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Most Recent


Eavesdropping on Writing Sem Brings Sophomore Tears of Nostalgia

It was a simpler time; I still considered myself pre-med, ate McClelland eight times a week, and protested Castle.


Fun Party Game: Guess Where I’m From but Every Time I Make Up a Fictional South Asian Country

You begin to feel how one usually feels after a few drinks: socially and morally conscious about your racial identity. 


Didn’t Get a Bid? Here’s How to Make Them Pay.

They didn’t like you! None of them liked you!



OP-ED: I’d Like to Pay More for My On-Campus Housing, and Here’s Why

Remember… you have to spend money to make money. 


It's About the Journey, Not the Destination: The Construction Outside College Hall is a Blessing in Disguise

Honestly, I'm feeling really optimistic about all this.



Ice Spice to Receive Honorary Doctorate From Wharton Marketing Department

"[She] blazed the trail for several thousand grants, fellowships, and exalted spiritual epiphanies."


op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok


Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time

It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.


OMG They’re Gonna Love It: College Green Fence Masks Surprise Low-Income Housing Project

After we literally had sex with each other, Liz excitedly told me about the board’s plans for College Green. 


"Join UTB!" Begs Shell of Man Who Made Few Good Jokes One Time

We are once again asking for your sometimes hilarious applications


SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages

It’s time to face the truth. There’s simply nothing as blissful as a Swedish woman dislocating your spine and rearranging your organs.


OP-ED: I've Been Thinking Recently

Thinking. Pondering. Wondering.


Going Green! Penn To Replace Liquid Dispensers in Every Campus Bathroom with La Plancha’s Soapy Ass Guac

Ooh… egad… It smells a little un poco podrigo in Huntsman Hall now…


Transition of Power! UTB Appoints Chinese Authority

With this comes the death of media bias, we shall all revel in the age of true reporting and inclusion.


OK Boomer! You Remember When Halal Was $5

 I miss the days when I could get a $5 halal before going to class and licking all the tables, chairs, doorknobs, and power outlets.


Amid Penn Biden Center Controversy, University Denies It is Housing Chinese Students

The renewed controversy comes just days after Congressional Republicans accused Penn of offering Chinese language classes.


BREAKING: Penn Museum to Castrate All New Students and Use Their Remains in ANTH 0001 Lectures

First hand, you and your classmates can examine each other’s… members!


Upgrade: Sophomore Moves From Harrison Double to Van Down By River

His landlord gutted the thing and stapled bed sheets to the interior to give it a nice homey vibe.


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