It started out just like how every group photo does: two ladies taking a photo. Then a third woman inserts herself into the shot. A few more weasel themselves into the growing crowd. Then naturally Brooke thinks to herself, “hey, if Melissa’s in this picture, then why the hell am I standing on the sideline?”

Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.

So you moved in about three weeks ago, and it has been a whirlwind. After meeting your roommate, hanging out a ton with them during NSO, and then completely ditching them when you made your real friends, you’re beginning to notice some weird things they do. After speaking with several Penn scientists and psychopaths we know personally, we’ve compiled a list of five foolproof ways to tell if your roommate is a psychopath.

My roommate frequently misses her 8 a.m. recitation. Still, she makes an effort to attend her afternoon classes, saying she wants to "make the most of her tuition money." In fact, most of my friends, even if they skip one of their classes regularly, usually go to the others in order to stay on top of the course material.

In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.

When Jamie Chen’s (C ‘22) high school friends told her that grades weren’t a substitute for a personality, she took it as a challenge. Set to enter Penn with a perfect transcript, Chen noticed something horrifically disturbing about the University’s grading policy.

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

Hey pals, what’s the haps? I know we’re still rotting away in the offices at the jobs our parents so graciously awarded us, but we NEED to do something fun for fall break this year. I was thinking Amalfi Coast? Maybe Dubai? I’d also be down for Sydney! It’ll be so simple to arrange a quick little weekend trip with my best friends.

The days of partially-nude headshots are over. Thanks to a recent LinkedIn update, you can no longer annoy that one friend with a fancy camera to snap 60 identical photos of you outside Huntsman in your best blazer while completely naked from the waist down.

Missing our OG Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor? Desperately need to check out another downtown on a Tuesday night? Well, you're in luck. Details below:

Last week College junior Emma Bentley received news that she would not be invited to join the Penn Ikea Furniture Building Club. “I’ve always been a passionate builder—no—assembler. It was time to take the next step and move beyond my solo work,” said Bentley.

Midterm season is upon us, but there’s a way out—take a close look at that syllabus. “Students may schedule a makeup midterm if they are sick on exam day.” But how are you going to get sick by Monday? With that, here are Under the Button’s top five tastiest doorknobs for the 2018-19 academic year.

Did Vineyard Vines run out of salmon colored shorts? No! This libertarian just wanted to swim against the current for a change. Michael Hansel (C ‘22) was a trout in a sea of salmon last Tuesday, a bold choice at such a critical time of year.

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

When Brian Dunham (C ’20) wore a suit for an info session on Monday, he was expecting everyone to compliment him for dressing up. Instead, he was asked 60 dozen times why he was wearing a suit.

It was Thursday night and Lisa (C '21) and her friends were standing in line outside Smokey Joe’s, memorizing the addresses on their ID’s. “This better work,” she said, knowing full well that it probably would not work. “We don’t have any other moves tonight.”

Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).