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Penn can be a scary and confusing place to navigate. But don’t worry! To help students turn the challenges of Penn into opportunities for growth, we at UTB have discovered the easiest tips and tricks to success!
With the impending opening of New College House West, Penn Residential Services has decided to rename the Quad to “Prehistoric College House South.”
Tragic! An exclusive interview with architect Joseph Redd went horribly awry last Tuesday after he came to the realization that his buildings were, indeed, still standing.
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Under the Button (talking to ourselves), to reflect on the error of our ways.
It must be said. People on the second floor of Panera Bread on 40th and Walnut, please stop staring at me.
Fiona Qu (E '23) is the total package! She’s hot, witty, nice, and she consistently produces top-notch stories and essays to submit to the creative writing workshop that you’re in together. Last week she turned in a gut-wrenching personal essay about the semantics of pears and separation. The week before last week she did a scintillating retelling of Grimm’s fairytale set in modern-day Israel. Just last night, she emailed the class with a capitalist diaspora semi-autobiographical second-person manifesto disguised in an ostensibly mundane story regarding intimacy and premature ejaculation. Not to mention that she always beat the deadline by at least 24 hours.
With Penn’s fraternities and sororities continuing on as normal, members of the West Philadelphia community are outraged by their apparent disregard for the community at large, and rightfully so.
Zoom has finally released the one feature we have all been dying for, “Anti-Pin.” For some reason, it always seems like the one stuck up bitch you hate is the only person in your class with their camera on. You get to watch them basically the whole class with no way to hide them from your screen. Some have gotten so desperate they have to use a post it note to cover the ugliness up. Does the bitch keep their camera on just to ruin your day?
Jacob promises he has not had anything to eat or drink in the 30 minutes before his COVID-19 spit test. Nope, not even one thing. Anyone who would say otherwise is a lying little weasel and is falsely accusing him of an offense he did not commit. Jacob would never do something that could dilute the test and make it faulty. How his spit test came back the exact same shade as a blue raspberry Jolly Rancher is beyond him. Perhaps someone put dye in it when he wasn’t looking? He promises he was framed! Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers.
First you stay here for spring break and labor tirelessly studying for your fifty-four midterms next week. Then you stay here for the summer, slaving away in some obscure lab researching things you don’t understand. And then after that, you think you are free as you walk across the stage and they hand you a shiny piece of paper.
Under the Button has been around for a while now, and with it, a legacy of chaos, disruption, and overall buffoonery. But not for long. Today, I am excited to introduce Over the Button, a humor publication for high-minded elites.
Today Penn announced that they would be holding an in-person graduation ceremony this spring. The administration needs to ensure that graduation will not become a super spreader event, however, so attendance will only be available for certain groups of individuals.
Twenty-first century society is characterized by plentiful consumer choice for tech-enabled conveniences. UberEats, Co-Star, Amazon and many other apps have become fixtures in our daily routines. Their ubiquity has inspired global entrepreneurial endeavor as investors race to identify the next dominant platform. Martin Tiwari (SEAS’ 22) and Sarah Gomez (W’ 23) have taken notice.
The brothers of Delta Upsilon Mu (DUM) have issued an apology over their massive house party last weekend which involved over 400 Penn students.
One institution at Penn is taking credit for Penn’s COVID-19 test positivity rate plummeting from “holy crap” levels to “we good” levels: the Penn Positive Psychology Center.
Oops! Upon sitting down to write one of her four papers due this week English major Sarah Goldman C' 22 discovered some alarming medical news. "I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.
The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.
With mental health concerns becoming just slightly more worrisome throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, one Penn professor is taking an innovative approach to student wellness. Dr. Bud, a well-known and highly respected professor in the Religious Studies department, began hosting virtual smoke sessions during his weekly office hours this past January. The new initiative, Herbal Hours, has been extremely successful so far, consistently gathering more students than Bud’s weekly lectures.