Many schools have already announced that they will be going Wordle-optional for the foreseeable future, including Ivy League schools, Brown and Cornell.

Do you prefer I move my camera onto my poster of Gandhi snorting coke off of a hooker's ass? Or a make-a-wish kid on a private jet to Epstein’s Island? 

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 

You were able to produce spit into a tube within an allotted two-week period? Gold star.

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.

Athletes don't get enough thanks. Let's change that. It's time to listen to minority voices and uplift our stoic heroes. 

Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 

"3. I've just posted a story on Instagram that says "repost if you're against aggravated assault—I see who views this btw." What do you do?"

Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks. 

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 

“It’s like, that’s for you to decide. We’re not gonna sit here and say ‘binge drinking unequivocally has a negative impact on your health.’ Nope, that’s just not our style. We’ll show you the scans of the liver, and then it's up to you, the reader, to find meaning."

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.

“This makes things so much easier! My family is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the LAX P.F. Chang’s with me, then I’ll get right back on the plane and head back to Philly that night. Convenient!”