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Caroline Curran


Articles

Please Do Not Contact Me. I Am Taking a Long, Sensual Bath in the Kelly Writers House Bathroom.

I won’t be checking my texts — I’ve gone off the grid.


Fro Gro Bag Lives Thrilling Second Life as Bathroom Trash Can Liner

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Well, it might be time to rethink the premise of that philosophical inquiry.


Guest Column From the Random Adult in Your Class: Do You Even Remember 9/11?

I mean, do you even remember 9/11? Do you even know what that is?


Jazz&Grooves Scrambling for New Act After 7 Gecs Escape

Jazz&Grooves noted that the search has been challenging due to a lack of clarity on what a gec looks like or even is.


Girl Who Bullet Journals Daily Actually a Freak in Bed

When pressed, Moffit admitted that she can only achieve orgasm if there is a Leuchtturm1917 college-ruled notebook in her immediate vicinity.


How to Descend the Huntsman Staircase Like a Goddamn Debutante

As your hand glides ever so sensually along the Huntsman staircase railing, you can practically hear your name being announced, the applause, the oohs and ahs.


OP-ED: We Need to Talk About the Chandelier in Allegro’s

Frank discussion is the first step toward genuine understanding, and I know that we are collectively baffled by the choice of light fixture in the glass-enclosed lobby of the local pizza joint.


‘Rush is Just About Personality Fit!’ Says Rich Hot Friend

Aimee Brooks (W ’23), a freshman who hails from Chelsea, Manhattan and identifies as “old money,” is under the impression that this system is ultimately fair and unbiased.


Oh No: Grandma Wants to Know Why Your Phone Alarm Goes Off at 9 P.M. Every Night

There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 PM while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off.


Meet the Under the Button Writer Born in Late 2013

Sydney Gelman sits on a mint green loveseat in her above-ground bunker apartment. Sipping on a Diet Coke, she looks around the apartment with disdain and calls it a “windowless asylum.” Gelman, a writer for Under the Button dot com, has the dubious distinction of being the youngest on staff. 


'I’ve Always Wanted to Try Shrooms,' Says Friend Who Literally Never Will

“Did you see the way the trees were, like, breathing? I really want that to happen to me, too. The scenery was just so pretty.”


BREAKING: Freshman at Dream School Wildly Depressed

She wondered if she had been misled when she visited Penn during spring break in her junior year of high school. “There were people playing frisbee on College Green,” she said. “Their serotonin levels seemed perfectly balanced.”


Quiz: Pothole on Spruce or Meteor Crater?

Is this just a classic case of the freeze-and-thaw cycle on our paved streets or is it Korolev, the famous ice-filled impact crater that's located within the Mare Boreum section of Mars and is a whopping 81.4 kilometers in diameter?


Ditch the Scale This Thanksgiving by Letting Grandma Tell You That You Look like You've Gained Weight

The winter season can be especially tough for dealing with body image — there’s the constant influx of holiday foods, an overload of social obligations, and the stress of family gatherings, just to name a few. But this year, take one thing off your (metaphorical) plate by ditching the scale.


OP-ED: If Student-Athletes Are in Such Good Shape, Why Do They Need to Ride Scooters?

I don’t know much about Penn’s athletics, but I do know that student-athletes are not only students but also they’re athletes. This duality means that they do physical exercise on a regular basis in addition to studying. Logically, then, one might assume that student-athletes are in good shape.


OP-ED: I Don’t Use Handshake Because It Spreads Germs

Handshake calls itself “the largest career community for students and recent grads.” Well, do you know where diseases spread? That’s right — communities. And do you know how they spread? Physical touch.


How to Find the Right Penn Face for Your Face Shape

Depending on your natural features, some Penn Faces will be more flattering on you, and it’s critical that you choose the right one.  Do you see how good everyone else looks? That’s because they’re matching their Penn Face to their face shape, and you’re not. And that’s because they have more friends than you and are more accomplished than you are.


Feminist Hero? This Man Just Said his Female Classmate had 'A Good Point'

“I just wanted her to know I heard what she said, and I was impressed,” Mora said.


How to Adapt Your Five-Year Plan for the Imminent Climate Crisis

This might sound difficult, but don’t fret.


Intense Love Affair Blossoming Between Anonymous Ferret and Anonymous Manatee in Shared Google Doc

When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."


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