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Tomorrow evening is the Baltimore Avenue Dollar Stroll, or better known as the event you clicked “interested” for on Facebook to show your parents that your spending habits aren’t as frivolous as your multi-Uber weekends may suggest. Vendors of West Philadelphia sell various types of goods for only $1 – that’s cheaper than a lot of things you can buy!
As I lay in my sweaty twin XL bed, staring at the posters on my wall and feeling a slight twinge of nostalgia for the dying art of a good poster, I try to recover from this embarrassing day. Less embarrassing than not losing my virginity during NSO, but probably even more embarrassing than if my roommate were to find my diary tucked into my genius hiding spot under my mattress.
You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. During the school year, you get your daily greens from the guy whose contact in your phone is just a leaf emoji. You think your weekly fitness quota is complete after a night of sweating out your vodka Red Bulls on an elevated surface.
Hey Day: one of the Penn darty days that carries a different meaning based on which class you’re in. For wide-eyed pre-frosh during their admissions tour, it’s a day we worship almost as hard as the toast we regularly throw at football games. For freshmen, it’s when you wake up terrified to the person who regularly had sex in your bed two years ago. And for juniors, you get really drunk to make running into the entirety of your freshman hall just a little less awkward.
If you thought Jesus resurrected for the possibility of eternal life, you’re wrong. He resurrected from his green tea shots-induced hangover on this divine Easter morning, just like you, to carb-load and satisfy his greasy food cravings.
During your college visits in the bright-eyed and bushy tailed days of your youth, you probably imagined some carefree Frisbee throwing in a field with lush grass. You arrived at Penn, and quickly realized people would rather attend food-less brunches on sunny days than throw around a piece of plastic.
Ah, the light at the end of the tunnel. The past few months of answering questions like “When is a time you had to meet a deadline?”, “Would you rather sing a song or tell a joke right now?”, and “Pizza rolls or pizza bagels?” have finally paid off. And, yes, I mean literally paid off. Amy Gutmann’s salary isn’t the only thing increasing by 3.9%.
It’s always formal szn in Philadelphia. The Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC) tossed their spreadsheets and study drugs aside and rescheduled last minute coffee chats for their formal last weekend. They even hired an avant-garde photographer who must have somehow positioned laser beams throughout the club to add these super cutting edge light streaks to their photos on Facebook. Wild!
With a couple days’ passing after the whirlwind of Guinness and green shot glass necklaces that was this weekend, you’ve had some time to process just exactly what happened. There are a few things you know for sure: your shoes are no longer the white, you have mud in crevices where mud doesn't belong, and you should probably start raising an aggressive eyebrow at your recurring chainsmoking habit.
From the Snapchat stories riddled with posters of Pinterested puns and strip teases given by pale, skinny freshman guys, you’re probably aware that it's been a given sorority's Big-Little week for each of the past four weeks. Sophomores spend hundreds of dollars on balloons, food and other perishable goods to show other sophomores how many hundreds of dollars they have spent on balloons, food and other perishable goods. And what’s it all for? Getting crowned “Best Big Ever” on Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat after five to six days of mayhem on a spreadsheet.
Happy Valentine's Day, Penn. Whether you're looking to seal the deal for a V-Day hookup or spice up your long-term relationship, these cards will (maybe) do the job. Enjoy Part I and Part II while you're at it!
UTB’s thoroughly researched, long-awaited Ivy rankings have concluded that Cornell University is the best school in the Ivy League. The scale used to determine the rankings rewarded schools that have the fewest restaurants per square mile, tallest residential buildings (bonus if the elevators are under construction!), and most niche academic programs.
Penn Dining sent a thrilling email to students Friday afternoon revealing their long-awaited “Meatless Monday” lunches at dining halls. The Sweetgreen line, full of Canada Geese and Stan Smiths, instantly vanished as word of Meatless Mondays flooded students’ inboxes.
PennInTouch, famous for being very important to those who want to know when and where they need to be for class, was overloaded and inaccessible on the first day of classes. Who could be so dastardly, so malicious as to throw a wrench in the academic workings of Penn? There is no one to blame for PennInTouch’s ill-timed shutdown than Sarah Palin’s western neighbors.
With formals/finals szn in full swing, you spent the weekend either dressing up for a night you won’t remember, dressing down for an afternoon in VP that you’ve already forgotten, or both if you choose to embrace the social Ivy’s “work hard, play hard” mentality of drinking to relieve Sunday-Wednesday’s academic stress! Yay, parties!
Add American Apparel, along with Cosi, to the list of bankrupt retailers around Penn’s campus. The company’s second bankruptcy this year means winding down operations and now massive sales on their overpriced, unforgiving, solid-colored, all-cotton clothing.
Who needs the Internet, endless deals on products that soften the blow of your emotional instability and another excuse to abuse your parents’ credit card, when you can continue your binge eating/drinking streak from this weekend?
Thanksgiving: the day when unbuttoning your pants at the dinner table is finally sort of socially acceptable, you successfully (or unsuccessfully) avoid these conversations with your aunt twice removed from the depths of Texas, and you overdose on Pedialyte after a night of drowning in alcohol with the few remaining hometown homies.
Whip out your Ouija boards, throw on the nearest piece of khaki-colored clothing and pretend to know what the fuck “crikey” means, because we need Steve Irwin now more than ever. A croc was recently spotted in the Schuylkill River, and we're not talking about the elegant, practical foam shoes.
Ah, the Monday before Halloween/Homecoming. The sun is shining, your Amazon Prime packages are on their way with some last minute accessories, and your “P” sweater is itching to be worn. Here are a few events to add to your already packed social calendar for this week.