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OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.


Admissions Committee Announces That 70% Of Senior Class Would Not Be Admitted and Does Not Deserve to be Here

The statement went on to detail that upwards of 70% of the senior class would not be admitted if they applied to Penn again and fundamentally do not deserve to be here. 


30x30: 30 Hits for 30 Days

Go outdoors, get high, and take a mindful minute. 


How to Avoid Getting Covid

I found this website called Corona Cures XXX that gave a lot of cures that haven’t been circulated by mainstream medicine, among other things. 


Save Time With Internship Applications By Sending Your Resume Straight to the Trash

Companies will appreciate your forward-thinking and might even take your initiative into account when they consider your application.  


Advanced Registration, Finding a Subletter, and 4 Other Activities Guaranteed to Give You a Blood Clot

For all the anti-vaxxers, anti-waxxers, anti-inheritance-taxxers, and anti-sexual-climaxxers out there - do you commonly find yourself wishing that you too had equal access to life-threatening blood clots?


Amy Gutmann Wins Every Single Event in The Penn Relays For Second Year In Row

Through urine testing and vehement denial, Gutmann seems to have successfully distanced herself from the allegations of doping that were raised last year. 


Dinner Once Again Hinges on 5 Oz. Bottle of Tabasco

Thanks to the McIlhenny Company, Fortson’s cooking has been made tolerable for the past couple of weeks.


OP-ED: Wanna See a Card Trick?

Sure you do.


Johnson and Johnson Relieved They Took This Class Pass/Fail

 Star students Pfizer and Moderna scored 95 on the first midterm while JnJ bombed to a 70. Forced to swallow their pride, JnJ panic-switched to pass/fail the night of the deadline.  


Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025

This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. 


College Admissions Offices Promise to Preserve Legacy of Cultural Bias Even Without SAT Scores

They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students. 


If Nothing Matters, Then Why Am I So Important?

Even the Halal guy tells me that I am important. 


Don't Have Time to Walk-in for Vaccination? Try Running In

 I sprinted into the convention center and plowed through the military guy that was managing the line. I sprinted down the hallway with no regard for any of the other patients. I hurdled the fences like I was a fucking Olympic athlete.  


Introducing EAST & UP: My Flight Back to China This Summer

Even after the 13–hour is up, the jouissance of EAST & UP is far from over.


Gay Son or HSOC Daughter? Penn Students Answer.

Mike Pelanti, a senior studying sociology and concentrating in LGBTQ Studies, recently conducted a survey where he asked Penn undergraduates across all four schools one simple question: would you rather have a gay son, or daughter studying History and Sociology of Science?


Amy Gutmann Vows to Achieve Net-Zero Salary Increase by 2050

In a brilliant display of leadership and selflessness, Amy Gutmann has announced a net-zero salary increase goal for herself by the end of 2050. After years of taking on larger and larger paychecks, Gutmann has decided that she is ready to begin the process stepping back from her role as top breadwinner on campus. 


UPennAlert: I’m Upset at 39th and Locust

See www.publicsafety.upenn.edu for details.


Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition Unless They Are the Same Race As Me

I’m all against competitions unless it’s coming down between me and another Chinese skank. In that case, there is absolutely a competition and I’m winning.


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