“I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shauvin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my balls and it hurt a lot.” 

Elon launched the biggest social distancing gesture in history this week: he yeeted some guys into space. My question for Elon is, whose side are you on? 

 “I’ve just been too busy with everything,” said Rosewater. “The other day, I had to finish a Netflix series, another day I had to play 40 games of League of Legends, and just yesterday I had to take a 5 hour nap in the middle of the day.” 

While at first I was pretty bummed that my semester was cut short, I now realize that study abroad wasn't going to give me anything I couldn't get from the comfort of my own home.

Sophomore Sophie Pearson would usually be hitting the beach to work on her tan, enabling her to flex on her friends come fall, but this summer she's got a small modification to her usual plan in mind.

With his usual summer activities on hold, Josh continues to spend much of his time sitting on the floor of his childhood bedroom with his laptop in his lap and a slight sadness on his face. 

 Kayla has recently decided to take on the difficult task of watching the entire Avatar: The Last Airbender series on Netflix. While it is certainly no easy feat, she has confidence that it can be done in a matter of two days. 

“Prospective students will still get to hear about important traditions like toast throwing and how Greek life isn’t that important to the social scene, but now, it’ll be with puns!”

It's black and has my high school (Oakcrest) on it. There are some stains on the right sleeve, I promise it's just ketchup, not blood or anything. Heh. Anyway, if you could go to DRL and get it, it would really mean a lot to me.

 “The class will also give me a sense of purpose with something to do, so it definitely won’t fuel my depression and self-doubt.” 

Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"  

“Our concerns about COVID-19 are real, we are taking this very seriously, but we also really want to open because we are committed to quality education. For that reason, the tall, handsome, Mr. Clean will be helping us out this fall.”

 “By going to bed later and later, I was pretty much just continuously travelling around the world in terms of time zones,” said Park. “Lately, I have been spending a lot of time in Fiji by going to bed at 6am.” 

So, we got bored and threw away every single possession left in a dorm. What are you gonna do about it? It's not like we were gonna actually make a plan to get it back to you. Idiot. 

“Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” 

"I have already calculated it, and I do not have to grade all of your exams in order to retain my job as a professor at Penn for the next semester. Actually, I only need to submit precisely 60% of your grades on PenninTouch."

Why write down real, accurate, historical things that have actually happened when you can record the funny things your brain makes up at night?

A pop-up message complete with virtual confetti appeared saying, “Congratulations, class of 2020! What better way to celebrate your graduation than to make a gift to The Penn Fund?”

"The whole world is suffering from this here coronavirus and it’s all China’s fault! It’s only right that they should pay. Ain’t no nobody, state, or country gonna take away my freedom. This is America, damn it! I say sue ‘em!"

In an official statement, Student Health Services reported that all Penn students have become near-sighted, allergic to brightness, and at least slightly obese after half a year of quarantine.