LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests

Allow me to paint you a picture. How would you feel if the entire world was repulsed by your existence? What would you do if your enemies – who in number are too great to count – opposed not your actions and not your beliefs, but the very fact that you are? How could you continue on, knowing that your penultimate sin is neither pride nor envy, neither sloth nor lust; your sin is the simple act of breathing. Your sin is that you were once born and still have yet to die.

Well, welcome to a day in the life of LeBron “King” James, who since last Saturday’s No Kings Protests has been forced to confront these questions every morning when he looks in the mirror. Instead of focusing on how to best prepare the Los Angeles Lakers for the upcoming NBA season, King James is focused on whether or not his very being is an abomination in the eyes of God. What’s sad is that LeBron didn’t choose to be king. He’s just really really good at basketball. And because of that, people like Joe Biden and Kamala Harris want him to burn in the depths of Hell. 

LeBron has not been handling the backlash well. As quoted in a recent interview: “Lately it feels like everything in my life has been going wrong. The entire Democratic Party hates me because I’m a king. The entire Republican Party hates me because I’m Black. The Lakers drafted my son Bronny so now we have to shower naked together after every game. And worst of all, people keep using AI software to create audio on Instagram reels where it sounds like I’m giving violent backshots to Anthony Davis and Austin Reeves.” Davis and Reeves could not be reached for comment.

When asked to issue an apology for the negative impact that the protests have had on LeBron, an anonymous No Kings organizer had this to say: “I really couldn’t give two fucks if LeBron got clipped by a tractor trailer on the side of a highway. Honestly, I would celebrate. I hate him. People think that these protests are about President Trump. They’re not. They’re about LeBron fucking James. The world would be a much better place if he were six feet under ground. Skip Bayless signing off.”