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Breaking: The Weather is Beautiful and Nothing Could Go Wrong This Week

Cheery “hellos!” and “good mornings!” were present throughout campus as students settled into their 8:30 AM lectures, with all present reflecting upon the fact that out of all possible worlds, the one we currently inhabit is the most promising one there could ever be.

Passover Gone Wrong: These JVP Members Are Being “Passed Over” in Their Grandparents’ Wills

“I’m divesting you from the lake house, Rachel” said one Bubbe.

Stop Asking Me About Voting It’s Been 3 Years How Do You Not Know I’m Not American Please Stop

Say it to me now: Faresi is not American, he can't vote, let's not harass him about voting

Critical and Important: Defining 'Penn Sober'

Proud of you, girlie.

TV Show Celebrity Decides One Year On Campus Pretty Much Enough For Him

“He was very accustomed to craft services,” says one source, “He really was disappointed at the lack of craft services. You’d think for an Ivy League school we’d have craft services – at least for the students who really matter.”

Happy Earth Day! Penn Announces Plans to Cement Over Biopond for the Construction of a New Wawa

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot. That is, a parking lot to a Wawa. Which in some cases could be considered an even better paradise. 

Faking Interest

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.

I Interviewed The Drag Queen Who Planned Tel Aviv Night at Smokes

“I’m really here to bring the Penn community together over something that you all agree on,” O’side says as she spills some of her $5 vodka cran on her blue and white dress. “It’s pretty simple. First there will be a Jewish comedy night, and then there will be a Tel Aviv Night.” 

New Quaker Day Activity Showed Parents Where Their Children Will Later be MERTed

By seeing Biopond now, students can at least pretend to remember what it looks like when they get MERTed there later.

"I Saw the Solar Eclipse With My Naked Eye": UTB’s Experience With the Total Solar Eclipse

Was it cool, sure? Was it worth feeling like I was living in Netflix’s Don’t Look Up, not really?

I Feel The Rush: Penn Barbell Club Replaces Ammonia Sniffing Salts with Poppers

A twist, a sniff, and a flush of red.

Amid Campus Unity on Sidechat, Students Wonder When They Can Bully Each Other Again

“I haven’t called someone out by their initials on Sidechat in almost three days! I think I’m going through withdrawal.”

Life Hack: I Got 4,000 Karma by Posting “Love eachother” on Sidechat.

In a time of growing campus unity, someone needed to remind the student body that love is the only answer. Obviously, that someone was me. 

Insider Scoop: Amy Wax Called Me a Filthy Arab Immigrant & Put Me in a Chokehold

Tears ran down my cheeks, yet my mind mustered no thought other than the fact that her breath smelled distinctly of freshly consumed Law-School-provided white claws.

Wharton Undergraduate Consulting Club Now Open to Cases Dedicated to Getting You Bitches

WUCC announces "the next step in streamlining open communication between stakeholders and creating an optimal environment for connection in the romantic stratosphere."

Forbidden Love? This Senior in a Top Frat is Emotionally Manipulating a Freshman

She’s totally in love. He briefly stopped snapping other girls out of respect. Who said true love can’t thrive at Penn?!?

"I Took a Gap Year" and Other Sayings To Help You Get With Upperclassmen on Tinder

You’re an older freshman and everything seems perfect: you just matched with a girl on Tinder, you both have your ages listed at 19 or 20, everything is in order. Then she hits you with a dreaded question: “What year are you?”