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Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.


Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.


OP-ED: I'm Hungies

YES! Let’s just smoke a cigarette. Delish! Nothing tastes better than that.


PSA: You Should Probably Wash Your Towel Now

I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it. 


OFFICIAL SPRING 2020 GREEKRANK RANKINGS FLOORS OF VAN PELT (OFFICIAL)

Let’s be honest, this is how it is. This is probably going to be downvoted by the 4th floor but everyone knows they’re social climbers.


Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party

By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.


OP-ED: The Airpods Stay In During Sex

These are AirPods pro. They have noise-canceling capabilities, so I can pleasure you without distraction and listen to my Gary V. podcast at the same time. 


Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer

Students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” 


Anyone Feel Like Sexting?

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?


A Message From the Provost: You Don’t Have to Go Home, but You Can’t Stay Here

It’s closing time. Like Fresh Grocer or Bobby’s Burgers, time to get gone people.


TA's Scholarly Work in Urban Housing Serving Her Well as Glorified 'Apple Genius' For Elderly Professor

Fernandez has been able to apply her 280-page dissertation by turning on the projector, connecting laptops to the projector, and explaining other details of the projector to Professor Thompson.


Amy Gutmann Diagnosed With Rare Medical Condition: Can Only Read Change.org Petitions

Gutmann has been diagnosed with a rare neurological condition: she cannot read or comprehend text that is not in the form of a Change.org petition.


Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”


QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!


Oops! Professor’s Freudian “Example” a Little Too Specific to Be “On the Spot”

What started as an innocent example quickly escalated to a deeply personal tangent about his not-so-platonic love for both Chris Evans and his father.


Penn Early Decision Interview to Be Conducted Over Snapchat Video

"I don’t even need to put on pants!"


OP-ED: Just Because You Have a Laser Pointer Doesn’t Mean You Are a Good Teacher

“Who does he think we are? Cats?” said Engineering freshman Holden Trout. “All he does is point at his wall of text, and read it off to us, while pointing at it with his laser pointer.”


OP-ED: Instead of Helping FGLI Kids, Penn Should Support MGHI (Many Generations, High Income) Students

MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked. 


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