jack shit for the past two months?
When you want something, ask for it. If you don’t get it, demand it angrily. If that still doesn’t work either, form a union! Pledges at Penn have heeded this advice, uniting over obscure forms of hazing in order to get something they desperately need: better health benefits.