Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.

I entered 1920 Commons quite an everyday fellow: okay character, good head of hair,  a personality both robust and mellow.

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”

The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom.

In this offbeat game show, players entering the Cash Elevator have to answer trivia questions before they reach their destination in order to win. If they answer wrong, they better start climbing the stairs. 

The old West and Down felt like a club run by a disorganized frat. The new West and Down feels like a club run by a disorganized branch of Triads.

According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."

The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness. 

In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.

Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.

The entire student and faculty body is required to attend this historic event. This will be Camila’s fiftieth concert of the year. It will not be recorded because nobody would watch it, so make sure to bring your A-game, Penn!

Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies.”

Compromising my integrity just to get a thrill is deadening, and I refuse to partake any longer. I’m saving divorce until marriage. Deal with it. 

Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.

Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid. 

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 

A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.

(Given): But 5 AP Literature and Lang bad. No count. Also newspaper bad. They no real writing. Grate Gatsby and Belovd not real english. They no have see true writes before. How Dog Thonks real literacher.