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Freshman Purposely Avoids Washing Hand with 'X' Drawn on It

Mendez proceeded to spend the rest of the recitation lightly resting his chin on the hand, leaving the X in view of quite literally everyone in the class. 


BREAKING: Freshman at Dream School Wildly Depressed

She wondered if she had been misled when she visited Penn during spring break in her junior year of high school. “There were people playing frisbee on College Green,” she said. “Their serotonin levels seemed perfectly balanced.”


Here's How Joe Biden Can Still Win

Certain Alabama senators have already taken the lead, and a ban of anyone under 65 voting may be underway. Some other architects of society have proposed legislation for banning the existence of non-boomers.


Report: Jenny Is Really About to Try and Jump over That Wall

Jenny Buchmann is just trying to “fuck shit up” with her “girl gang." 


BREAKING: Law Students More Persuasive Than Design Students

“We were completely blindsided… that the law students actually made something happen,” said one design student who asked to remain anonymous. “We figured the administration would never listen to any backlash, but I guess all those yet to be lawyers did their yet to be lawyer thing.”


Stop Asking for My Opinions You Will Not like Them

I speak over my Engineering friends and tell them I should have gone to MIT even though I can’t count. I walk up to nurses and explain how cancer in the prostate works. 


OP-ED: Welcome to Pret Where We Have 43.6 Lines

We do reserve the right to refuse you service if you form a single line.


Review: SHS Appointment Just a Series of Chairs You Move to For No Apparent Reason

After a 45 minute wait, I was called back into a care room. I was told to take a seat. Trying to jump the gun, I sat on the operating table. I like how the slight elevation makes my legs fall asleep as they dangle.


An Open Letter to Penn Students: Consider Moving to New York

I know that many of you will graduate from Penn and pursue career opportunities in the great metropolitan centers: your Toledos, your Fort Waynes, your Wichitas. But I implore you, my fellow Quakers- consider moving to humble New York City.


Look Out! Lanky Guy Desperate to Sit Next to Friend in Lecture

“Oops, sorry about that,” Lowell said as his gangly, spider-like appendages knocked yet another MacBook onto the dusty auditorium carpet. Unfortunately, no amount of wincing or uncomfortable squeezing could halt Lowell’s pursuit of his classroom confidante. 


Oil Deposit Discovered Under Hill, Freshman Housing to Move to DRL

“We have set up curtains and cardboard mattresses in the lecture halls and classrooms in DRL,” said Penn Facilities in a statement released to the student body, “Classes will continue to be held in DRL. Just step over the sleeping students.”


Exam Fail! This Student Accidentally Wrote 'Michael Fassbender' Instead of His Own Name

Your name’s not Michael Fassbender, dummy! Your name’s Eric!


God Does Exist, And He’s Watching Us From Last Word Bookshop

God exists. I’ve seen him. He’s always there, in the bookshop, tip-tapping away at his little computer. The image of sage wisdom and omniscient knowledge. Peering over his glasses, looking down at his desk just as he peers down at the rest of us. What’s he doing in there, at all hours of the night? What a vigilant soldier he is, guarding his little bookstore. 


Group Meeting in Shambles After David Leaves for the Weekend

Attempts to reschedule the meeting have not proceeded smoothly. Lin has an exam on Wednesday, so she can’t spare any time before then for some reason, and reports that the other group member can’t meet anytime other than 1:30-2:00 A.M. on February 3rd, 2020.


Student Introduces New Apex Predator to Beat Roach Infestation, Now Plagued by Hyena Infestation

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.


OP-ED: The Adults in this Class Should Have to Take the Midterm too

Why should Harold, who yes may have retired from a full-time job and just wants to learn art history for fun, be deprived of that stress formed community as well?


A Penn Freshman's Guide to Using LinkedIn

Recent studies have shown that you should not use LinkedIn. Other studies have shown that LinkedIn is good to use; this, however, is not the case.


OP-ED: At This Point I Would Change My Name to Carey Law School For, Like, $5

If I was in Penn Law's shoes, I totally would have changed my name for that much money. You kidding? Jesus Christ, dude. You know how many fucking textbooks I could buy with that money?


'My Time at Penn Was Transformative,' Says Alumnus Who Acquired a Cocaine Problem While Here

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.


UPenn Mad Libs

Take a stab at this Penn-themed fill-in-the-blank activity!


PennConnects