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OP-ED: Iron Maiden: America Was Not What I Expected

(09/04/17 3:38pm)

As I lay in my sweaty twin XL bed, staring at the posters on my wall and feeling a slight twinge of nostalgia for the dying art of a good poster, I try to recover from this embarrassing day. Less embarrassing than not losing my virginity during NSO, but probably even more embarrassing than if my roommate were to find my diary tucked into my genius hiding spot under my mattress.

Confused Junior Thought Hey Day Was Hay Day

(04/26/17 5:51pm)

Hey Day: one of the Penn darty days that carries a different meaning based on which class you’re in. For wide-eyed pre-frosh during their admissions tour, it’s a day we worship almost as hard as the toast we regularly throw at football games. For freshmen, it’s when you wake up terrified to the person who regularly had sex in your bed two years ago. And for juniors, you get really drunk to make running into the entirety of your freshman hall just a little less awkward.

Here are the Rules to Spikeball, Because You were Definitely Curious

(04/14/17 4:34pm)

During your college visits in the bright-eyed and bushy tailed days of your youth, you probably imagined some carefree Frisbee throwing in a field with lush grass. You arrived at Penn, and quickly realized people would rather attend food-less brunches on sunny days than throw around a piece of plastic.

I Got an Internship and Immediately Posted It on Facebook

(04/07/17 6:31pm)

Ah, the light at the end of the tunnel. The past few months of answering questions like “When is a time you had to meet a deadline?”, “Would you rather sing a song or tell a joke right now?”, and “Pizza rolls or pizza bagels?” have finally paid off. And, yes, I mean literally paid off. Amy Gutmann’s salary isn’t the only thing increasing by 3.9%.

Wharton Finance Club’s Formal Was Actually Goldman’s First Round Interview

(03/29/17 9:44pm)

It’s always formal szn in Philadelphia. The Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC) tossed their spreadsheets and study drugs aside and rescheduled last minute coffee chats for their formal last weekend. They even hired an avant-garde photographer who must have somehow positioned laser beams throughout the club to add these super cutting edge light streaks to their photos on Facebook. Wild!

Surprise: That Guy You Kissed Last Weekend Isn't Actually Irish

(03/21/17 10:52pm)

With a couple days’ passing after the whirlwind of Guinness and green shot glass necklaces that was this weekend, you’ve had some time to process just exactly what happened. There are a few things you know for sure: your shoes are no longer the white, you have mud in crevices where mud doesn't belong, and you should probably start raising an aggressive eyebrow at your recurring chainsmoking habit.

Sorority Girl Falling Out of Love With Her Lin

(02/15/17 8:07pm)

From the Snapchat stories riddled with posters of Pinterested puns and strip teases given by pale, skinny freshman guys, you’re probably aware that it's been a given sorority's Big-Little week for each of the past four weeks. Sophomores spend hundreds of dollars on balloons, food and other perishable goods to show other sophomores how many hundreds of dollars they have spent on balloons, food and other perishable goods. And what’s it all for? Getting crowned “Best Big Ever” on Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat after five to six days of mayhem on a spreadsheet.

Penn Confirms Its Authoritarianism With Canvas Font Change

(12/12/16 5:56pm)

With formals/finals szn in full swing, you spent the weekend either dressing up for a night you won’t remember, dressing down for an afternoon in VP that you’ve already forgotten, or both if you choose to embrace the social Ivy’s “work hard, play hard” mentality of drinking to relieve Sunday-Wednesday’s academic stress! Yay, parties!