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UTBiden: The Video Game

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be the 47th Vice President of the United States and Presidential Professor of Practice, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr? Now's your chance! Hop on your scooter and navigate Locust as you travel from Perry World House to your meeting with Amy Gutmann.


Huntsman Hall’s Chode-Like Appearance ‘Not Entirely Incidental,’ Admits Architect

It is a shape that inspires confidence, strength, and power. I am certain that the external design of the building reflects accurately the people within.


BREAKING: Flu Epidemic On The Rise As Freshmen Rushes Can't Stop Kissing Ass

The Office of Student Health Services has announced a flu outbreak on campus, warranting heightened health and wellness precautions by all students.


Wildly Creative Student to Caption New Year’s Insta With '2018: thank u, next'

College senior Andrew Caplan is ready to say hello to 2019 and never look back.


You're a Mean One, Mr. CITsender

You're as slimy as snake, I see your name and shriek, Mr. CITsender


It's Cute That Your Hookup Acts like His Name Is on the Lease, but God Help Him if He Eats My Wheat Thins Again

Aw, it's adorable that we have a third person sharing our living space. I love waking up and not being able to use the bathroom because you guys are having shower sex.


Holiday Advice: Bring up Politics to Avoid Talking about Your Grades

For both, no one knows how it got this bad and there isn’t really much that can be done to fix it now.


Freshman Looking for the Perelman Quadrangle Ends Up in Princeton, New Jersey

Although the donation was well-intentioned, a great number of Penn students feel cheated by the once loyal graduate. Chief among these students are freshman who “just wanted Insomnia.”


Course Evaluations from 2005 Almost Fully Reviewed, Changes Incoming

According to this statement, the roughly 40,000 evaluations were assigned to Steven Fitzgerald, a former student intern at Penn’s Center for Teaching and Learning. 


Breaking: Sarah Doesn't Know Anyone At This Formal Except For Her Date (But Just Barely)

The two had never met, but one of Bergen’s friends insisted that Brenner was a “pretty ok guy.” Feeling up for an adventure, Bergen accepted the invitation, despite not knowing Brenner and having three finals in the coming two days. 


OP-ED: I Don’t Care That I Just Failed My Econ Final — My Husband Will Be Richer Than All Of You

“It’s okay, though, don’t worry about me,” I said to address their grimaces. “My husband is going to be rich. Like really rich. Probably richer than everyone in that lecture hall, actually.” 


Look at Her Go! This Wharton Freshman Is Taking Five Credits Next Semester

Wintman feels that people tend to put her in a box: they assume she will not take an intense workload due to her calm personality. However, when she was registering for classes this semester, she decided to break that mold.


Student in 12 Performance Groups Confused About Where All Her Time Went

According to her fellow classmates, Walkerton counts down to the end of each rehearsal, leaving at that exact time in order to make the different, and often overlapping, time requirements of her different arts groups.


E.D. Admitted Students Excited to Share That 'Yes, Penn Was my First Choice, and Not Because my College Counselor Said I Wouldn't Get into Princeton’

Sarah Rosen, a student admitted from Farmingdale High School, shared with UTB: “Yes, I’m incredibly excited to join the Quaker family! There’s not one other community I’d rather be a part of!


I Love It by Kanye West Ranked #1 Song at This Party We Should All Discuss the Gendered Implications of Right Now on This Dance Floor

“I just want to pause the music for just like two seconds and break it all down. Like, ‘hey friends, what’s happening here.’”


OP-ED: I Support Your Right to Have a Mental Breakdown in This Library, but Can You Do It a Little Quieter?

If you're going to violently curse your professor's dead relatives and weep into your hands, you're gonna have to take it down juuuuust a few decibels.


Fossil Free Penn Demands Santa Divest from Coal

“For too long we've allowed Santa to be the most vocal spokesperson for fossil fuels,” yelled College junior Caroline Erickson at a sit-in protest.


Wow! This Formal DJ Used Transitions Between Songs

Somehow, it was almost like two songs were being played at once. And granted, it didn’t sound great. The keys of the two songs didn’t quite mesh well, but goddamnit Liza was just so darned amazed that there were two songs mixed together that she couldn’t care less.


OP-ED: I Didn’t Get a Flu Shot, but It’s Okay Cause I Have a Cup of Green Tea Everyday

I consider myself an herbalist. No, not in the I-smoke-pot-everyday way, but more in my tendency to consume a small cup of single-origin green tea every day.  


Touching! Cryptic, Oddly Threatening Flyer Posted on Locust Brightens Freshman's Day

New posters have cropped up since the initial one, but lately the messages have switched from being oddly threatening to just flat out aggressive.


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